One last time

Holding my child for the last time
Shallow slow breaths with eyes without pain
For once my baby isn't hurting
With death reaching out to take him from my arms
I wasn't ready to let go
His little hand clenched my finger
Squeezing with the strength he had left
With a smile like he's reassuring me
I kissed his forehead with tears falling
Trying my best to stay strong
I held him so tight
Pressing his tiny head into my cheek
Whispering I'll always love you
I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance of life
If I could I'd trade you mine for yours
My hand rubbing his belly and chest
As he took his final breath as his chest fell
And his eyes fell sleepy to the side
Falling to my knees crying and holding my baby
I couldn't scream, I couldn't speak
I don't know how long I stayed there till I made the call
wrapping his cold stiff body
Into his favorite blue blanket
I opened the door and sat in the chair
Rocking him like it's his nap time
By now I'm just as numb as he is
What have I done to deserve this?
To have my entire world crumble in my arms
Paramedics rushed in taking him from my arms
Everything blurry as time stood still
My heart beat was the only thing I heard
And the faint incoherent words surrounded me
They're asking if I'm alright, what had happened
But all I could do was nod
As the white sheet that covered my little boy
Was placed in a black bag to be taken away
The lights flashing in my eyes
As I fell to the ground
Wishing, wanting death to come for me to