Loss of a Son

small bio of big event

Steve was 18 when he knocked on our door

 

almost 30 years ago

5-10 and barely 100 pounds

he could barely speak and had the shakes

his pale blond face was covered with sores

 

we took him in, fed him

and his story was slowly revealed

he was my second wife’s oldest 

he’d always been quiet 

held his emotions with reserve

and found communication difficult

 

he dropped out of high school 

in Kansas City and ran away

he dealt drugs got hooked on heroin

didn’t pay off his supplier

and told us that he’d been 

shot at on the street

he hitchhiked out of town

afraid to go back to where he was staying

 

he’d traveled for two days 

250 miles without food or water

.... or drugs

we rented an uninsulated old farmhouse

in the woods and were in 

a ‘back-to-the-earth’ phase

wood heat, cistern water, livestock,

 

I was beginning self-employment

escaping the rat race

learning to work hard

glad to be away from the office

 

it took him a week to

act like a human

covered with needle tracks

manic depressive emotions

hard for my new wife and 

two grade school kids 

to tolerate, to understand

 

I devoted the summer to Steve

by his side  day and night

I watched him become 

a whole person again

I got a pressure pot spray paint

set-up with compressor

advertised as a painter

taught Steve to handle 

and clean the equipment

we sprayed metal roofs, barns,

fertilizer tanks and farm equipment

just the two of us

 

by the end of summer 

money was running low

I’d begun to really bond with Steve

I let him smoke 

we shared quiet moments

conversations went into depth

I mentored and occasionally 

even heard Steve’s laughter

 

I put out my resume and was offered 

an engineering design job in Knoxville, Tennessee

I packed my cherry 53 Ford pickup and

Steve and I drove 800 miles to a new adventure

my darling, tolerant wife and kids stayed behind

The University of Tennessee was in session,

but we found a house with two rooms for rent.

 

I pressed him to find a job... 

not easy in a college town

we spent weekends camping

along the Appalachian trail 

shooting pool.  

He was longing to feel worthy

he was not content to sit around 

and let me support him

I was gone for 10 or more hours every day

he couldn’t linger around the house

so went for long walks

and gave blood for pot money

by Christmas he needed a change

I gave him pocket money and a

ticket for a bus ride to Kansas City

 

I missed him and prayed every day

was not surprised that he didn’t write

In April, his mother, who never called me

called crying to tell me that he’d been killed

I was devastated.  

 

I drove my truck to Kansas City for

the funeral

I was greeted by many kids his age 

who all said they knew me 

he constantly talked about me 

he’d not been killed 

as his mother wanted to believe.

 

He’d hung himself with a rope 

from a light fixture in his girlfriend’s house.

another tragedy and loss swept over me

I still try not to blame myself

his mother is still in denial

 

Death begins with life’s first breath

and life begins at touch of death

Reviews

[Helen Crutchett]

Life is cruel at times. Losing loved ones is the hardest things to bear. Dear papaed, I read Sheila's poem of losing her darling son and now of your loss. There is nothing more you could have done dear, you supported him, loved him, almost gave up your life for him and he loved you for it. We have no control of anything in this life sadly, but I beg you, do not 'blame' yourself (easy for me to say).

A very brave and beautiful write. Bless you for sharing these intimate thoughts with us.

[Sheila Kline]

Oh my papaed! Your words jolt my consciousness and cause my heart to weep! You have described the death/suicide of this young man with such detail, as you describe your "knowing him", your fondness of him, the relationship you had with him is written in such a way that I feel as I also knew him - not as you....but knew who he was by the compassion and affection you had for this dear soul!
Your last lines are awesome.....so insightful!
Thank you for leading me to his write!!

[Emily B]

What a story! Told simply, straightforward, I can't begin to tell you the emotions I felt reading your words.

[Nick Erickson]

Sometimes I feel it's not worth reviewing old work where someone lost a loved one, fearing opening old wounds. However... I was so touched by this piece, your love for your wayward son. Maybe it's because I have a young son of my own and hope and pray each day he grows to be a good man, avoiding many of the mistakes I've made, knowing I'll love him no matter what.
This was a wonderful poem, sharing this very hard and magical moment in your life.
Excellent work and thank you.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

This is a heart wrenching story, I am so sorry for your loss, but believe me it is never your fault, I know for I had similar feelings, different situation. We still feel the same. Thank you for sharing this with me. Debileah