A Thrilling Proposal

Once again, It's about Love. I'll try to change the subject in the next poem. =)

Have you ever stopped and listened on a cold, dark night

To the sounds of cars and planes mingling with the animal life

Have you ever looked out the window and glimpsed by the dim light

A thousand stars that look so bizarre without me by your side

Let us take a walk and let us talk about what may

About how shooting stars aren't what they were in the times of yesterday

Do you feel the breeze about our knees that makes you feel so cold

Well, when I'm with you, I don't feel blue, and I get very bold

Its getting late, let's wrap up this date, in the pale moonlight

I see that you are tired now, so if you will allow I have one last thing to do

It'll just take a sec, oh what the heck, Let's do this in plain sight

It's a special day, I'm sorry to be cliche, but I want to spend all my days with you

Tonight's the night where I will try to make your world seem bright

I'm on one knee asking you to see if you will be my girl in white

To spend all your days in every way forever with me

Just please say yes, I'll be the best that I can ever be!

So just breathe slow and let me know if you want to be married

Author's Note

Eh...

Reviews

[Sasha]

I don't want to nit-pick but if you want an honest review, here's what I have to say: It's hard to describe my feelings on this poem. The "...about what may" in the second stanza threw me off a bit. I understand what you're getting at and that it works for your rhyme scheme, but it feels like you stopped short and doesn't suit your rhythm. "things that lovers say" feels more comfortable and works with the romanticized line that comes next. Unless it was word-play, you want to wrap* up the date.

I love the last stanza. I'd omit the "to see" in the second line because it throws off your rhythm and isn't necessary.
Overall, I like this poem. I can always appreciate the sentiment as a fellow bleeding heart.

[Jason Ellis]

"..about what lovers may"
Felt like an abrupt pause in a sentence, and you never finshed it.
It's implied what you were trying to get across, but it's better, in this case, not to let the reader have to work it out for themselves. (in my opinion)
"Do you feel the breeze about your knees that makes you feel so cold"
Perhaps, take out the second 'feel.'
Personally, I'm not a big fan of that kind of immediate repetition ^_^
"Asking you to see if you will be my girl in white"
I think that line would be better with out the "you to see." For me, those three words threw off the flowing rhythm you had going.
Other than those minor flaws, this was an amazing piece. :)
You have talent. Don't let it go to waste.

[Dylan]

I feel stupid now for using rap instead of wrap. I'll go back and fix that later when I add another piece.

[TTBoy28]

I hope she says, "Yes." Did she? Great job, anyway. I enjoyed this write alot more.

[Mason]

I see you got a nice rhythm. This could easily be the lyrics to a song. Very nice.