Dear Future Me

This is poem 4 out of my 300 poem series. This is a letter to myself in the future, but it is more so a reflection on my obsession and self-hatred of my weaknesses.

Dear future me,

I like to think about you

Because you’ve already conquered

Everything

That I’m currently

Struggling with,

Or have you?

 

Do you still struggle

With money

And paying off the

Venomous student loans

You took out for

The benefit of ministry?

How did that work for you?

 

So worried about what

Others think of you

That you’re willing to give up

Anything

To be looked up to.

How pathetic.

 

Do you still obsess over

How other people look at you?

Are you desperate for their love

And affection?

Their praises bringing about

Some personal resurrection

From the depths of self-pity

And self-hatred

That has led to more

Emotional self-harm

Then you’d ever admit?

Or do you finally have wholeness?

 

Not just some empty void

That burns deeper and deeper

Inside of your soul

Knowing that God takes up

Space there, but you’ve

Quenched the Spirit so much

That you feel like He’s

Almost non-existent at times.

Did you make amends with Him?

 

Or was it too difficult?

Because you would always go

On and on in your head

Procrastinating the inevitable

Because eventually

You were going to break.

Did you break?

 

Maybe you’re still broken

Like a forgotten toy

Put up on the shelf

And everyone has fond

Memories of it,

But they never bring it up…

Too dangerous

Because that would bring up

The suffering that took place

When you finally snapped

And hit rock bottom.

Did the bottom taste like cold asphalt?

 

Did your mouth start bleeding

On the ground

Outflowing every misery

That you clogged up?

Or did you finally get sober?

 

I’ve tried for years

But the cunning, the baffling

The images, the lusting

Just always seemed to be so

Innate

That I couldn’t get rid of it

Even though I wore

My problems on my sleeve

I kept falling back in

To the trap that I set for myself

Playing into the devil’s hands

Out of fear of what you…

You could become.

What did you become?

 

Did you become debt free?

A bird that can fly off into the wind

Sharing the Good News on every corner

Because your life was finally changed

Or did you succumb to your demons

Under lust and Johnnie Walker

Because you failed one too many times

And realized you were a goner?

Please, tell me it wasn’t the latter.

 

Dear future me,

I dream that the future must be brighter

But my anxiety can’t help itself.

Its interest peaks

At the sound of my serenity

And makes sure it crushes

The mustard seed of hope

That I still have left in my heart.

Tell me, does a mustard seed really grow?

 

Do you have any kids?

Are they as fucked up as me

Because if they are,

It’s probably ‘cause

Of their daddy.

Did they get it from their old man?

You know, his insanity?

 

Dear older me,

I cry at night hoping

That you will become the person

That I want to actually be,

But damn this heart is heavy

With sorrows I would never envy

For, and burdens

That don’t deserve others’ pity.

Do they still pity you?

 

Pray that you finally found the hope

These people have been talking about for years?

Because I believe there is a heaven,

And I know its way better than what’s down here.

Sometimes I wish I could go there.

Are you still sometimes jealous of the dead?

 

Does your depression still get the best of you,

But you feel like you can’t say anything

Since you have to be the one that is big and strong,

Standing up for everyone?

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be a success story.

Just another victim who had fallen

To his vices,

And really it’s his fault.

Isn’t it?

 

Dear future me,

I just hope you’ve grown

And finally learned the lessons,

Hard way or not.

But could you please,

If you don’t mind,

Tell me how you did it?

I can’t take much more of my own failure.

Please tell me you found a way to make it better…

A way to make the problems

Go away…

Or are you the same?

Author's Note

Thank you for reading! I appreciate your support! Please leave me any feedback or comments. Feel free to link any of your writing, so I can read your work, too!

Reviews

[sedulous_mind]

So much pain put into these words. Again very heart-touching!! Self-reflection is a skill that not many people posses and it is the first step to becoming the person we want to be. Do not be afraid that you will pass on your emotions to your future children, much more you will provide them with the life you would have wished for yourself. You will show them how strong you are. The growing love will gradually replace the pain. It reminds me of the phrase: "Just because your past taps you on the shoulder, doesn't mean you have to look back."

[Ziggy Matthews]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate you reading my poetry. I'm glad you were able to feel the pain inside the language. I can struggle with portraying emotions in readers sometimes. Thanks again!

[Poetic Beauty]

There are many things we’d like to say to our older selves and wonder if we change and in what direction we will go. This has so many emotions and thoughts pour into. Great write

[Adrian X Fuentess]

"Maybe you’re still broken
Like a forgotten toy
Put up on the shelf
And everyone has fond
Memories of it,
But they never bring it up…"

I. AM. DEAD.
Those lines are a killer. My god did it hit hard!

[Ziggy Matthews]

Thank you for all of your reviews. I appreciate them a lot! I hope you're doing well!!!