Aidan-Chapter 20

Now it's 4,832 words o.o

Chapter 20

                Aidan had tons of chores to do the next day after the date. Aidan had to clean the kitchen, bathroom, and his own room. Aidan’s room was not messy at all. Aidan was going to do laundry as well so he get it over with. Aidan did laundry every weekend, but he didn’t want to have any this weekend. Aidan wanted to be free so he could go out with Courtney over the weekend.

                Aidan took a basket of clothes into his room to fold. If he had waited to do the clothes over the weekend he would have been there forever. There were a lot of clothes he had to fold in the long run. Aidan’s father never handled the laundry because he was always too busy. He just threw the clothes down in his room. Aidan would go into his room and pick them up for wash. Aidan hadn’t been in his father’s room for a couple of weeks.

                “Son, I have to get to back to work. I will see you later, okay?” John called up the stairs.

                “Alright, see you later dad.” Aidan walked downstairs to finish off the kitchen. It had already been cleaned the night before, but he cooked breakfast for John in the morning. Aidan only had one pan to wash in the sink. Aidan was grateful for that because he could get back to his other chores in record time. Before Aidan went back to folding clothes he cleaned his bathroom. That included the toilet and Aidan hated cleaning the toilet. It was the worst part of bathroom duty. It made Aidan feel sick on the inside.

                When Aidan was done with the bathroom he had a smile on his face. The worst part of his mission was over. Now it was time to fold the clothes he brought into his room. Aidan grabbed his clothes out first and put them neatly in a pile on his bed. Aidan separated them out and put them in his drawers.

                Aidan finished up his father’s clothes and went to put them in the room. When Aidan entered John’s room he saw that the closet door was opened and a box filled with paper was were falling out with them. John never left his closet door open and he kept it locked. Aidan started to pick up the papers that were on the ground. Aidan saw that the papers were in his mother’s hand writing.

                “Maybe I will just take a look at it. I mean it was something my mother wrote and she was a writer. Maybe it’s one of her stories that she never got to finish.” Aidan said while tears were starting to well up in his eyes.

                Aidan started reading the paper. It read:

                The reason I am writing this paper today is because I am thinking of committing suicide. So many things in my life have gone wrong and I have started to become depressed. I don’t know how much longer I can hide all of this pain I am feeling inside of myself. I know it is wrong that I am thinking about this. Suicide would hurt my family and I know it would. Still I am considering suicide for many reasons that have to go back into my past. My past is a haunted memory that I don’t want to return to, but I must. I want to get the true reasons out on why I want to commit suicide. I need to get everything off of my chest if I want to continue to be happy. Suicide is a big deal in this world, but I need to explain everything. It will help me get through my struggles.

                My husband, John, doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t know what I did so wrong to him. I loved him with all my heart and soul for years and years. Everyone that knows me knows that I have love for this man. I have been with him since high school. We went to college together. I was with him all through that time. When he was sick in bed I would come visit him and bring him brownies and cookies. I would make him homemade soup from my mother’s cookbook. I don’t know how my own husband could fall out of love with me. I made him happy throughout the whole years of school. I made him happy when he was down and out. No one else was there for him. Not even his father was there for him. When his father was there he would just hurt him more.

                When John came crying to me one day on the phone I listened to his problems. John was telling me that his father was beating on him. The beatings were getting worse. His father was drinking too much alcohol. John was getting abused since he was a kid. I was the only one in school that knew about that. John made me promise he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. I kept my promise. Now John is thinking of leaving me and taking my son with him. I don’t think so. I will not let him take my son. Aidan is my pride and joy. I would not give him up for anything in the world. If someone was going to pay me millions of dollars for him I would turn them down. I need my little boy.

                The only person that has brought me happiness right now is my son. I know he is young and he needs me. I don’t want to leave him. That is one of the reasons I don’t want my life to end. My son is the only thing that is making me happy. Aidan’s smile is so adorable. I love his smile and his laughter. Everything about my young son is what is keeping me going unlike my husband.  Aidan has been in my life for six years now. I am getting to know him as he is growing older. I can’t wait to see him reach his teen years. It will make me so proud.

