A Bride's Intoxication

My personal feelings

All I want to say is, I just want to be a bride. Smiling. Happy. At last, I meet my other half. I want to have the feeling of nervous waiting for the time to be reunited with my husband. I want to do a preparation. I want to go for facial, I want to do some hair treatment, I want to take some supplements, I want to start taking care of myself for my man because I love him. When I go for all this, I'm telling everyone that I'm getting married and I'm so excited.

I always wanted to marry my best friend because I will be together with my bestie, who understand me, who talks to me, who advise me, who tolerate things with me because I know I'm a woman who easily go astray. I hope he will be there for me like a father who teach me that if I change the way I'm doing, I will be better (because I'm doing wrong and I should start doing the right things). I hope that he will be there for me like a mother who always love and care for her children no matter how bad they are. She always welcome her children with open hearts and hands to give forgiveness. I hope he will be there for me like a brother who protects me from the others who scares me, who bully me, who have bad intentions towards me. I hope he will be there for me like a sister that we can gossips and chats like whatever and we stick together. We exchange clothes and we spend time together hang out, do shopping, talk about us, and laugh like nobody's business. I hope he will be there for me like siblings, we are transparent to each other, sometimes we fight and even curses to each other but we always get back together. Always.

But what actually happen is not as what I imagined�". I'm not loved. I'm not appreciated. I was not being tolerated. I was not being forgiven. I was always given the last chance to follow his words. Almost every week, i was being threatened that he will leave me. I'm feeling insecure and unhappy. I keep crying to myself and I keep blaming myself that I'm always wrong. I feel down and terribly hurt. Like a child who's crying and her family say, "Leave her alone. Let her cry in the rains. Unless she repent, let her stay there until she fall sick".

I believe in God. I believe that God's love, mercy, kindness, forgiveness is in everyone's heart who believes in God. So why do he have to treat me like this? Am I not his other half? Am I not his bride? Am I not the woman who will give birth to his children and make him a father? Am I not special to him? Am I worthless?

I just want to know, will I have the chance to be a real bride that shine? A real bride who will smile beautifully? A real bride who is loved and appreciated by her man? A bride that when her family send her by hands to her husband, her families smiled because she will be well taken care by a husband who represent "a family". Will I?

-written by Dyla Emily on 27.12.2015 which is equal to 335 days in a relationship with Her loved One.