Shirley’s Blind Date
By Janyce Helen Van Es
Characters:
Shirley: A middle-aged fifty-eight year old short heavy woman
Martha: Shirley’s sister who is a tall, thin and forty-seven years old
Bill: An attractive twenty-eight year old man
Sophie: A young college girl located in the audience
Joey: A young college student who is a friend of Bill’s
Umpire : man with loud voice in the audience
Man in a baseball suit that runs across the stage with a caught fly ball in his gloved hand in Act 111
Audience participation in Act 111
Props:
Divider Screen made from opaque material (can be plastic) to see a figure behind it dimly.
A dressing table with the mirror removed, the back facing the audience.
Light placed against the wall behind the screen
Battery operated electric shaver
Hand held hair dryer
Sink behind screen
Chest of drawers
Table and three chairs
Tea set for three
One long thin bright pink wig
One long thin black wig
Clothing to fit the play including a baseball uniform, baseball glove and baseball
Act 1
(Shirley and her younger sister Martha share a small Dallas efficiency apartment with an open floor plan. There is a large screen between the bedroom and the kitchen area to make the rooms separate from each other. A large mirror hangs on one wall with a small dressing table for their makeup and hair accessories. Shirley who is fifteen years older, has been a widow for five years and is quite lonely. Martha has invited a young gentleman coworker from the sewing factory to go with Shirley to a College baseball game. The two middle-aged women are getting ready for the date. Three large T-bone steaks are on the drain board thawing. Martha spent her meager savings on some Texas size steaks for dinner after the game. In act 1, the women take turns applying makeup and fixing their hair, facing the audience as if looking into a mirror)
Shirley
Well, do you like my hair down or up?
(She takes her thin, long, gray hair and wads it up, placing it on the top of her head)
Martha
Well, it always looked best in braids if you ask me.
Shirley
I can’t wear braids at fifty-seven years of age! What will he think? That I am trying to look a lot younger? Women my age mostly have short hair. I just hate to part with my long, silky hair!
Martha
Well, it is long, but hardly silky! Why, since it started turning gray, it has become course and brittle, like a stray dog’s. Besides, it used to be thick! It is falling out faster than a cat shedding fur in the summer lately, and you can see a distinct bald spot in the middle of your crown!
Shirley
No! My hair is still attractive! Maybe I should put it on top of my head though if you think it is a bit thin.
(She takes her long thin hair and twists it around and makes a spiral from the bottom to the top, pinning the bulk of the hair on top, covering the bald spot then walking into the bathroom and pulls out a store-bought box of hair dye)
Martha
See, when your hair is short like mine, you don’t have to worry with it much. I just comb it back and put spray net on it and it just stays the same all day. What are you going to do with that?
Shirley
But your hair is cropped short and there is really nothing else you can do! It makes you look even taller than you are. Now, I am so short that if I wear my hair up, I look taller and if I wear my hair down, I look shorter. I am going to put some color on my hair so I can cover up the gray. Do you think I will look better as a redhead?
Martha
Red? I don’t know! I never saw you with red hair. Do you know what you are doing… I mean, about the hair dye? Well then, do what you want, but you do need to wear your hair up because Bill is rather tall.
Shirley
You fixed me up with a real tall man when you knew that I am self conscious of my short stature?
Martha
Well Sis, he is the only single man in my department! How many men work in a sewing factory anyway? He is an excellent buttonholer. He can make perfect buttonholes and is quick about it. His long thin fingers can take that exact-o knife and slit that buttonhole open and not touch a thread around it! I just sat and watched him the first day he was there; I was so amazed. And the buttons fit perfectly! You don’t have to fight to get it through the hole; it just slides in there so smoothly and gentle and doesn’t pop out!
Shirley
(From behind the screen, Shirley is pulling out the contents of the box and mixing up the dye. The audience can hear water running and sees she is bent over a sink, rinsing out the excess dye. Then the audience sees that she has a hand held hair dryer and is using it while talking loudly to her sister.)