                I remember finding out I was pregnant. Days before I found out that I was pregnant I was feeling a little weird. I knew the symptoms of pregnancy. I took a home pregnancy test to see if the results were positive. The home test said positive, but I wanted to make sure. I went to a prenatal doctor to see if I was. The results were shocking because the home pregnancy test was right. I know that some pregnancy tests could be false positive results. I was excited to tell John that I was pregnant with his child. I don’t know if John was really excited about having a baby. John never really showed his emotions. John smiled at me when I told him I was. Months later I found out that I was having a little boy. John was a little disappointed because he wanted a girl. I think John just accepted that we were having a boy.

                Aidan changed our lives forever and he made us bond closer. Now that time is over because we aren’t even bonding anymore. I’m losing John and if I don’t win his love back it will destroy me. John wants to take my little boy away to hurt me. John knows how much I love my child. I think every mother loves their child. Aidan has a bond with me and that bond is special. When he was a baby he was really dependant on me. I wasn’t able to put him down in fear that he would start crying. Aidan would fall asleep in my arms. Even when he was sleeping he would know when I was putting him down. I just would fall asleep with him on my chest.

                John would feel bad when his child didn’t want him. Aidan would start to cry as soon as he left my arms. I held John close to me at night when Aidan finally fell asleep without me. John would let me ruffle his hair as we watched Aidan sleep. John was jealous of me because our little boy wanted to bond with his mother and not his father. I tried to explain to him that it was a phase and that Aidan would eventually grow out of it. John snapped and told me to stop lying. He threatened me that night.

                “You are lying to me. You know you are. So stop lying before I give you something to cry about.” John told me. I just shut up as soon as he said that in fear that he was going to hit me. I knew it wasn’t my place to talk.

                When Aidan turned one that was the first time John actually did hit me. I was playing with Aidan at the time. I was glad that my son didn’t see me get hurt by his father. I don’t even know what I did to get that kind of treatment. John called me into the room and I went in. All I saw coming at me was a fist. His fist connected with my face and I fell down. I started crying as John stood over me and spat on me. I eventually went out of the room. John was watching Aidan for a couple of minutes. I didn’t want John to hold my child. I took Aidan from him because Aidan was crying and reaching out for me. As soon as I was holding Aidan he stopped crying and smiled at me. I recall John being drunk at the time and he apologized to me after crying. I hated when he was drinking. It started when Aidan turned six months old.

                “Baby, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry. Will you please forgive me?”

                “Of course, sweetie.” I told him. I wasn’t lying, but those words would soon be a distant memory. I didn’t really think he was being sincere when he said that. What I thought proved to be true within the next three months. John was still jealous of me and behind closed doors he hurt me. When we were out and about I didn’t seem broken or bruised. I was in a failing marriage, but we tried to hold together for Aidan’s sake. Aidan needed both of his parents. We would damage him if we had divorced. I don’t know how well I would do without my precious little boy in my arms. I don’t know how Aidan would have done without me as a baby either. Aidan was the only person that I was concerned with at this moment in time.

                A couple of years passed and well our marriage had gotten better. Aidan was finally bonding with his father. John stopped hitting me and things got back to normal. John was smiling again and I was happy that he was. I was happy that he was happy. I should have known that the love of his child would change him so much.

                No one really in my family ever realized that my husband hit me. I didn’t make it obvious and neither did John. Like I said before we had an act when we were out in public. My mother liked John and didn’t believe me when I told her he had hit me.

                “Oh you are just fooling yourself, dear.”

                “I am not, Mother. I told you he has been hitting me. I have bruises to prove it.”

