Michigan October

The sun has left my skin,
soaked into oak leaves
and now I'm a soft sigh
of chai steam, dressed
in a pencil skirt and blouse,
walking to work.

My black ballet flats
flit through gatherings of red
leaves like flakes of dried ink
leftover from a love poem.

The sun wrings out
what light it can spare,
gently like my lips murmuring
lyrics I only half know.

Squirrels tight-rope walk
electric lines, trees scatter
the wind and I forget
I'm attached to my name.

Reviews

[Clockwork]

I am in love with the assonance and the alliteration in the first stanza. You have the liquid sounds of all the s and l words. Then there is the assonance in soaked, oak, soft. I Imagine reading those lines as exhaling a bit of that chai steam.

Again with stanza two, you have that great first line with alliteration and assonance: "My black ballet flats." The simile in that stanza is wonderful, and you even manage to keep the sonic depth you have built in the rest of the piece as you lay down that wonderful comparison.

Those elements flow nicely into the image of the sun in stanza three. I like the idea of the simile in that stanza, but not as much as the one from stanza two.

One of the best closing lines I think I have read here this year: "I forget
I'm attached to my name."

That lines brings together all of the images and the sounds from the other stanzas. I feel as all of those aspects of this piece give the reader a sense of fading. The chai steam, the sun, and the half remembered lyrics are all in various stages of fading.

I feel as though this piece flows the best out of all of the ones I have read by you thus far. In truth, it sings.

[eglantine]

thanks so much! :D

[Clockwork]

Welcome :-)

[Mark]

So very much a fall day, I can smell the leaves turning, the bite in the wind. Lyrical and descriptive. Love this poem.

[beautiful dreamer]

Lol black ballet flats i have soooo many of those since people get mad when i wear anything heeled..great poem i loved it!!! October is my fave month :)

[eglantine]

haha yes, I wear lots of flats.

[beautiful dreamer]

Mee too i have tens of them. Always looking for a new pair lol.

[Cole Hayley]

The last stanza is very very good. Im not so crazy about the first one, the rest of them all are soo fresh, but the first one to me is kinda pratical. Besides that, and even with that, its a excellent peice.

[eglantine]

merci!

[ChemicalMadness]

The sun wrings out what light it can spare...that is dead on for Michigan!! It's gentle, it's weak, and it's fleeting....

Love the flakes of dried ink as well...

Perfect snapshot!
CM

[flash]

Yes..that is what it's like. I see it, seen it. love ClockWerks review but the imagery holds. Keep on expressing what you see is your reality eglantine!!!!

[eglantine]

Merci flash!

[Coyote Poetry]

I like my Michigan October's. Cooler days and people are slowing down after a fast pace Summer. I like the description. Create nice visions of the Fall in Michigan. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote

[eglantine]

Thanks a bunches!

[Hawkmoon]

hahaha "I forget I'm attached to my name" is fantastic.

[eglantine]

thanks!

[James William Dyer]

I knew I read this before. I like how you incorporate the sun into yourself while at the same time keeping it external

[eglantine]

thank you

[Dinesh Sairam]

This was a splendid read! A great description of a light moment. I actually read this a while back, but didn't have time to review it. And as it showed up on my timeline just now, I had to comment on it. It's that good.

There were certain downsides, though, which aren't too serious a mistake. The two descriptions of the sun refer to the same thing (The sun leaving, disappearing) and is somewhat redundant. The same goes to the mentioning of leaves in stanza one and two.

I don't, further, understand two imageries- The "dried ink leftover from a love poem" and the squirrels (Of course, I understood this, but it's just that it stands out as an odd entity).

There are also minor punctuation details, but I'll leave that to you.

I loved the lines

"I'm a soft sigh
of chai steam"

"The sun wrings out"

"I forget
I'm attached to my name."

Keep writing.

[Michael Kevin Spencer]

You seem just drenched in conventions of modern poetry, it's pleasant and chiselled, but you might want to think of what's your original contribution to art?

The last 2 stanzas were quite delicious! It's a fine level of poetry, just sometimes I wonder what will be your next step in terms of topic.

[eglantine]

yes, i know... i need to leave my nest in the moon lol