Sky-Painting

***usually the poem appears here, please forgive it's textual absence... I'll add it later but for now please read my note UPDATE-poem is below***

 

****Ok everyone, thank you so much for your feedback.  Please see the below link to my new attempt at reading***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3vJU25sSf4&feature=plcp

 

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150916709174657&set=vb.569679656&type=2&permPage=1#!/photo.php?v=10150916709174657&set=vb.569679656&type=2&theater

 

I broke a string on my guitar and the moon

fell as my heart tried to tune itself.

 

And you truly don't know what color to paint

the sky even though you promised me 'always yours' blue

 

so now I'm shopping at Lowes for anything

but a sunset, with an anesthized guitar

 

strapped to my back, broken string swing-

swinging to my slow-jazz stride

 

of old tea and blackberry seeds.

Aisle leads to aisle, force-feeding

 

me past paint rollers, brushes, samples with silly

names like 'froth' and 'milkstain' and 'lima bean.'

 

I want to throw the person whose

9-5 job it is naming the paint colors down

 

from their office onto the blade of

night and then ask them to re-define black.

 

During this slight stain on reality, I turn

without turning my thought from the white

 

sky, absent of blush and tremor you left me

under, and suddenly I'm walking

 

down the light-fixture aisle,

dangling chandiliers--brass diamonds

 

and glowing plastic tears.  I buy them

all and string them up in my silent sky.

 

Now, I'm under electric

constellations, chandilier star-light drawing

 

the inner-black from my eyes and slow jazz tastes sweeter

than old blackberries and that deep forever.

Author's Note

Please excuse my deviation from this website's style, but if you follow the above link, it's a recording of this poem...I'm trying to improve my reading skills for open mic nights etc. Please let me know what you think. I want to be judged on the reading and how the words sound rather than how they look written first, hence this post. Thanks so much!

Reviews

[Samantha ~virginpoet]

your work and style are fast becoming a fave

I write a lot about space .... endlessly fascinating

Stardust permeated from your mouth forming constellations Mind-blowing Galaxy's

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

I think the pacing/tempo is all right
I would practice it a little slower, just in case you speed up when you read it out loud
your phrasing and enunciation is also good. You stop at key places and change your intonation etc.
the best advice I can give you is practice it in the mirror many many times..probly a few times a day until the open mic
you will be able to make mental notes of what subtly worked and what didn't
I prefer performing to live music for the spoken word
(my words are basically designed to be spoken; not really consciously, but to some degree)

but yeah, your voice has a lot of potential. it already works

slowing down never hurts..it isn't just about each word getting it's just due. Some words are meant to be rushed for contrast. but it's like dynamics in music..how can you have accents when they are basically all accents?

so yeah, you are doing great. I found your voice more legible and rhythmically accessible than most

hope my advice was useful..I'd hate for my experience to have gone to waste