Susie's pool

You stole the stars from my breath
so I sank to the bottom of the pool
and listened for rain.

The moon is naked with pewter;
it drips into my heartbeat,
slows it down until you pull
me to the surface,
like a star to the earth.

Reviews

[Dana Alsamsam]

in this piece it seems that when they stole the stars from your breath, they stole you as well. when you emerge from the water, you yourself are the star in the night sky- replaced and refigured in a purer form. i enjoy how the first and last lines both use the star as a metaphor. it seems as though the middle section is purposely heavy and deliberately clear the way everything is under water and at the end the last line pops like resurfacing. wonderful images!

[eglantine]

You got it right! Thanks for reading! :)

[.]

I really loved your imagery here ,Egla :), and how you use the moon as the vehicle of your metaphor to pull the falling star to surface. Amazing :) The only suggestion would be the repeated word"star", but that solely knit picking.Great job

[eglantine]

Thanks for reading and the suggestion! I'll look into it :)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

The cosmic priciples of this one are quite ingenious. "You stole the stars from my breath/so I sank..."--this is a great opening bit, because it is both tangible and spiritual at the same time. Then, you bring in the moon imagery, but you go farther and show it "drip into my heartbeat". I like the sense of someone submerged, heart slowing, seeing only the moon, and then..."...you pull/me to the surface,/like a star to the earth.", which is really a nice juxtaposition of a falling star vs. one that is rising. Metaphorically, this speaks on many different levels.

The language was beautiful, as always with your work, and I find that you are unafraid to push the envelope when it comes to images, but you do so with a hand skilled enough that those obscure images actually make sense. Well done.

[eglantine]

Thanks for reading and reviewing, as always :)

[Clockwork]

I like the concept of this one, especially what you establish in the first stanza. You've done some really interesting things with cosmic imagery this summer and that first line shows off your skill. The feeling of losing that celestial body, descending into night without starlight, is very applicable to something like depression or waiting for a lover. I also like the idea of the moon dripping into the heartbeat of the speaker.

My one critique here is that I'm not sure that the closing simile works here. Maybe I am being to literal with my interpretation of the gravitational attraction of a planet to a star. Aside from that, I think that it grinds a bit.

I do like the idea of being pulled to the surface, and that lover or friend having the wherewithal/gravity to rescue you.

Thank you for sharing this with me, it was a pleasure reading as always.

[I Shred This Cabbage]

he would cut up his own writing to form new sentences...just wondering if you employ it...sometimes I'm suspcious :P

[eglantine]

hahaha no I don't, at least not consciously

[I Shred This Cabbage]

haha oh well maybe it's something to look into!

[I Shred This Cabbage]

are you using Burroughs cut up technique to come up with new poems? ;)

[eglantine]

What is this technique you speak of?