You make that job seem erotic, Martha! Sitting and watching a man slice holes in material all day. Aren’t you supposed to be sewing or something? Doesn’t your supervisor watch you to see if you are working?
Martha
Yes, he does but the day Bill walked in the room and sat down at the machine next to mine, the supervisor was at a business meeting discussing the advantages of having a foot pedal and the disadvantages of using your knee to make the machine work.
Shirley
What about my eyes? Do you think I should wear eye makeup and not wear my glasses? I can see distances and that is what’s important at a baseball game, isn’t it? He may not want to date a woman with glasses.
Martha
(Martha is now looking in her closet for something appropriate to wear. She stands in front of a full length mirror, pulls out a big checkered summer blouse and holds it up against her tall thin body)
Glasses? He may not like redheads. You are really doing it! You are putting that stuff on your hair! Does this blouse make me look a little larger on top? The large print is supposed to make you look bigger.
Shirley
Why? Why do you have to look bigger? Stuff your bra with tissue paper! You have done that for years, anyway! Where are you going?
Martha
With you and Bill to the baseball game!
Shirley
What? You are going on my date with me? What are you? My father?
Martha
Don’t be silly! Daddy only went with you on one date! I just thought it would be nice to go to the game. I had three tickets.
Shirley
Not four? Bill isn’t bringing a friend for you?
(she comes out from behind the screen and her hair is bright pink)
Martha
I didn’t ask him to because there were only three tickets and they are assigned seats, together. My God! Are you looking in the mirror at what has happened to your hair?
Shirley
I thought this was a date for me! Not a date for US! So that is why you are looking in the closet for something to make you look bigger on top! Just forget it! I was the one endowed with the large breasts! I am sure he will notice me more because I don’t have to stuff my underwear to look bigger!
Oh hell! I can’t go looking like this! I thought red would be pretty! I have some other dye in the closet that I bought last year. It is really dark but will be better than pink!
(Shirley goes behind the screen and the audience can see her repeating the procedure all over again.)
Martha
(Looking in the mirror as she stuffs tissue paper into her bra making her breasts look larger. She pulls out two or three more blouses to see if they are more sexually appealing. While Shirley is working with her hair, Martha is trying on different pairs of shorts to see which ones make her look better.
She takes out her electric shaver and starts shaving the hair off her legs)
No, you have to tuck your fat into small elastic bands to smash the flab together so you can hide it! Your bottom is so wide you have to sit on two seats to be comfortable! If you didn’t eat like a bear, you would look pretty good for a woman your age. I hardly eat anything because I want to keep my trim figure.
Shirley
(Speaking louder now as she dries her hair again from behind the screen)
We are sitting on bleachers aren’t we, not individual seats? That reminds me, I just bought a new panty girdle that I haven’t worn yet. That should make my behind look trimmer!
Martha
(Martha watches her sister through an opaque screen tying her hair up and squeezing into a small girdle. She is pulling up her elastic waistband which is very tight and pulls up the jeans over the girdle. Shirley comes from behind the screen with her belly mashed in but skin is hanging over the top of the girdle and fat is creeping out of the bottom where it stops on her leg. It is quite visible)
That won’t work!. You still look fat!. I think you have bright pink all over your pants; it must have dripped on them while you were fooling with that dye. Better try to wash it out before it sets if it hasn‘t already!
Shirley
(She tucks the fat into the elastic girdle)
Well? Some improvement, eh? No more overhang! And, I can fit into my pants better!
Martha
You can still see it! If I can see it, so will your date!
Shirley
I am wearing a bulky sweatshirt!
Martha
(laughing)
It is one hundred degrees outside! You will burn up!
(Martha watches her sister go behind the screen and take some roll on deodorant and put it all over her body, even struggling to roll it on the back of her neck and back)
Shirley
(Comes out from behind the screen bushing her black bushy hair)
I’ve got it covered! I think I won’t wear my glasses. Maybe I will wear sunglasses since we will be outside.
Martha
(Watching her sister brush out her hair onto the floor)
What have you done, Shirley! Your hair is breaking off! You put too many chemicals on it!
