Prologue

The prologue of the story.

Hotel Isabella

Prologue: Check-In

All our times have come

Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain...we can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man...

 

Derek Atlas began sing along as his favorite song played through his car speakers.  He was scanning the road for his exit when he saw it sneaking up on his right.

“There you are!” Derek said as he pulled off the interstate and into the exit. Where was he going? Well, Derek had no real destination in mind as he pulled off the exit and into a traffic jam.

                “Oh, perfect! This is just what I needed!” He said as he hit his head on the wheel. Derek had never been fond of anything stopping him from going from point A to point B. This was no exception. He gazed out the window for any place he could stay. His girlfriend had just thrown him out, and he needed a place to rest his head. His eyes came to rest on a hotel in the distance. It looked nice enough, albeit a bit beat up. He was still stuck in an unmoving traffic jam from hell, and it didn’t show any signs of moving either. Derek was never a law breaker, but when you have just been thrown out of the house you paid for yourself, the law really isn’t a concern. After all, you have to look out for number one, right?

                Derek turned the steering wheel ever so slightly to the right, and then began to creep out behind the white line. He knew this would get him in so much trouble if he got caught, but he didn’t care. There was enough room to drive so that he wasn’t hugging the shoulder trying to avoid hitting any cars. He saw the bewildered looks of the other drivers as he slowly crept by. When he made it to the turn off ahead, he pulled into it, and headed towards the hotel.

                He smiled as he pulled into the parking space. Now that he was closer to the hotel, he could tell he was in for a treat. On the outside, everything was lavishly decorated. The windows were draped with flowing, deep red curtains. He got out of his car and looked up. There, standing perched on top of the building, were the words, “Hotel Isabella.”

                “Well, this certainly looks promising.” Derek said brightly.

He walked up to the hotel door, and pulled. The door swung open and he was greeted with a fancy doorbell that sounded like an organ playing. He was immediately approached by a man who appeared to come from behind the counter. He was wringing his hand together as if he was worried.

“Hello? We weren’t expecting visitors at a time like this. What can I help you with?”

Derek was puzzled by his comment about not expecting visitors. He turned and looked out this door to see broad daylight. Why would he not be expecting anyone? Derek then realized he had been asked a question.

“Oh! Um…I would like a room. Do you have any available?”

The man’s eyes widened and he began to wring his hands a little tighter.

“Y-You want a room? Are you sure?

“Sure I’m sure! That’s not a problem is it?”

The man began to step towards the counter.

“N-No! Not at all! We’d be happy to help anyone who should choose to stay here.” The man sounded genuinely afraid. He handed Derek the keys and led him to his room. Little did Derek know this would soon be one hell of a hotel visit…

Reviews

[Truly Ross-Wisehart]

This story is off to a fine start. I think you have covered the basics just enough to hook a reader in. What I have gleaned from your foreshadowing is that Derek's girl will come into play, that something awful has happened at this hotel, that Derek isn't from nearby or he would have been aware of exactly why he may not want to stay at this hotel, and that in the end..Derek will be a hero.

Now, do not give anything away. These are just my thoughts as the reader. I think the story, thus far, is neatly told. I do see a few minor grammar errors, but aside from that it is good. If I picked this up off of a shelf, I would check it out.
It has a bit of a Stephen King-like feel. It really could end up being a great story.

~True

[J.M. Barrett]

The title was enough to pull me in. There is something about it, I'm not sure what.

Just a small suggestion before I begin. It reads: Derek Atlas began sing along...
I'm not sure if I'm reading this wrong, but I think it would sound better if it read:
Derek Atlas began to sing along.... or Derek Atlas began singing along.

I really like your word choice. "He was scanning the road..." It gives the story a very crisp and "put together" feel to it. You used very nice descriptive words throughout the whole prologue.

Great dialogue! It really captured me and pulled me into the story. Very well crafted and very realistic. It made me want to read further and see what will happen next.

I really liked this as well:
Derek was puzzled by his comment about not expecting visitors. He turned and looked out this door to see broad daylight. Why would he not be expecting anyone? Derek then realized he had been asked a question.

It gives a natural "stream of consciousness" sort of feel.

Great job! I really enjoyed it and can't wait to read more.

[Moth Phoenix]

I love the start of this!!!!! =]
I want to read more!! :]
Keep me posted!!

[Jessica]

Good start :) I can't wait to see more.

[Devons]

Well, I had a look and had to read on after seeing the quote from Blue Oyster Cult !!! That is a class piece of rock music, and i think fits in with the horror mood you are attempting to (un)settle in this opening.
I like the idea of the Hotel Isabella (reminded somewhat of the mythical Hotel California!) and i think this prologue would have more 'pulling power' if you went into more detail about the hotel itself - for instance, its situation, its location, its surroundings, its appearance, its believability/unreality.. Derek just seems to get there and there is no description of either the hotel or his own deeper impression of it - whether it be foreboding or not.
I don't think there's much wrong exactly with what you've written so far, it's just a little bare. You could do with fleshing it out and bringing in a sense of unease early on.. (Don't Fear the Reaper being your cue!)

Hope this helps...

[zombiikillah666]

Its good...i really liked the "dont fear the reaper" Might be cause i love that song..or because i could just envision something evil and scary happening while that plays in the background... I think this is also written pretty darn good , especially sense i cant write a good story if my life depended on it..but i love books, and if i had a guess, i would say that this hotel is for vampires only....oooo..lol....