L'arbre

There are fifty leaves

left on the tree that's rooted

in my October heart.

 

They tremble when I breathe

and whisper when I speak.

 

As a child, I would rest

my palm on the old

crab-apple tree's twisted

flesh and sit between its

teeth, ask for its' name.

 

My tree does not know

the nimble taste of light or the

decadence water knits

and its trunk is wrapped

with veins that bloom

in colors that don't yet exist.

 

It trembles when I speak

and whispers when I breathe.

Author's Note

put the comma back in after reading comments, I feel the urge of it's presence

Reviews

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

I love the flow (apparently there's been an edit, but I can't imagine you changed it too much). I like the way you turned the last stanza around in repetition.
I like how the roots taste soil instead of light, and as you describe it, it's like you're telling each other a story. Similarly, you further, and perhaps more subtly and powerfully, express a subtle disconnection with the outside world as you connect the reader with time when you describe veins/colors. It's an interesting contrast you create between fantasy/reality and history/moment(s) in time. Very interesting to read, thank you.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

I think the last line of the debated stanza needs the word "ask" needs to be "asking", or another "and" thrown in there for it to make sense grammatically, unless I'm reading it wrong..I'd hate to think we're debating everything but the relevant, LOL

[Melobldnfr]

I really like this, beginning to end.

[Paul R. Watson]

your poetry is so visual and you make me see your tree/heart. great work :)

[Fréyjä Helv..]

Beautiful words, beautiful flow... I see nothing wrong with the structure of this poem... How a poem is constructed creates a certain image that may be interpreted in many ways... You change its structure and it holds a different meaning... Everything matters in a poem, and how the writer portrays his/her thoughts defines their personality.... nice work...

[Whales]

You should tell someone about what you're trying to scream out...unless I'm reading this all wrong and am making a giant butt of myself...oh well, I accept it and whale. Anyway, even if this isn't about you trying to get something out, drink SleepyTime vanilla tea and some popcorn because I will make up a story: write now. HA. i'm so punny. (This will be interesting) I saw the small dog, mocking me while it died in the gutter. Standing there I was puzzled because, how could a dying dog say I'm lower than him? I slowly walked up to the dying dog and picked him up from his front paws, He was a small beagle, but I danced with him. We danced until he died because I wanted his last minutes to be something fun rather then belittling a random stranger. Even though I was sad that he made fun of me, I knew his ghost would be at peace. I picked him up, and brought him home. I got my shovel from the back shed and dug a hole and filled it with the diamonds of my whales. Then I cremated the dog with honer and went inside my house and cried myself to sleep. Why am I so alone.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

Possibly the best review on this website.

Who the f**k else has danced with a dying beagle and buried it with whale diamonds?

[Whales]

Me: The young man who has the brain of the number 4.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

I'm not very good at writing that weird, bizarre whacky s**t, but I appreciate it when I see it. It's fun.

[eglantine]

I have a beagle and I miss her very much :(

[Whales]

Welp, this is a load full of awkward.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

Like 'Family Guy' kind of awkward. You know, when Peter does his "tssssssss OOOh. Erm, it's OK...." *pat, pat* whilst feigning sympathy. LOL.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

That's the most disgusting looking comment I've ever made anywhere online.

[eglantine]

bwhahahaha

[allie_arrowz]

ooh i like this. i like "october heart"
"in colors that don't yet exist" is interesting, too.
i think its one of your best.
:)

[eglantine]

Thanks :D

[Lily Mae]

I love the flow and feel.. it reads smooth and well to me... I love the free flow of it..xo well done..xo

[JohnnyMagrinho]

I'm really happy to see that comma again. I'm glad you've gone back to what you original felt whilst writing the poem. It's important you express yourself naturally as well as within the confines of a well-worded poet.

[eglantine]

Ya, thanks for sticking up for me... I orginally wanted it, but felt the need to please the audience rather than stick with what the poem was trying to say.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

No problem. I f*****g hate stupid people who think they are clever and understand s**t like poetry or expressionism etc... It's your poetry, you do whatever the f**k you want with it.

It annoys me because I don't claim to understand any poem 100%, just I comment on what I felt from it. And if I think something disrupts the rhythm or pace of the piece, especially in this context, I will assume either the poet wanted it to be that way or try to find some reason - conscious or not - for it to be there. I won't just say "I don't like it. Change it." That's disgustingly arrogant and stupid to say.

It's one thing to offer advice, it's another to dictate how every piece of poetry, everywhere, should be written.

[Alicia Beavis]

The refrain just made the piece for me. As for the whole comma thing, I read it both ways and it felt comfortable either way. For me, I'm just going to go with what you, as the writer, prefer.

But anyways, beautiful piece.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

In response to 'w' and his suggestion, I too, cannot agree with his rationalisation as I think what he is saying makes very little sense as LHS has stated, this is a poem and not a short story.

A comma is the difference between poetic subtlty and poor grammar, but I think there should be more of an open mind about the use of punctuation when it comes to pieces such as this.

I think this poem is incredibly well written with a huge amount of angst and inner conflict. It seems as though the poet has some sort of conflict that is impossible to ignore and has gone to grow within him but at the same time struggle to grow much more. It's as if this tree is a strong symbol of that conflict as well as the aftermath; a tree losing it's leaves, growing old and stalwart and becoming further permanent in its standing.

I adore how dark and forboding the poem is. This is probably about something far more serious than you're letting on, and that subtlty is haunting in its prowess, and I am especially fond of the nostalgia found in the child who would rest his palm on the apple tree. It's delightful.

I am no stranger to offsetting pace or using strange manipulation of rhyming schemes, so I am a definite fan of what you have ended up with.

I think it's very understated but very raw without being pretentious or poorly worded.

That bit about the teeth and the child and the tree. That makes me want to grind my teeth and tear at my flesh. It's like you were biting your lip when you wrote that part.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

well said.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

one thing I got out of it, was possibly a child's perspective of a relationship with an elderly relative, which I found interesting, especially considering how well it was executed..possibly a facing of mortality...just an interpretation, but an interesting one