Shirley
Oh hell! What am I going to do? Now, I will have to cut it! Help me Martha!
Martha
(Martha grabs an old towel from under the kitchen sink and wraps it around her sister’s neck. She picks up a scissors and a comb. As she looks closer, the hair is damaged all the way to the scalp)
Look Shirley, lets not make any radical changes right now! Why don’t you just wrap a bandana around your hair, like you are trying to keep it out of your eyes and off your neck! That will look okay; I have one here that will go with that sweatshirt. I recommend that you don’t wear anything so hot. What are you going to do with those slabs of meat on the counter?
Shirley
I am cooking the steaks remember? You said that it would impress him if he knew I was a good cook! Men like steak and potatoes, don’t they? Well, at least daddy did! Freddy did too, didn’t he? I will have to take off the sunglasses and it would be better to have eye makeup on after the game. I am wearing the sweatshirt to hide the fat!
Martha
(Martha goes behind the dressing screen and puts on the big checked blouse and squeezes into her tightest shorts, struggling to pull the pants together to zip. She is hoping around to pull together the tight pants and Shirley is watching her, beginning to get angry)
Shirley
She takes the bandana and wraps it around her thin, brittle black hair.
So, you just want to go to the game to see the game! You are acting just like you used to. Bill is like Freddy!
Martha
Bill is nothing like Freddy! Freddy was almost completely bald and short and fat! Bill is tall and thin, with beautiful dark, wavy hair and strong arms and a great eye for buttonholes!
Shirley
Stocky! The word is stocky! And he had a lot of hair when I met him!
Martha
And he pulled it all out, living with you for twenty-one years!
Shirley
No! His father was bald! He inherited his bald head from his father! Anyway, I meant that it’s like it used to be with Freddy! I was married to him and you used to find every excuse in the book to come over at dinnertime or in the evening to watch television. You used to hang out here all the time like you were sharing my husband!
Martha
Well, I didn’t have a husband of my own and he was pleasant and kind and acted like he liked me.
Shirley
(She is already beginning to perspire from the hot shirt)
He tolerated you because you were my sister!
Martha
I am still your sister!
Shirley
But that didn’t give you a reason to hang around us every day for twenty-one years! Why didn’t you marry a man of your own?
Martha
(Martha is putting on long false eyelashes and applying her makeup as she speaks)
I didn’t hang out every day! I had a life!
Well, you know how shy I am around men and I never really had anything to say to them. I was always so tall that most of the men I met, that I did like, were short as you are and that made them feel uncomfortable with me. I didn’t like looking down like I was on the second floor to see a man’s eyes anyway. You haven’t been taller than men before and had to dance with someone shorter than you. Then, if one actually wanted to kiss me, I would have to bend over and strain my neck. I strain my neck a lot with the sewing machine. They don’t make sewing tables for tall women and I have to bend over to thread the needle and sometimes it really hurts my neck! And, the seam ripper! If I have to rip out a seam, I have a long way to bend to make sure I get all the thread!
Shirley
(Looking in the mirror and adjusting her head wrap while talking)
Okay, okay! I get the point! The point is that you are so tall and skinny, no man ever asked you out! So, you decided to share my man for twenty years although you said yourself that he was short, fat and bald! But, he was my man and not yours and we could have been much happier if you weren’t barging in day after day!
Martha
If you were both so happy, how come you never had any children?
Shirley
Martha, you have to be alone in bed with a man to have children or didn’t anyone ever tell you that? You even came into our bedroom at night cause you had insomnia, remember? Then, you had a bad dream, or there was a tornado in the neighborhood! You would just come and plop your skinny little rump into our bed when we had worked all day and wanted some …
Martha
It wasn’t every night! I was scared and lonely after mother died. I was a little girl, remember? Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you just tell me to leave?
Shirley
Because you were so whiney and blubbery and Freddy felt so sorry for you since you were alone and he said we should give you a little company since you were by yourself and lonely and…scared.
