edit version. The story that started "Forever & Always Will I Love You"
Jamie
"Jamie! Are you
coming," Aaron smiled offering his hand, "Or am I going to have to
drag you?" Instead of taking his hand like I wanted to, I frowned and
turned away. I wasn't going to take his hand. He wasn't the boss of me. He
acted like he was the boss of me ever since we were little "Jamie
please," he begged.
"I don't want to go." I complained while he walked over to me.
"And why not?" He asked with a killer smile, which would usually make
me give in, "Is it because you're afraid of ditching gym?" He
teased while I stuck out me tongue. "Oh," he sighed laughing softly,
"Is it because you want to hang around Damian? You still got a crush on
him?" He half smiled while shaking his head in disappointment. I hated
when he said things like that. I hated when he insisted I liked his brother. I
don't. I don't.
"Please, like I'd ever fall for your brother," I rolled my eyes and
said honestly and annoyed. Damian was Aaron's twin brother. Even though Damian
has the most amazing ocean eyes followed by his blonde hair, I couldn't ever
have any feelings for him... Why? Because I had feelings for Damian's stupid
brother who didn't get that. Damian was also the first born and most favorite
by his parents and peers, even though his parents assured Aaron they are both
equally loved.
"You use to," he insinuated.
"No I didn't" I objected.
"Yeah huh," he insisted.
"Nu uh," Don't push it, I wanted to say, but Aaron cut me off.
"Yeah huh," Just like when we were five. I've know Aaron for 11 years
and still he doesn't get it. "Please come." he begged with puppy dog
eyes and his hands cuffed together.
"Fine, if I go it's your treat."
"As always," So I finally took his hand. There is always some kind of
spark while I'm around him... I just wonder if he feels it too.
He pulled me to the back of the school where we left from between the back
gates, which are usually open for teachers who get lunch somewhere else. I
don't blame them. Even if I wasn't a vegetarian I wouldn't take a bite.
Where were we headed? A couple of blocks away to the lake where we'd go all the
time as kids. Then if we still had time or didn't feel like attending to the
next class, we'd catch a movie, but never have enough time to stay for the
ending. And I didn't care, as long as I was with him...
Aaron
I knew she didn't
like Damian; it was a stupid question to ask, especially since I know she hates
me asking. One of these day's I'm really going to piss her off... But I
couldn't help it. I'm always living as the shadows of my brother, like I'm not
even real anymore. Sometimes I feel like it's only a matter of time where
she'll get sick of me and go for Damian, just like everyone else.
Her hand was still in mine, just the way I liked it, just the way she liked it
too. Sometimes I hated her for hanging around me. I feel like I'm keeping her
from so much more... more friends, more options. But I was selfish, and didn't
care, and she didn't seem to mind.
Jamie
"This isn't the
way we usually go," I said while pushing my bangs way from my eyes. He
smiled and continues walking, like I didn't say a word. We were in James’s Park
Lake but this time we were headed a different direction.
He stayed quiet leaving me to my thoughts as I was leaving him to his.
I trusted him but
still wondered. Focus. What was different other then the direction?
Concentrate. I told myself, but I couldn't. My thought's where about him.
Before I could figure
things out on my own, I saw the sign. "Welcome to James’ Park
Garden." I wanted to ask him what we were doing here but decided to enjoy
to moment.
He smiled at me. I don’t know what anyone can’t see... I see somebody worth while...
I loved the way he'd speak as if nobody else was around, and the way he'd hang
around me, the way we touched. His jet black hair (which use to be
brown) down to the bottom of his neck, green eyes, and his loving
smile, was just a bonus.
Aaron
She likes it. I could
tell. "So do you like it?" I asked just to hear her voice again.
"It's beautiful Aaron," she smiled and gave me a hug... To be honest
I liked the way she fit into my arms and my chest.
We sat down a couple of feet away from the bridge just to sit for a
while. "Now I don't mean to kill the moment... but why did you take
me here." I wanted to answer but I didn't know the answer myself. She
frowned, "just killed the moment... huh?"
"No, I just don't know... I felt like it."
"Hm." she replied... looking doubtful. Ugh. I just ruined the moment.
"No you didn't," she said reading my thoughts.
"Huh?" I asked confused. I was pretty sure I didn't say that out
loud.
"You didn't kill the moment..." she gave me a smile. KISS HER YOU
IDIOT. I yelled at myself... but didn't. I resisted.
"Want to go see the garden?" She nodded and I helped her up. My best friend
since I was five, the only girl who didn't hang out with me just to get to know
my brother, the only girl who I can be myself around without having to worry.