                “I don’t believe your nonsense, my dear.” My mother would say to me. I just didn’t understand how she could not believe her child. Parents normally listened to their children and give them advice on what to do. I’m guessing my mother wasn’t the best parent. My mother had me when she was 18 years old. She married my father because he was the one who had gotten her pregnant in the first place. My mother didn’t know that taking care of a child was going to be so hard.  She knew that it was difficult when she had me. I was three years old she found out she was pregnant again. My mother was so happy. She wanted another child because she wasn’t satisfied with just me. She had so many emotions when she was pregnant and she would barely hold me anymore. When she stopped holding me I would cry for her until she came back. My mother would just stand in the room and smile at me. Mother wouldn’t pick me up and I would cry more for her attention. Father would get tired of me crying and send me to my room. I would fall asleep crying, but my mother didn’t want to have anything to do with me until the new baby was born. Mary was born in May sometime. Mother wouldn’t pay attention to me at all. It bothered me that mother didn’t want to be around me. It felt like I was being abandoned by my whole family. They gushed over Mary all the time. I felt like a complete outcast.

                When thinking about my mother I always feel the same. I feel as if she didn’t want me. I feel as if my mother didn’t like me. I don’t think she really cared for me as much. Mary would try to tell me that Mother cared, but I didn’t believe her. Mary was there for me most of the time when mother wasn’t. Dad was there for me too and I miss Dad. He died when we were so young. Mother was torn up about his death and so was I. My sister didn’t really understand what happened to our father. My mother yelled at me for telling her and grounded me for the first week at our new house, but mother wasn’t in a good mood because she was still torn up about Daddy. She wouldn’t really let us see that she was hurting. She wanted to make sure that we knew she was alright.

                When I was ten years old I was late coming home from school because I missed the bus. My bus left before I could get out of the building. I was taking forever at my locker because it was a slow day for me. I was sad and weepy and not really in a good mood that day. My mother screamed at me for an hour for being late. She hit me hard across the face and left a giant bruise that I had covered up. I didn’t want anyone to see that I had bruises. I didn’t live near John at the time which I was glad for. My mother would always hit me in front of Mary. Mary would just stand there crying because she felt the pain I felt. Mother never hit her though because mother favored her over me. Mary as mother’s little angel. I wasn’t jealous of her through.

                Years after that the hitting got worse, but I know it was because Daddy’s death was still in her mind. I didn’t want her to hit me, but I couldn’t stand up to her because she was my mother. I couldn’t stand up against my mother because I knew that we would be taken away. I wasn’t going to do that to Mary because she loves my mother. She loved her even though she was beating on me. Mary knew that what mother was doing was wrong. Mary just couldn’t stop it because mother adored her and my mother would never hit her. Like I said before my mother favored my sister over me. I was used to that by now.  John’s father had done the same thing to him when he was a child. I can truly understand what John went through as a child. I never told him that my mother beat me. John never really found out about the bruises. I hid the bruises well because I didn’t want to make up excuses to teachers and I didn’t want them to get concerned. I didn’t want to be taken from my mother because I did love her even though she was beating me.

                Another moment I remember with my mother was when I was eighteen years old my mother said some very hurtful words to me. I remember clearly what she said to me. I was still living in her house at the time. I was going to be leaving in about a month.

                “John, I will be leaving in about ten minutes. I just need to tell my mother that I’m leaving. Okay?” I said to John who was my boyfriend of two weeks.

                “Alright, if your mother has a problem with you coming out tonight just let me know.” John said. I told him okay and we hung up. I walked out of my room to go into my mother’s room. She was sitting on her bed looking at a photo album. She had a beer in her hand and she was crying. My father’s anniversary of his death was that day. I could tell then because when it’s that day my mother normally looked at old photos of them. She didn’t drink all the time. She only drank when she was in pain. I knew she was hurting.

                “Mom, you shouldn’t be drinking.”

                “Don’t tell me what to do, child.”

                “I’m just trying to keep you alive and healthy, mother.”

                “I don’t need you to tell me how to run my life. I know what I am doing. I would appreciate it if you would but out of my life. You shouldn’t be telling me what to do when you don’t know everything. I have been alive longer than you have. I think I know more than you.”