Martha
Really! I thought he liked me coming into your room at night and telling y’all the stories about school and In and in the winter when it was so cold, both of you didn’t say anything when I got under the covers and cuddled up to keep warm!
Shirley
You were a kid when you started that and I didn’t work anywhere! You started it when you were a small child and Freddy and I had just gotten married. We didn’t have a place of our own and daddy had left me in charge of you! You just kept on doing it and Freddy didn’t have the heart to tell you that you couldn’t come into the bedroom anymore. When he told you on our wedding night you couldn’t come in, we both heard you crying so loud down the hall that we couldn’t even consummate our marriage without feeling guilty!
Martha
So, for twenty-one years, you hated me!
Shirley
(putting on a lot of blue eye shadow)
No, I didn’t hate you and I don’t hate you now but don’t you think that if you fixed me up with Bill to go to the baseball game, that you don’t need to be there with us?
Martha (starting to cry)
I just thought it would be nice to be with you and Bill since he works with me and you don’t know him and maybe he is a little shy, too. And, it would be silly to fix you up with a shy man who doesn’t talk to strangers and he would feel comfortable with me cause he sits next to me every day and he wouldn’t think of me as a stranger.
Shirley
You really like Bill, don’t you? Why didn’t you ask him to go with you to the game? Oh, let me guess! You told him that I was a widow and was very lonely and having a man go to the game with me would cheer me up, when it is you that needs cheering up and it is you that is lonely!
Martha
Well, I never!
Shirley
( she is applying heavy eyeliner around her eyes)
That’s it in a nutshell! You never! You have never had your own guy and you want mine today, too! It is just like you wanted Freddy and now that Freddy is dead, you want Bill! Well, you fixed me up with Bill and I am going to be Bill’s date and if you have to come along because you made sure there were three tickets or should I say, you bought more than two tickets because you were lonely and wanted our company for the day! I guess one date won’t hurt. But, if he asks me out again, then you don’t go out on that date, understand?
Martha
Ask you out again? He never asked you out in the first place! Remember that! I got you this date! You should reward me since you haven’t been on a date in the five years since Freddy died! Remember that too!
Act 11
(Both women are now fully dressed; Shirley is wearing a lot of gaudy makeup, having to squint her eyes without her glasses; her black hair is pulled high and tight on top of her head, her panty girdle, which she keeps pulling up over her large overhanging stomach, is making her itch and she is getting raw from scratching. Her large gray sweat- shirt is making her hot and uncomfortable regardless of her deodorant. She is wearing tight jeans to cover the long panty girdle and the fat bulges can be seen on the outside. she has on white socks with white sneakers.
Martha is wearing her white hair short behind her ears, has very little makeup on, has on her large, sleeveless print blue and white checkered blouse, hanging outside her white shorts, making her legs look extra long and is wearing sneakers without socks. She has put tissue paper into her bra cup and some of it is poking out where her blouse is open on topThere is a knock on the door and both women bolt to grab the doorknob. Shirley lets Martha open the door. There is a rather young, tall, handsome man standing there, wearing a white Polo shirt, white shorts and white sneakers. He has a big smile on his face and looks straight at Martha’s eyes.
Bill
So this is where you live, Marty! My God, woman, what did you do to your hair?
Shirley
Marty?
Martha
Covered the gray, that’s all.
Well, it’s small but we like it. Not much to clean! It’s not expensive for two working women. Come in, will you?
Bill
And this is?
Martha
This is my sister, Shirley! The one I was telling you about? She is a professional babysitter. Well, she doesn’t sit with babies; she sits with the elderly. You know, the ones that can’t help themselves in the bathroom or feed themselves?
Shirley
And just what were you telling him about me? Is that what you told him about me? …that I wipe old people’s bottoms and feed them with a spoon?
Bill
Not in that order, I hope! (laughs)
Pleased to meet you Shirley! Can I call you Shirl? I just love nicknames, don’t you? I don’t particularly like my name, William. Billy is what my friends call me. My mother used to call me Willy but I never quite got used to that, especially after the movies about that whale named Willy. Did you see that? An amazing movie! Well, several movies! They just kept making them and I just kept paying to see them!
