Recovery + Vulnerability = The Real Me

8/300. This prompt was difficult because I had to involve math equations. I think it worked out. I explored my childhood walks to cope with my fading mental health. Enjoy!

Ever since my childhood,

I have been analytical.

Instead of processing things with emotions,

I analyzed the situations, the manipulation.

Mom plus dad equals hours of yelling.

Me leaving my room

Equaled tortured guilt trips and frustration.

 

So, I would walk.

Try to get my mind off

Whatever was bothering me

In that moment.

My favorite place to hit up

Was the local Kum N Go.

I’d grab a 32 oz Dr. Pepper, no ice

And two Old Wisconsin beef sticks for the road.

 

I’d blare Simple Plan songs into my ear

Because Pierre Bouvier seemed to be the only human

Who could understand me.

I used to think that me minus my parents

Would equal happiness.

I was wrong.

 

Simple changes can’t get rid of

Years of overlooked, undiagnosed depression.

It can’t erase the trauma

That laces every moment, every song.

What is a boy to do

When every lie that whispers into his ear seems so true?

Would they think I died too soon?

 

I used to dream about my funeral.

What it would be like when I was finally gone.

I imagined that some would grieve.

Others would care less.

So obsessed with others’ perceptions

I stripped away my innocence.

 

This world minus me wouldn’t be a better place,

No matter how much I believed it.

Paul always calls life a long race,

I just hope I can finish it.

 

Resentment floods my arteries.

Regret swims through my veins.

I always thought the grass was greener,

But all I learned from life’s mistakes

Was that trauma only begets more pain.

And ignoring that will lead to no resolution.

It takes willingness and vulnerability

To rid ourselves of our own toxic pollution.

Photo from Robson Hatsukami Morgan on Unsplash

Author's Note

Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to hear your critiques, feedback, and reactions. Feel free to shoot me some read requests as well!!!

Reviews

[Nix is typing...]

I really liked the way you (sorta?) involved math in this, Ziggy!!! I'm gonna quote a lot from this poem in my review, so...brace yourself, lol.
"Mom plus dad equals hours of yelling"
I've been here, well...sorta, it is Mom plus dad does equal hours of yelling, but it's mostly one-sided, "daddy dearest" yells at mom for hours on end. He'll do the same at me because he can't control his emotions...well...I might be wrong, he can keep all his other emotions in check (happiness, sadness, vulnerability, etc....)...except for anger. He's always screaming about how much better his life was before he brought us to America. (My poem, "When I was a little girl" gives a little insight on that, it sits in a book called, "Poems from my past" somewhere in my profile) He's always yelling about how he thinks he was just our ticket to America...but I was only two when he brought me here, so I had no say in the matter. A lot of my childhood memories (the ones I have left anyway...getting hit by a car when I was 12 really messed me up) are of him and my mom screaming in the living room, but like twelve years later, it's still happening, except he'll scream, and she'll just sit there and take it...then she'll go into a different room and cry for a while...
"I’d blare Simple Plan songs into my ear
Because Pierre Bouvier seemed to be the only human
Who could understand me."
I'm not very well acquainted with Simple Plan but I understand where you're coming from completely. I'll usually have NF or Eminem or Black Veil Brides or Greenday blaring in my ears drowning out the world around me because I always feel like I'm so misunderstood and that I'll be misunderstood for the rest of my life. I always have this constant gnawing that I'm going to die alone, no friends, no family, no husband, no one loving me...no one being at my funeral, which brings me to my next quote.
"I used to dream about my funeral.
What it would be like when I was finally gone."
My biggest fear...is dying alone...although, the older I get, the stronger the belief is becoming that I might...
"Simple changes can’t get rid of
Years of overlooked, undiagnosed depression.
It can’t erase the trauma
That laces every moment, every song."
I feel like I understand these lines. I'm not exactly sure if I have depression...one of my friends said that he's seen enough therapists to know that I have bipolar-depression, but I've never been allowed to go to a therapist and find out. I've been confined to this prison of a room for far too long...and the warden is ruthless...I've been through trauma of my own (I think almost everyone has, it's vague, but it makes my point) and I know these words very well...
"I used to think that me minus my parents
Would equal happiness"
I'm still seventeen, a few months to eighteen, and I feel like this constantly...like once I can leave, and get the hell outta here, and get a steady place to live, I'll be so happy...I'll feel so free, like my dad was the ball python wrapped around my neck, squeezing tight, suffocating me to the point where I'm blue in the face and am running out of air. Maybe once I'm out...things will be better...maybe I wouldn't wanna die so much...
"Resentment floods my arteries.
Regret swims through my veins."
I like the way you did this :) Resentment flooding through your arteries, substituting fat clogging your heart. anthropomorphizing regret...I love this.
Omg, this took me like 30 minutes to write...oh, well, it's like four in the morning, it'll be okay. I'm going to go ahead and cut myself off here, I know you said you were okay with the rambling, but If I don't conclude myself here, who knows when I'm gonna stop? Lol.
All in all, this was a simply superb, extraordinarily well-written, and super relatable poem! Thank you for sharing this, knowing there are people out there who feel-ish (or at least FELT) the way I do really makes me feel a little less alone. :)

Kindly, Nix ❤️️

[Ziggy Matthews]

Thank you so much for your in-depth review! It's always nice to see the positives in a piece. I always appreciate it. I have never been diagnosed with depression, but I think that is due to my fear of medication. I don't even like taking my allergy meds. XD However, I can tell from my family history and from my own emotions and actions that it's been a struggle for a really long time. It feels nice to actually talk about it.

[Nix is typing...]

It was a pleasure reading you! "I have never been diagnosed with depression, but I think that is due to my fear of medication."
Ha, no wonder you're a fellow fan of NF, y'all got things in common, "Would I be the same if I was medicated?
Even therapists say I need medication
I avoid it, though, because I'm scared to take it" (His song, "Only") I was literally gonna comment on this as soon as it popped in my email, but I got so distracted looking for the song that had those lyrics you reminded me of that I just lost focus of what I was doing. (I think I have ADHD). I don't really know anything about my family history, half of them live halfway across the world and the other half remains unknown (my dad's adopted) so I can't really look for answers there...I'm glad you feel the freedom to talk about your past here...it's a safe space to talk :)

Oh, I forgot to say this to you, after looking at your profile and looking at your stats, I just wanna say
Welcome back to the cafe! I hope you enjoy your stay!!!

[Nomo]

My parents aren't the best either. My mother abandoned me when I was just a babe, my father a drunk and a druggie. I would leave during the night at my father's, never wanting to stay. Now I have my mother back in my life but things aren't the best there either. I always have earbuds in I can't seem to take them out even when I am in class. I have trouble staying sane in the head, yet I don't take much for meds except allergy meds. I relate to this poem in so many ways. Thank you for sharing!

[Ziggy Matthews]

Thank you for be willing to review! I'm glad the poem gave you an outlet to relate.