Gone

On the night that the sky is the blackest, and the rain is at its coldest,

each breath you take gets heavier, each move you make loses its strength,

each word you speak doesn’t make sense, when they call a dense road the freeway,

a field; sheltered, remorse is a public affection of display,

sex is answered so rapidly, while drugs are a cry for help,

write a book about everyone in town, & the hardship is a story of one’s self,

so here it goes, if I could, I would, few more lines,

--till I’m gone for good.

Reviews

[Solst Rapture]

I do think there is plenty in this to make me really pay attention. It rang something in me that needed to be rung. I always have been profound but recently, since I have been studying writing, I have lost my edge and it seems that perhaps I have lost my appeal too (If indeed I really had any). There is in this work a feeling of 'more', things untold.

It's an interesting arrangement of style too. I'm going to actually use my mind here, to see if I can show you what I took from it...

*On the night that the sky is the blackest, and the rain is at its coldest,*
This puts me at the very edge of comfort. I'm in the pits of my own cave and it's wet and cold. A good opening.
*each breath you take gets heavier, each move you make loses its strength,*
Ah, I wonder if I should have paid so much attention. I'm with you, whether that be words or the mind that penned this, I am with you.
*each word you speak doesn't make sense, when they call a dense road the freeway,*
The first part of this is great and I was still 'with it'. But I have to say that I didn't need you explaining it. The road and freeway was an intrusion for me.
*a field; sheltered, remorse is a public affection of display,*
The continuation here, I guess enjambement almost, is a little misleading. What is 'a field' referring to? I think these last two lines were the least effective on me. although, the idea of considering displays of affection fits in...it's on my mind already so it feels like it needs releasing, or realizing some how.
*sex is answered so rapidly, while drugs are a cry for help,*
This is a great line. It has that vulnerability about it and also asks us questions about life as a people - how we relate. I wonder if the two parts of this line are referring to each other as well as they could. They're two independent statements. Would it be better if sex and drugs were answered in the same way? How is drug addiction answered?
*write a book about everyone in town, & the hardship is a story of one's self,*
I'd love to write a book about everyone in town...great line. Does '&' work? Is it needed? Perhaps the hardship is a story within itself? I just had a little difficulty with the second part of that line, but again I know it is close to what is needed...
*so here it goes, if I could, I would, few more lines,*
Are you missing the word write? I like this last line because it's almost like you're urging yourself to continue through the discomfort.
*--till I'm gone for good.*
Poignant last line adding to the complex mystery of all this. It by no means leaves me isolated. It connects to me in places but I don't know how or where...as people say to me, inside it there must be a bit of you, the author, otherwise it couldn't have been possible.

A great effort. I hope I have not wasted your time with this review.
Regards,
Solst

[Wondering Mind]

Poignant prose; you have some very clever expressions in this well penned piece. Nicely done!

[John A Common]

Very well done.