Michigan October

The sun has left my skin,
soaked into oak leaves
and now I'm a soft sigh
of chai steam, dressed
in a pencil skirt and blouse,
walking to work.

My black ballet flats
flit through gatherings of red
leaves like flakes of dried ink
leftover from a love poem.

The sun wrings out
what light it can spare,
gently like my lips murmuring
lyrics I only half know.

Squirrels tight-rope walk
electric lines, trees scatter
the wind and I forget
I'm attached to my name.

Reviews

[Clockwork]

I am in love with the assonance and the alliteration in the first stanza. You have the liquid sounds of all the s and l words. Then there is the assonance in soaked, oak, soft. I Imagine reading those lines as exhaling a bit of that chai steam.

Again with stanza two, you have that great first line with alliteration and assonance: "My black ballet flats." The simile in that stanza is wonderful, and you even manage to keep the sonic depth you have built in the rest of the piece as you lay down that wonderful comparison.

Those elements flow nicely into the image of the sun in stanza three. I like the idea of the simile in that stanza, but not as much as the one from stanza two.

One of the best closing lines I think I have read here this year: "I forget
I'm attached to my name."

That lines brings together all of the images and the sounds from the other stanzas. I feel as all of those aspects of this piece give the reader a sense of fading. The chai steam, the sun, and the half remembered lyrics are all in various stages of fading.

I feel as though this piece flows the best out of all of the ones I have read by you thus far. In truth, it sings.

[eglantine]

thanks so much! :D

[Clockwork]

Welcome :-)

[Chris]

I've seen your clones walking downtown on autumn days
fresh from classes and taking a break to catch their breath.
Some tend to pose by the university gates and at kiosks
so their friends(?)-acquaintances can note their presence.

I think you painted the picture VERY well, with this work, of the person being who they became.

[eglantine]

thank you very much for your insightful review :)

[Chris]

and I really did not mean it - meanly at all.

[Stammers]

My black ballet flats
flit through gatherings of red
leaves like flakes of dried ink
leftover from a love poem.

I love all of your images. Your style is quite organic, do you edit much?

[eglantine]

thank you ! And do you mean editing my own work or others?

[Stammers]

your own

[eglantine]

Yes, I prefer handwriting rather than typing when it comes to writing/revising, so most of my drafts/revisions are in my journal thing.

[Zoelouise]

The use of imagary is wonderfull a lovely read

[eglantine]

thanks!

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

stanza number two really was the s**t...ok, that was a bad yet hilarious joke, but I'm affording myself that liberty...every stanza basically has its own balance of intensity and subtleness in its imagery..I'm glad I re-visited this today..its power was lost on my the first time to some degree..idk why, I'm just grateful to be here now

[eglantine]

well thank ya John! WC is a fun place to be sometimes lol

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

it is, Danielle :) you are correct! I will be a gentleman if you'll be a scholar..I think it's great you tolerating me so well. kudos!

[eglantine]

deal! You are also a demon slayer and I am also a mermaid.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

nah, I'm just here to make sure the demon feels pretty, dressin em up in tutus and giving them constant narcissistic validation...tea parties, peanut butter sandwiches and such..oh I think I get it, you meant like a sword of humor or something

[eglantine]

lol

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i see this as being soaked into the mundane life....from the whimsical carefree self to the responsible adult sucked into the everyday existence...but as we walk, there are still reminiscences of that other life....the leaves falling around us..."gatherings of red leaves/ like flakes of dried ink"

that part for me speaks of the days of love...approached with reckless abandon...but now all grown up...we know better.

life's lessons make us older, more wise. we pirouette through life on "black ballet flats" no longer wearing those crazy high heeled whims.

damn this is deeply profound...

jacob

[eglantine]

thank you so much Jacob :)

[Hayley]

Oh, wow, I love the imagery! You definitely have some quotable lines, too.
Well done; it's just beautiful!

[eglantine]

thank you :)

[.]

I really loved how you captured the moment in this poem. The descriptive language has that surreal undertone which is usually evident in your writing, and I also love the metaphors. My favorite line was "

Squirrels tight-rope walk
electric lines, trees scatter
the wind and I forget
I'm attached to my name."

Great job, Yo lol

[eglantine]

thanks Cord :D

[Rosalind Gale]

I read this poem several times and find it mesmerizing and a little surreal. Like others who have left a review I too enjoy the images and language. For me, what I like best is the hazy half-light that surrounds it - a dream not quite remembered.
Thank you -
-x-

[eglantine]

thank you for reading :) I appreciate it

[MachinaWriter]

Love the imagery and all the descriptive language used in this poem. A beautiful painting of words. The very first stanza is definitely my favorite, hooking you right away with the evocative language you use. "soaked into oak leaves / and now I'm a soft sigh / of chai steam" Beautiful. Great work, well crafted, beautiful. As always, I'm a fan ^^

[eglantine]

thank ya bunches :)