Breaths Held In

A poem about childhood friends drifting apart, and the sadness that comes with growing up.

I remember the warm afternoons we spent

counting the seconds we could hold our breath

beneath the water’s cool surface,

in the shallow end.

We would rise up, gasping for air,

and you would smile at me,

showing all your teeth.

 

We’d run onto the deck,

dripping water on the backs

of sleeping sunbathers.

You would chase me to the playground,

and I would shriek and laugh

until we reached the sunset.

 

But, soon, cold breezes drifted

in from Lake Michigan,

chilling the summer air.

God’s dandruff fell from the sky

in soft flakes that covered the swings,

and you never came outside to play.

 

Now when I see you,

your smile is tight-lipped,

distant and artificial"

no teeth.

 

We both hold our breath

as we pass by.

Reviews

[gocubsgo25]

Hello Emily.

I found this poem to be quite a gem. I've recently lost a years-long friendship that was so close I knew everything about the person. This poem hit the right heartstrings, and resonated well with its emotional impact.

Usually I can't understand poetry, with its obtuse language and oblique metaphors. However, your form of prose poetry was very understandable, very comprehensible, without losing any allegorical meaning. The diction and choice of words was readable without being difficult, but also readable without being too simple. The perfect balance.

I noticed a marked difference in tone between the second and third stanzas, as there should have been, as you shifted from the friendship to the ensuing estrangement. The change in weather from sun to "God's dandruff" (great phrase, by the way) also helped that shift along.

As a slight criticism, I did feel that some more time could have been spent on both the strength of the friendship and the following bitterness/falling apart of the friendship. However, it doesn't detract much from this great piece.

Best of luck,

gocubsgo25

P.S. I'm a new member here, this being my first comment. Hope it was a suitable one.

[ImagineItAll]

This brings me back to a time when I had a best friend who I spent all of my time with for many, many years. Suddenly, her family moved and we rarely spoke again. So this means that your poem was brilliant and accomplished its goal. I like the way you described your friendship with this friend.