We crossed the bridge while talking about some new coming Batman comic we both
wanted to read, and the ultimate X-Man series. I liked that we argued about
Pollock and Dali when talking about art, how strong she felt about Jackson
Pollock. I liked when she talked about the books she loves to read and what she
wants to read... Just everything about her...
While she bended over to smell the roses I decided to join her, her face next
to mine. When she started rising I... brushed her check... I took a steep...
and ... a-and...
Jamie
He's touching me,
gently. I'm not so sure, what do I do? It's pulling me forward. And I could see
what he's trying to do too, I can't let this moment pass, I can't, so I let our
lips touch. Aaron's leaving my breath... less
Aaron
She kissed me, she
wants more? I must be doing something right. I want more, so I kiss her back
again.
Jamie
He's kissing me
back... or am I dreaming again. Am I really up in the clouds once again? No I'm
not. One of his hands is right on my check and the other? Is on my waist? How
the hell do I know what I'm doing...? Everything feels so right, so magical. I
love it. Soft lips are what I can taste, and I feel his hair between my
fingers. I c-can't believe it. It's just our lips touching... until... u-until.
Aaron
Her arms were wrapped
around my neck. I slipped my tongue in softly. Her soft hands moving down to my
waist and my arms moving up to her face, to hold her. I pulled some hair away from
her eyes even thought they were still closed. Finally I pulled away
letting us both breathe, I studied her face. She was smiling, so I did too,
still not sure what the effect was going to be.
Jamie
He pulled away from
me and that was okay. He left me breathless. I looked at his eyes and smiled. I
didn't frown until I saw his smile fade. Why are you fading? No keep on smiling
please?
Aaron
I. Liked. It. More
that I should have had.
She's waiting for me
to say something... "Um..." Oh 'smooth' Aaron.
"Um." she replied.
"I. uh. got. to go." I blurred out.
"W-what?" she asked so innocently. No, Jamie, don't be mad at me... I
just need time to think... I wanted to say so badly. "Y-you're just
leaving?"
I started to walk; I didn't want to talk anymore... what was wrong with me? Why
was I being such an Idiot? She's suppose to me my best friend, and I was
letting her down, but I'm lost right now, confused.
I looked back one last time; she just stared at the ground, looking down, like
she was about to tear up. Oh beloved, don't be hurt, don't cry. WHY AM I SO STUPID?
I started running by then.
Jamie.
He's. Just.
Leaving-g. Me. Here Alone... He's. Just. Leaving. Me. Here Alone? I want to
feel so angry, but I'm not. Instead, I'm choking up, I'm about to cry.
Why are you doing this to me, Aaron? Why don't you just talk to me, Aaron?
The. Next. Day.
Jamie
I watched him walk to
his class room just before homeroom, and I meant to confront him, but I just
couldn't. I couldn't
Aaron
I shared History with
her. And of course, just my luck, guess who isn't working in partners today. We
were surprised with some kind of presentation. All I knew was I needed to talk
to her, urgently.
Jamie
It's lunch time, and
my two best friends are sick, just my luck. Aaron's walking over here, but I
don't want to listen, "Listen, Jamie, we need to talk." I look at him
and walk away, there's nothing to talk about, but of course he stops me.
"Okay, what is there to talk about?" I frowned, stupid question,
there was so much to talk about!
"How about what happened yesterday?"He said.
"I get it, it never happened. I'm way over my head. You don't like
me. We're just friends. I GET it okay? I'm not what you're looking for, and I'm
not good enough."
Aaron
I wish she didn't say
that. From the look of her eyes, I could tell she cried just a bit last night,
too. I wish she hadn't. I really do. If only I wasn't the cause of those tears.
I feel like I'm in hell whenever she's hurt, and like the demon whenever it's
me who hurts her.
Jamie
"Stop," he
said looking away.
"Stop what?"
"You know what," he sighed. "Jamie, you're not what I'm looking
for--" before he could continue insulting and humiliating me I turned
around and started walking. Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so much
better.
"Stop, you didn't let me finish;" He ran in front of me and shook his
head.
"What you said was enough." I threw my arms up.
"No, it isn't. Now, for what I was going to say: Jamie, you're not what
I'm looking for, you're more than what I'm looking for." Was this really
Aaron saying this, or just me dreaming again? "Jamie, I've known you for
years and years, you've been my best friend ever since I can remember, you've
made me a better person, and you've showed me that there is somebody who
cares." By this time everybody was looking, including a few teachers, but
I didn't care. I liked what I heard. "And what happened yesterday- I was
scared, okay? I didn't want to ruin our friendship, I still really don't
but-" I watched his eyes leave from mine to the ground. "We both know
we're more than two best friends..." he was smiling now and so was I,
"I've been fallen for you since we've met. Can you forgive me?"