Martha
Bill, we still have some time before we need to go. Would you like some coffee or tea? I have some imported teas that haven’t even been opened up yet!
Bill
No dear, but I will take a beer if you have it!
Shirley
Not to be rude, but we don’t drink beer so we never buy it. We have some cooking wine though. Would you like some of that?
Bill
Shirl, don’t trouble yourself; tea would be great!
(Shirley goes to the side of the room where the kitchenette is located and puts on a kettle of water and takes out three cups and saucers, several tea tins and some lemon and cream. She takes the bloody meat and puts it on a tray in the refrigerator)
Martha
So, are we getting the foot pedals? I just hate using my knee at work all day! I come home and my knee just doesn’t want to hold up the top of my leg anymore.
Bill
(looking down at Martha’s bony knee, he notices a knot on one side where she uses the lever for the sewing machine)
Well, you know that really doesn’t concern me since I don’t actually do any sewing. Now, if I had to cut the buttonholes with a butter knife and they were negotiating for a razor, that would concern me. First off, a butter knife would make a jagged line and the razor would be very dangerous! The exacto knife is just perfect because it has a long slender handle and a protective edge to keep me from cutting myself. I take pride in my straight lines and know that our supervisor admires my buttonholes. Perfection! That’s what I like, perfection! What do you think of my holes, Marty? Aren’t they just perfect?
Martha
Oh yes! I noticed that right away! You absolutely make the best holes ever! I couldn’t do that well if I had your job. I just try to do the stitching straight so you can cut the holes.
Shirley
(Coming in with the teas and cups on a large tray, sets it down on a small square table and they pull up ottomans to sit on around the table).
Bill
Now isn’t this cozy! Hot tea with lemon, sugar and cream! I only thought they did this in the movies.
(He picks up a tweezers and picks out two small sugar cubes to plop in his cup that Shirley has supplied him with)
Martha
I am hoping that we can change the color of the material soon. Black silk is really dark for summer, don’t you think?
Bill
We are working on the fall line. You think black is bad to sew? How about cutting a perfect straight line through your stitching on black material with black thread using a tiny little blade? That is a challenge!
Shirley
I don’t want to interrupt anything but do you know where the baseball diamond is? I have never been there and Martha bought the tickets!
Bill
Oh, definitely! I thought she asked me to the game because she knew I took classes at the community college at night! I have friends that are in my classes there, on campus! I see them occasionally, when I am not engaged in manipulating black holes in men’s suits. That’s why Marty sees me fly out of the factory when they blow the whistle!
Martha
( laughing ) I just love the way you express yourself! You have such wit and charm! Why aren’t you married?
Bill
( laughing )
Maybe it’s against the law?
(They all laugh and Bill looks at his watch)
Shirley
You are right Bill! It is getting later as we speak. Mar-ty, did you put up the food so it wouldn’t spoil? Bill, I am sorry that Martha had only three tickets. If we had had four, you could have invited one of your college friends to join us!
Bill
Oh, that’s okay! Since they are living on campus, they get their tickets at the school. We may see someone I know at the game. I have my car outside so let’s go before the tea makes me run, just kidding, so we don’t have to push our way through a mob of people on the bleachers.
(Shirley excuses herself to go to the bathroom and adjusts her girdle, which is really getting uncomfortable, riding up at the waist and on her thighs. Martha comes back from the kitchenette after moping up the blood on the counter and sits quite close to Bill)
Martha
I hope we have a great time at the game, Bill. If we do, maybe we can do it again sometime, I mean, we three.
Bill
Lovely! Act 111
Audience participation:
A narrator comes onto the stage to explain what the audience needs to do in this final act. He has a group of signs under his arm and explains to the audience that when he holds up a sign, they have to make a noise according to what the sign tells them.
(The actors are at the baseball game and sitting on bleachers facing the audience. They are watching the audience as if the people in the audience are the baseball teams and are located on the baseball diamond)
Umpire
STRIKE – TWO!
