Dirty Laundry.

A poem about childhood abuse (As per the usual)

I know your tired of it, listening to me spit hate about a 20 year old rape,  about an abusive home that I didn't have the power to escape. 

I know you don't want to hear about the midnight screams, or the overwhelming dreams when there are children in Gaza are living is despotic regimes, but I can't keep the tears from flowing in streams.

Because I am trapped as a little girl in 1995, left on my own to figure out how to survive, while at the same time allowing everyone to use me as their own personal scapegoat.

I know, you don't want to hear it anymore.. those dirty laundry secrets that have been buried for decades, every couple of years having to be repaved so that the secrets don't overflow in cascades across your perfectly placed family portrait picture frames.

  You tell me that those bruises have long gone and healed, that I am just fueling a fire that you would rather conceal because its not my right to have your secrets revealed, 

and there is no sense in being angry because him and I live so far apart. That by continuing to be angry at him I am ripping our family apart..... but can't you see my scars? My damaged psyche?...My broken heart? 

When I was 18 I tried to write him a letter one day, but I came to the conclusion that I didn't have much to say. What words could possibly be uttered that would make the pain go away? Why speak them when they would have fallen on deaf ears anyway? 

and I know,  you wanna tell me to let it go, because we all have our crosses to bare. but there is no letting go of knowing the sound of a little girl deep in prayer, begging that next time he drags her around by her hair, hes careful not to let go, while hes dragging her up the stairs. There is no letting go on knowing how it feels to be that scared. 

I know you would rather me pretend that this never was, that we were a family of values and love. I know you thought you would have children that you could be proud of, and I am sorry if we failed to live up , to the expectations you always dreamed of, but I have to be the one to tell you dirt doesn't disappear just because you sweep it under the rug. 

you want me to allow him to live and watch him grow, and I know that you think that request is perfectly reasonable, the concept of forgive and forget is suppose to be so easily understandable, that I shouldn't be bothered by these events that happened so long ago, but you don't have to live with the turmoil of being a fractured soul because a mother didn't know...how to tell her little boy "no."

you tell me that children are starving are women are being raped, and that I need to find some way to channel all this hate, but I am left to wonder if you know the mortality rate of children who grow up in abusive homes, and subconsciously seek out abusive mates, or when they are reliving the moments in their head writing their suicide letters with signed names and dates, but people ask why? oh why? what could have led them to this fate?  How could no one have known about her emotional state?

why is it the abusers who get to decide, that if they just keep it quiet they can change their lives. That the ones that they abused are okay, as long as they survived. Why is it so easy for him to look me in the eyes and say that nothing ever happened and I'm just telling lies. Why is it under the influence of alcohol the only time he every cries? When I am screaming out every night, trying to escape the monsters he left in my mind? 

and I am sure you wish that I didn't write, but I need something to console me when I'm alone in my room at night, and although it causes my anger to ignite, and fuels the hate inside of me that I am unable to fight, it keeps me sane and from being that silhouette that's found swinging back and forth like a pendulum in shady light, of a door frame from a noose that was strapped on too tight....so you can keep asking me to forgive them, and I don't know one day I might...but until then I will continue to do our dirty laundry when I write. 

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Last year. Some sick man held three young girls prisoners for 12 years. I saw the girls. I don't believe they can heal completely. I went to war and saw blood and dead bodies. Somethings cannot be forgotten. I have six sisters and three daughters. I wonder what goes through those three girl mind? Your poetry is needed. The world is dirty and need to be cleaned. The truth must be told. Thank you for your honest words. I appreciate them.
Coyote

[NotaBene]

I agree. I think one of the biggest problems with our society and society in general is we want to sweep things under the rug. We don't want people to see our dirty laundry and we create a message that is better to pretend that things did not happen, then to sit there and say "look, this happened. How do we deal with it? Is there any way to resolve it? Is there anyway to make it better" Thank you for your review.

[Saddam]

Its horrific...........
The world is not so much good but some people has ruined it completely need to teach them a lesson about freedom and respect. Your write is powerful.
Great read dear friend.

[Ashira Macy]

This was heartbreaking and powerful, I am so sorry about what has happened to you in your past. At first I thought it was a father figure, but towards the end I started to drift toward a brother. Regardless, it is an awful betrayal that no one should ever have to deal with. Speak your rage loud and clear because we live in a rape culture that is hell bent on victim blaming. You are not to blame for this, he is, and that your mother doesn't understand is a tragedy. You penned this beautifully, and the title was brilliant as well.

[Ama May Cooper]

As someone who does the same thing, i am deeply moved by this piece. My farther was much the same man and it sickens me that people can get away with so much. Your work is beautiful your emotions and honest and you have all rights to feel them. This work is a master piece beyond words the brutality that they would rather not be said is written for all to see the dirty laundry cannot be over shadowed and ignored and it should not be. Your words should not be hidden for they are elegant and honest and filled with a rage that should of been adressed and quenched. Forgiveness is not easy where it is not deserved and i am sure many would say that forgiveness is not within your hands to give to someone who could do you so wrong and deny it so strongly.
Those haunting images that stay in your brain the tears that you have choked down merely to make things seem better for those around you, it is a shame a crying and unjust shame. It makes it worse that in every sneario the one haunted is rarely the abuser it is the victim that they created and choose for no reason other than there innocence.

[MsJewel]

I can feel the pain and emotion in your words. Truly a haunting piece of writing...very well penned.
:) Julie

[NotaBene]

Thank you, I am glad that you enjoyed it, there is much emotion behind the words. There are lot of memories hidden in the cracks of each line. Though they may be hard to see. :) Thank you for reading.

[Justin]

that was a really powerful, it has alot of emotion in it

[NotaBene]

Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

[Justin]

your welcome, i cant wait to see more of your material :)

[Mayank]

you have penned really very well, these are thoughts present in everyone head. I will request to change the tag from poem to journal/story.

[NotaBene]

Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed this piece. I was once told a long time ago that poems like this should never be written but I think it is important to be able to heal and use creative writing as a form of therapy. It is definitely a poem, but it is a poem that tells a story. Think you for your review.

[A. Amos]

Poignant subject and elegantly crafted...well done my friend!

[NotaBene]

Thank you, I am glad that you enjoyed it. :)