Aaron
"..." She
said nothing and I was beginning to worry. Please Jamie, oh please forgive me.
She nodded her head. Did she nod her head, or was I just hopping too much? NO,
she nodded and finally said, "yes, I'll forgive you." I hugged her,
while I heard the crowd cheer, then finally kissed her. Our lips met again. The
crowd disappears, and finally we're alone. I let go to breath and held her
hand.
"Thank you, Jamie" I whisper in her ear. Thank you.
That's great! I have to disagree with Taylor Moore because the pov change had me going all the way through. It's very rare that you get to know both sides of a story at the same time so I loved it. Especially when it was Jamie's pov and she said "It's just our lips touching... until... u-until." and all of a sudden we were in Aaron's point of view - Great cliff hanger. It it were a book I would have ripped the page trying to see what happened next. Great Job!
PS - Boys are so stupid and irresistable! Gotta love 'em
ello Liz! my critiquing style is line-by-line, and at times I can be harsh. my word for it is brutally honest, so keep in mind that i'm really not trying to hurt anyone's feelings :) if i feel one way about something, i'll make my feelings known. skimming over your story, i doubt that side of my critic will come out, but it's always good to give a disclaimer :)
"Jamie! Are you coming," Aaron smiled offering his hand, "Or am I going to have to drag you?"
don't capitalize the o in "Or am I going to..." since you're not starting a new sentence, but rather continuing with "Are you coming,"
"Instead of taking his hand like I wanted to, I frowned and turned away. I wasn't going to take his hand. He wasn't the boss of me."
this reads great! no problems here
"He acted like he was the boss of me ever since we were little "Jamie please," he begged."
how i'd write this:
He has acted like he's the boss of me ever since we were little, when...
separate "Jamie please" with the previous line.
"I don't want to go." I complained while he walked over to me.
nope:
"I don't want to go," I whined, even as he began walking to me.
biggest problem i see so far is past tense/present tense confusion. this isn't a big problem AT ALL... you'll get better with time :)
"He teased while I stuck out me tongue."
lol, stuck out my tongue? did your character suddenly become Scottish?
those two I don't 's seem very... unnecessary. cut one.
here comes the next big problem: you're telling so much of what's going on, while your dialog is SHOWING what's going on.
"Please, like I'd ever fall for your brother," I rolled my eyes and said honestly and annoyed.
the dialog and the "I rolled my eyes" is great, but the rest is self-explanatory by the text. cut out everything after rolled my eyes.
"Damian was Aaron's twin brother."
again, something the reader has found out already. you've already told us they are brothers. them being twins is not important and only clogs the flow of the story.
"most amazing ocean eyes followed by his blonde hair,"
techincally, eyes are followed by the brain. you mean eyes topped by his blonde hair
switch that comma at the end to a period.
"Because I had feelings for Damian's stupid brother who didn't get that. Damian was also the first born and most favorite by his parents and peers, even though his parents assured Aaron they are both equally loved."
my reaction to all of this: who cares? this isn't story, this is dumping information. i say, delete all of this and let's get to a real story. so far, there is no story. just dialog between two characters.
"You use to," he insinuated.
"No I didn't" I objected.
"Yeah huh," he insisted.
again, you're saying so much that's already told in the dialog.
re-write as:
"You use to," he said.
"No I didn't."
"Yeah huh!"
okay, those are the big problems that I see. i'm gonna stop critiquing and just read now...
the best part of the story, by far, is in the park when they kiss. the rest... it gets thick and boring. i'm sorry :( i just didn't really keep attentive after that, because it wasn't... it was predictably unpredictable. which means, nothing amazing happened, just small-scale unpredicted events. i take that back. it is predictable... she ends up with him! that's how it should be, but the path is too easy. i like the format here, switching POVs from one to the other. that definitely works for the reader.
my final suggestion:
cut out a lot of the nonsense here. the back and forth that ends up meaning nothing in the end. get to the best part as quickly as possible, and try to figure out something that'll really shock the reader at the end. something that makes me talk about this story, rather than just going on to read another story and forgetting this one.
i said i could be harsh, and i think it might have come out lol... i think you've written this wonderfully, but there's much to be done! hopefully i've helped, and i hope to see another draft sooner or later :) good luck!
I love to write, even though I could use some more practice, constructive criticism perhaps? :)
I love music, the end!
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF GERARD WAY
1.thou shall never let.. more..
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