                “Mom, I don’t want you to drink a lot because you might get drunk and try to drive somewhere. You did last year on this very day. You had to pay a fine because you were driving under the influence. I just don’t want you to get into an accident mom. I don’t want to lose you and neither does Mary.” I said showing the utmost compassion for my mother’s health. I didn’t want her to get into an accident and die. I was looking out for her. She never really understood that.

                “Like I said a couple of minutes ago don’t tell me what to do child. I will stop drinking when I feel like it. I know what I’m doing. I am the adult and you are the child. You should be listening to me. Not the other way around.”

                “I’m just trying to keep you from getting hurt or dying. I don’t want you to die. Mother, I would love to stay and chat with you, but John is taking me out tonight. I would like to know what time you want me to come.”

                “How about you stay home tonight for trying to tell me what to do? You are grounded, Ashley.”

                “You’re grounding me for caring about you?! I don’t want you to get hurt! I don’t want to see you die! I love you and Mary loves you. We need you in our lives mom! We can’t lose you! It will kill us both!”

                “Well the only one I truly need is Mary. I don’t need you in my life because you can think you can tell me what to do. I am the adult and you are the child and I say you’re grounded. That’s final young lady. I don’t want to hear another word come out of your mouth. You are so lucky that I didn’t abort you. I was planning on aborting you in the first place.”

                My mouth hung open when she said those words. I was upset, but I didn’t say anything. I was thinking about the words she just spoke. “You are so lucky that I didn’t abort you,” was playing over and over inside of my head. I couldn’t shake the words out of my head.

                “Y-you were going to a-abort me?” I asked.

                “Didn’t I say I didn’t want to hear your mouth? Yes, I was going to abort you, but your father stopped me. He told me he wanted me to have you. He wanted me to keep you and give you up to a nice family. But instead of doing that we kept you because your father had a strong connection with you when you were first born. I refused to hold you because that’s what the lady from the adoption agency said. Your father held you and he fell in love with you. I didn’t really want you. I was prepared to give you away to some strangers. I wasn’t happy when your father decided that he wanted you. We got married before you were born, but we didn’t know what to do at that time. I was so in love with your father. I still love him and always will. You were just a mistake. I don’t understand why your father loved you.” She was crying because of the memories of my father that was creeping up into her mind. She knew I was crying because of what she said. She didn’t even care that she made her daughter cry. I ran out the room and locked my door so no one could get in. At first I threw myself on the bed and cried. After a little while of crying I just got off my bed and climbed out the window. That night I stayed at John’s house and cried in his arms. His mother and father didn’t mind that I spent the night. My mother found out I left and just threw my stuff out on the curb. She left me a note saying, “If you want to sneak out in the middle of the night then go ahead, but don’t think I’m going to let you come back into the house. You disrespected my rules and you disrespected me so you don’t get to stay here. Don’t bother showing your face around here again.”

                I didn’t have anywhere to go for the first couple of days. John’s parents didn’t know that I got kicked out. John didn’t know until two days after my mother kicked me out. I just slept in the park under my blanket. I didn’t want to bother John’s parents about me staying at their house. I knew that his parents already accepted me as their daughter in law. I was happy that they allowed me to stay in their home when they found out my own mother kicked me out. They didn’t like my mother at the moment. They thought she was a terrible person. I had told them what happened.

                A couple of weeks later my mother called my cell phone crying.

                “Do you know where Mary is?”

                “No.”

                “Can you call her for me?”

                “Okay.” I hung up on my mother and dialed my sister’s cell phone. She answered the phone crying.

                “Ashley, where are you?! I miss you!”

                “I’m at John’s house. Where are you I will have John pick you up?”

                “I’m in front of Blain’s house.”

                “Why are you at Blain’s house?!”

                “We are dating again.” I got into John’s car and drove off down to where we used to live. I picked my sister up and we were silent in the car for a while. I was upset that she was seeing Blain again after what had happened with him. I didn’t say anything for a while and my sister was shaking like a leaf. She was really nervous.

                “Please come home!” She finally said breaking down crying. She had looked as if she had been crying when I first went to go see her. I stopped the car on a side road and hugged her.

