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A Poem by elenaluisa

Excitement rushed through my veins
As if I were on fire
A bubble of laughter escaped my body
And I began to admire

The joy and laughter he has brought
The way he's changed my life
From a shadowy, upset little girl
To a bright and happy wife

My eyes have filled and tears fall down
But not 'cause I'm upset
I cannot express how happy I am
I'm so glad that we have met

I no longer worry or dream at night
Of things that have happened
I've started a new life, a new blank page
I feel not in the slightest saddened

© 2017 elenaluisa

My Review

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Reviews

William Liston

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It flowed smoothly and the rhymes sounded comfortable and unforced. Overall, this is one of the better poems I've read on this site.

If I may critique, I feel like this piece could benefit from a couple of changes in phrasing, syntax, grammatical choices, and vocabulary.

1. First of all, I think the virtual lack of punctuation didn't do this piece justice. Also, I advise you not to capitalize every line because it tampers with the readability (for me at least).

2. I would word the first line as follows: "Excitement rushed THROUGHOUT my veins." It flows better, in my opinion.

3. I would have worded the first line of the third stanza as follows: "My eyes now stream with endless tears." The words "stream" and "endless" are more evocative to me.

4. In the last line of the fourth stanza, you say "I feel not in the slightest saddened." It's a general rule of writing that it's usually better to tell what things ARE ~ not what they are NOT. That being said, I'd rework the final line (or perhaps the whole stanza) presence of your happiness as opposed to the absence of your sorrow.

Hope this was helpful. If you have any questions, please ask.

- William Liston