![]() I Wish I Paid AttentionA Poem by Ziggy Matthews![]() This is a rough first draft, as are all my other poems. There are some edits I want to make eventually, but this is what I wanted to share at this moment. I hope you enjoy! 12/300![]() I wish I had paid attention when You first came into my life. I was sitting on my bedroom floor Slamming my head against a metal bedframe, Hoping the blunt force would cause Some kind of aneurysm. Tears painted my face like make up And the agony that poured from my inner being Yelled out for the first time in ages. I wish I paid more attention when My friend told me that you loved me Unconditionally. No strings attached. I was this emotional wreck Yet, you loved me. That’s when I first opened the door Realizing you’d been knocking For quite some time. I wish I paid attention when I felt you embrace me. Obviously, you weren’t a physical being But I could feel your spirit grasping me. I wish I paused longer in that moment. You, The Great Comforter, The one who knows every hurt and pain we have. I wish I paid attention when You asked me to surrender it all to you. You said that you’d carry my burdens And you’d never give me too much to handle. But once again I have this pit In my stomach Of doubt. Will you come through again? I wish I paid attention when You said you knew me completely. So personally. So intimately. You knew about every scar I allowed to draw on my heart And what they represented. Every lie I ever told myself And the secrets I’d been hiding. You saw the real me. And you, an eternal being, Were astonished. Filled with joy by His creation. If your word is true Then in that moment, Thousands of angels Celebrated As this prodigal son Finally came home. He came to his senses. And realizing he needed more He embraced your message: The Gospel. His salvation. But I wish I paid attention when You went over the basics. When our relationship first started, My heart was like a wild fire Bursting into flames With the smallest of kindle. I wanted everyone to know The awesomeness of you. But as time flew and flew, Life’s river slowly eroded a canyon Between me and you. Suddenly, I felt so distant. This God I once joyfully spoke with Every morning Became someone that I resented. What happened? I wish I paid attention when You told me that humans were not you. They were flawed, Even though they were in your image. So when they insisted I follow the path I knew you did not mean for me, I fled from you Seeking the affirmation And acceptance I so greatly desired. I wish I paid more attention when You told me that you accepted me. A wise man once said The more we become like Jesus, The more truer to our real selves we’ll be. But here I was off pretending To be someone I wasn’t. An imposter in my own clothing Looking in the mirror And realizing A stranger was staring back. Good intentions Doesn’t always mean Right motives. I wish I paid more attention, But I didn’t. So here I am now, God Trying to recover This relationship that was lost. Unrecognizable compared to before. Where do we start? Do we talk about the pain and resentments That I hid underneath my own fig leaves For so long Because I never wanted to believe The words you told me. I never believed I was accepted. I never believed I was forgiven. So every time I felt ashamed I ran back to my addictions To cope With the self I was escaping. The person I didn’t want to be Because I was scared shitless That when I became the real Ziggy… You’d reject me. Just like the others. Funny how we take our traumas And mold you out of ‘em. You washed away my sins, But I don’t feel white as snow. I feel like a leper Begging for your cleansing. But for me, It feels like it never is coming. Why did you take me on this journey? I see you working, And I know you never stopped. But God, I don’t know how To make sense of all this stuff. So I’m going back to my notes, Back to the beginning. Where that young dark soul Found a new serenity. Instead of being enslaved To the opinions of others And the burdens they place on me. I know there’s not a second genesis. But can you please gift me My exodus from this misery? Photo by Christ Liu on Unsplash © 2021 Ziggy MatthewsAuthor's Note
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3 Reviews Added on March 16, 2021 Last Updated on March 16, 2021 Tags: poetry, depression, spiritual harm, evangelical, Christianity, God, religion, poem, ziggy, matthews, rejection, pain, suffering Author![]() Ziggy MatthewsNEAboutA disturbed "at-risk" child that grew up to become a semi-functional adult and teacher who helps other "at risk" children become semi-functional adults. Writing is my therapy and passion. Realistic fi.. more..Writing
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