Lying awake asleep

The ambiguity behind the inevitably obtainable

I told myself two of the biggest lies

-that ever I had dreamt.

1. she is with another guy. twisted in an embrace of of knees and limbs

I could only walk on by

He was an idiot and I knew it but she didn't and loved him anyway

It wasn't true, the two never met each other before

but the jealousy was there

it was nothing

I walked on into a room with my brother

plopped on the bed and reached for the hand carved headboard

It had been grandma's

and it couldn't be helped

it was hilarious

hysterically so

2. mom loved this bed

isn't it funny

still laughing

you know...you know what she told me

dying...and she says

she says

why aren't you wearing a coat?

it's cold out.

Her hands were clammy and the last thing she said was about how cold I felt

My brother just stood there

laughing didn't stop

crashing into the man three years junior

tears wetting his shoulder

colder still

That's what I woke up to

sad as hell, isn't it?

It was unclear then what was real

and behind my unconscious self, what was felt was genuine enough

if a bit ambiguous

shaking-my eyes were dry

hours passed

and I now know what needed to be second guessed

What I want-to be finally left alone

after hours overslept

is the most frightening thing of all

We aren't meant to win what we think

because in the end it will only be our undoing

Happiness isn't as we expect, our problems are never solved with a dream

and one day, those dreams will come true

we must face them when they do