Audience :(according to the sign)
Booooooooooooooooo
(Martha, Bill and Shirley are sitting in the middle of the bleachers, wedged between a lot of young men and women from the college)
Bill
(standing up and waving madly)
Hi Sophie? Exciting first inning, isn’t it!
(Sophie is in the audience waving back)
Shirley
(wiping the sweat off her brow)
So, who is Sophie?
Bill
She is in my weaving class. So talented! You should see some of her work!
Martha
(subconsciously stuffing the toilet paper down into her bra)
You are taking a weaving class here?
Bill
(slicking back his eyebrows with spit on his fingers)
Textiles! I am learning about textiles. Did you know that India has the most unique textiles in the world and were selling beautiful material to all of the civilized countries of the world before America was settled?
Martha
Didn’t know that. What else are you taking?
Bill
A class on Humanities.
Shirley
(rising from her place, she is dripping with perspiration)
Excuse me. I need to find the bathroom.
(she climbs down and leaves the scene)
Umpire FOUL BALL!
Audience (according to the sign):
oooooooooooooh!
Martha
So, you work full time and also go to school. That’s interesting!
Bill
(standing up and waving, again)
Hi Joey, would you care to join us or is Danny here?
Joey
(Joey is a short youth, in his late teens with blond hair, ,wearing a white T-shirt and light blue shorts; he is wearing sandals.)
No, Danny couldn’t make it! He has a test on Monday. Sure, I would love to join you. Are you alone?
Umpire
Ball Two!
Audience (according to sign)
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Martha
(listens to the conversation and is glad to have another man joining the party of three)
Well! Now we are a foursome!
Bill
Ha, well, yes I guess you could say that. Joey, this is a friend of mine from work and she and her sister invited me to come today! Isn’t that thoughtful of them?
Joey
(looking real close, right into Martha’s eyes)
That’s just peachy dear! Bill is a favorite here! So smart about the sewing industry, you know. Everyone loves to see his designs and creations!
Martha
Designs and creations? You design and create things also? When do you have the time?
Bill
I find time! I just have to cut out the clubbing and the parties, that’s all.
Umpire
STRIKE THREE! YOUR OUT!
Audience (according to sign)
Booooooooooooooooo
Shirley
(Returns to the bleachers with her jeans cut short, the sleeves cut off her sweatshirt and her panty girdle wadded up in a ball under her arm)
Just couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to get this thing off me.
(sadly looking at Martha)
He would have found out my secret anyway!
Umpire
FOUL BALL!
Audience (according to sign)
nooooooooooooooooo
Bill
(looking at her bundle)
What’s that dear?
Shirley
Nothing Bill, just something between Martha and I, that’s all.
Martha
Bill here is a very busy person! With his job and his classes, he is also a designer and creator of things. I guess you don’t have much time to date, huh?
Bill
Well, I do date a little, don’t I Joey? Oh, Shirley, this is Joey! Classmate of mine!
Shirley
(looks at his right ear and notices an earring)
Hi Joey!
A man in a baseball suit runs across the stage with a baseball glove on his right hand, holding a ball
Crowd
(watching a fly ball that is caught by an outfielder)
Audience (according to sign)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Umpire
STRIKE ONE!
Martha
Bill, after the game would you and Joey like to come to our apartment to eat some dinner? We have steaks thawed out!
Joey
Oh dear, Billy, you didn’t tell them?
Bill
I’m sorry, sweetie, I don’t eat anything that has had parents.
Umpire
STRIKE TWO!
Audience (according to sign)
Booooooooooooooooo
Shirley
(starts laughing)
You are a vegetarian?
Bill
Completely!
Umpire BALL ONE!
Audience (according to sign) oooooooooooooooooooh
Shirley
Is there anything else we should know about you?
Umpire:
BALL TWO!
Bill
I’m gay!
Umpire
STRIKE THREE! YOUR OUT!
Audience (according to sign)
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(The two sisters look at each other and, delighted and somewhat relieved, start laughing)
The End
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