Phoenix

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. -- Isaiah 53:4

Phoenix

Blood and sweat,

Pain like a river,

Drowning in sin,

Earth’s life-giver,

See them as they mock,

Careless souls full of hate,

Fear fuels their shouts,

For death is all men’s fate,

Clouds shroud the sky,

The wind fades to still,

The crowd falls to hush,

He obeys His Father’s will,

Rising through the pain,

So that all below could hear it,

He quotes Psalm 22,

Then gives to God His spirit,

Heaven vents its rage,

The earth trembles and quakes,

For man has put to death,

The sacrifice for our sakes,

Curtain ripped in twain,

The end of sacrifice,

Set free all of those lambs,

Jesus paid the price,

They laid Him in a tomb,

To rot and decompose,

But it’s not the end,

On Sunday He arose,

See His hands and feet,

The spear wound in His side,

They watched Him talk and eat,

Those that knew He’d died,

The price had now been paid,

His work on Earth was done,

He ascended to the clouds,

Jesus, God’s own son,

But before He left them there,

He told them of the Day,

When all the earth would see,

He’d return in the same way,

The sky will be pealed back,

His hand will hold a sword,

That day all knees will bow,

At the coming of the Lord,

Yet those who know Him  now,

Will find that day quite fair,

As before He will return,

We’ll meet Him in the air,

The time is growing short,

And judgment draweth near,

But those who trust in Him,

Have nothing left to fear,

He died for all the world,

He gave His life to save,

He’ll draw His own to Him,

To life out of the grave

Reviews

[Dhaye]

My version of your first verse based on your words, Eddie...

"Oh, come see His blood and sweat,
The pain that flows like a river,
Men maybe drowning in great sin,
But saved by the earth’s life-giver"

Happy Easter!

[Eddie Davis]

I like that, Dhaye! Happy Easter to you too!

[Blue]

This has a cadence which gives the poem a sense of musicality, also a sense of formality and urgency. The first stanza has a different rhythm than the rest, though. I wonder if it's a special introduction?
"Pain like a river" is a metaphor I haven't heard of. I assume it means a pain where it's constantly flowing? Though I like its uniqueness, I think a more powerful metaphor is better. I'm not sure. I also noticed that in the first few stanzas, you used present tense but in the succeeding ones, you used past. I understand some transition but there are lines which called for a consistent tense. In "Those that knew He’d died", I suggest changing 'that' to 'who'. 'Draweth' seems not to belong in the dominant mode of language used.

I'm glad that you continued to write in lengthy poems, Eddie. However, I noticed that compared to your previous long poems where there's a fluid flow of thoughts, this poem seems fragmented. I'm starting to think you have been influenced by the style of senryus (because you've been writing more of that as of late). Anyway, that's just a feeling.

"Phoenix" is a nice title--an apt symbolism of resurrection. But it gives me an impression that the poem has a fantasy theme. If given a chance, I'll choose a title that points to resurrection in a religious way. I don't know if I'm making sense here.

Sorry if what I said most is negative. I know how it feels to receive insincere compliments and sugarcoated reviews so I'm avoiding that zone. (I just had a disappointing conversation with someone who accused me of not being honest about the review I gave him.)

[Eddie Davis]

Thanks, Blue, don't feel bad about being truthful. To be honest, this was a rather quickly done poem, and I really don't consider myself to be poetically inclined, so certainly your comments are justified. I may try to tweak it some.

[Rachelle]

And though we are unworthy
For such a precious gift
We offer in humility
Our lives which He uplifts.

Our souls in all eternity
To be reunited and fulfilled
Must do away with all the earthly
And succumb to His loving will.

Kudos, Eddie. Let His light shine through you!

[Eddie Davis]

Wow, your two lines were well done! Impressive!

[Rachelle]

nothing compared to yours which is the source of inspiration for the response….