                “I’m sorry, Mary. I can’t do that. Mom doesn’t want me living at home and I can’t disobey her wishes. Please just go home to mom. She needs you and you need her.” I said calmly.

                “No, I want you to come home with me! I don’t want to be home without you! I need you, Ashley! Please come home! Mom needs you too! She is just being stupid. She didn’t mean the words she said. She was just speaking out in hurt and anger. Please Ashley, I need you.” Mary was starting to cry harder.

                “I’ll bring you home and I will see you more on the weekends. I’m sorry I can’t stay somewhere I’m not wanted. Mom never cared about me Mary. When we were growing up she was only concerned about you. Father cared more about me than mother did. I’m sorry, but I can’t go back home. Mother doesn’t need me.” Mary looked completely shocked at the last line I said.

                “But I want you. It doesn’t matter what mom thinks. I need you in my life. Please? I want you to come home. It’s going to be terrible without you.” Mary kept on insisting.

                I started driving again avoiding the question that was asked of me. I wasn’t going to walk into the house and ask if I could live there. She made it clear she didn’t want me and she didn’t need me. I was just trying to help her, but she doesn’t listen to me. Mother knows that I am right, but she doesn’t really want to admit that I am. That’s the problem with my mother. She never listens to anything I have to say.

                “Please, Ashley. I need you to come home. I can’t stand that you aren’t there. You are the one that gives me advice. Mom doesn’t understand me as well as you can. I know you love her, but she can’t see it. Please Ashley I need you.”

                “Mary, I can’t live there anymore. I’m going to college in a few months. I will come to visit you when I can.” I said crying with her. I was tired of being asked to live with my mother. She didn’t want me and I wasn’t going to ruin her life anymore than I thought I was.

                She just stayed quiet for the rest of the car ride. Mary wasn’t in a good mood because she loved me. She wanted me to be there with her, but I wasn’t going to go through anymore mental abuse and physical abuse. I was tired of it and I didn’t want to put on any more make up to hide all the bruises. My sister knows that I have bruises, but she doesn’t say anything about it. I don’t say anything either.

                I dropped her off at home and took off down the road. I wasn’t going to go see my mother. I drove off after she made it safely inside. I wasn’t going to talk to Ashley about dating Blain…it was her decision to date him. Mary knew that he was a cheater, but she didn’t want to believe that he was cheating.

                The last thing that is making me consider this is that I feel as if I am a terrible mother to my child. My child loves me with all his heart and I know that, but I feel like I’m not doing well for him. I love him so much, but I don’t know how much longer I can stand being in a relationship with John. Aidan doesn’t know what’s really going on in our lives. I can’t explain it to him because he is still a child and he wouldn’t understand what I was talking about.

                How would I explain what a divorce is to a six year old? I mean I know that many parents get divorces when the kids are younger, but I don’t want him to go through that. I don’t want him to lose me in the early years of his life. I love my child to death and I know losing me from suicide would affect him more than from me just leaving forever.

                Well I’m going to wrap up this note. I need to go take care of my child.

From,

Ashley

                As soon as Aidan put that note down on the bed he broke down crying. He never thought that his mother was considering suicide. Aidan felt that his mother was the happiest person in the world. Why would she do that to herself? And if his dad didn’t really love her then Aidan figured he wouldn’t be crying over her death all that often. Now Aidan was wondering why she would ever plan committing suicide when she knew that she had people that loved her? Aidan now was wondering if this was even his mother’s writing or if it was someone else’s. He wanted to find that out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait..it took forever.

Reviews

[Julie Beth]

okay so this was wicked dramatic and intense and just like COME ON! LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON AND NOW THIS! i seriously want to walk into this book and hug Aidan

[Some Random Person.]

wow...,... That was dramatic!

[Daydreamer54]

Wow, this was very draMATIC AND NOW AIDEN KNOWS A WHOLE LOT ABOUT HIS MOTHER

[Emunah June.]

Wow. Thats heavy. Poor Aidan just got a whole lot more to think about.