Aidan-Prologue

Prologue

                Aidan was lying in his bed trying to fall asleep. For some reason that night he just couldn’t get to sleep and he had been having a terrible feeling that was happening all day. Aidan felt like something bad was going to happen during that specific day. Aidan didn’t understand what was going on because he was a six-year-old boy.

                Earlier in the day Aidan was playing in the backyard. His mother was watching him from the lawn chair with a smile on her face. Aidan had a feeling that something bad was going to happen to his mother every time he stepped near her. Aidan ran away into the kitchen to get something to drink because he was thirsty from playing. He also wanted to get a drink for his mother as well.

                Aidan ran back outside and gave another glass to his mother who smiled at her young son.

                “Mommy, I got you some water,” little Aidan said. His mom, Ashley, took the water from him. She placed a hand on top of his head.

                “Thanks honey,” she said.

                “Aidan, can you come help me,” his father, John, called. He motioned Aidan to come over to where he was standing. Aidan ran over to John. John handed him a bucket because he wanted Aidan to help wash the car.

                “What do you need help with,” Aidan asked John although Aidan already knew the answer to that question.

                “Can you just hold the bucket for me,” his father asked him.

                “Yes, Daddy,” Aidan responded. Aidan held the bucket while his father worked on his car. Aidan always helped his father when he washed his car. Aidan was used to the routine by now. John didn't really need to ask Aidan because he would help anyway.

                When Aidan went inside his mother was making lunch. Aidan looked a little down when he walked inside the house. Aidan had another feeling like something bad was going to happen.

                “What’s wrong, Aidan,” his mother asked him noticing that he looked pale and a little depressed.

                “I just have a really bad feeling is all,” Aidan said to his mom and she smiled at him. Ashley hugged him trying to reassure Aidan that everything was going to be okay.

                “Awe, honey. Don’t worry nothing bad is going to happen,” she said to her young son and planted a kiss on his forehead.

               A couple of hours later Aidan drifted to sleep. Aidan needed sleep for school because it was starting tomorrow. He woke up again because of feeling he was having again. When he woke up, Aidan, was thirsty again. Aidan decided to go get a cup full of water from the kitchen. When Aidan entered the kitchen he saw his mother lying on the ground not moving. He ran over to her.

                “Mommy, mommy,” he said while shaking her. Ashley still wouldn’t move. Ashley was lying on her left side so he couldn’t see her face. Aidan moved to the right side and he saw his mother had blood all over her motionless body. Aidan started screaming because he saw Ashley's blood splattered all over the place. Her blood was splattered all over the floor next to him and the walls and other furniture. Aidan noticed all the stab wounds that were placed all along her body. Ashley had more than one stab wound on her body.

                When John heard his son scream he came out of his room. Aidan was still screaming when his father had walked out into the kitchen.

                “Aidan, what’s wrong,” John asked his voice was filled with sleepiness.

                “M-mommy is d-dead,” Aidan stuttered. John looked at his wife’s body. He was in bewilderment because his child was right. His wife was dead and John couldn’t believe it. John held his crying child tightly because they were both really upset. John called the police a few seconds later. The police showed up and so did a forensic team because his father reported a murder. John didn't really know if it was murder he was only taking a guess.

                Aidan was disturbed because his six year old mind couldn't handle anything like this. Aidan was too young to comprehend what was going on.

Author's Note

This is my pride and joy. I need to work on it. Make sure all of the grammar is correct. So I am reediting to make sure that it is. I hope you can bear with me. This isn't my first time editing it, but I really want it to be ready. I love this book. It's the first book I have finished. I am going to be working on the second one as soon as I finish editing this. When you read it. I hope that you enjoy this novel. Thank you for supporting me for whoever actually finished this story.

Reviews

[Maksim T. Siggurd]

Not bad, but as an honest critique and not as a slam here, but in my personal opinion the word "Aiden" appears a bit much. If you establish the character who is thinking/doing/speaking/whatever and it doesn't flip-flop back and forth, a lot of those "Aidens" can be switched to "he/him".

You don't have to take my comment to heart, but as a writer who had my early pieces destroyed for doing this, I just thought I'd pass along some friendly advice.

As far as the story itself goes - so far so good! I'll keep reading. If you get bored, check out the beginning of my book "Republika: The Fierside Massacre". Good work!

[Steven Cash]

85/100

[Steven Cash]

I liked it. I suggest not saying Aidan so much tho.

Use he at times
Only time you should say his name again is if another man comes into the scene

And push a few sentences together I say

nice, and not long at all

if it weren't so late I'd read more

stay on my case til I do, tho, okay?

[Angie Diane♥♥]

His name needs to be used. I use he to much before that.

[Angie Diane♥♥]

Thank you for your critique thoug.

[Steven Cash]

it's no problem

maybe you can find a balance between the two

[Angie Diane♥♥]

Yeah. That's why I used both.

[∠( ᐛ 」..]

Oh no D: why did ashley die to soon!!!!!!D: whyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
100/100

[Angie Diane♥♥]

Thank you. :)

[emman]

Aidan can see premonitions :)

[Leave me alone....]

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg SADNESS~!!!! T-T awwwwww poor Aidan!!!

[Chris]

I don't know what's been said already and I'm a little too lazy to look at more than the first page of reviews, so I apologize ahead of time if I repeat things that have been said by other people.

Anyways, this is a good start to the novel. There's a hook here because of Aidan's mother's death, which can grab some people's interest and make them want to read further. The opening paragraph has a nice hook to it, which is good to have in the first paragraph because you want to grab the reader's attention right away. The mentioning of Aidan having a bad gut feeling about something supplies that, making us want to read the rest of the prologue.

I have to agree with what Maksim T. Siggurd said. There is too much repetition of "Aidan." It sticks out to the reader. You may want to try reducing the number of times you mention the name.

There was also other various repetitions. For example:

Aidan was lying in his bed trying to *fall asleep.* For some reason that night he just couldn’t *fall asleep* and he had been having a terrible feeling that was *happening all day.* Aidan felt like something bad was going to *happen during that specific day.* Aidan didn’t understand what was going on because he was a six-year-old boy.

Of course, some repetition is fine, but it's generally a good idea to vary it by using different words because repetition usually sticks out to the reader and may stall them a little (not to mention, if overdone, it may cause him or her to look for these repetitions rather than actually read what you wrote, and you don't want that). However, I will cut you some slack for this because you're writing for a six-year-old. A kid that age has a limited vocabulary, so repetition is definitely understandable. Still, if you can find a way to reduce repeating words or phrases while still keeping it believable for a child's point of view, it might not hurt to consider changing words around, just to make the sentences flow a little better.

One other thing that Maksim also touched on was point of view (or at least from what I understand from when I read his review). Generally, you want to try to stay in one character's mind, and one character's mind only. Since you're telling this chapter through Aidan, you want to stay in his head and not go wandering into another character's. For example:

When John heard his son scream he came out of his room. Aidan was still screaming when his father had walked out into the kitchen.

Unless Aidan has a clear line of sight to his parents' bedroom, the first line in this passage should be omitted. We shouldn't be able to know what's going on unless it's something that Aidan sees, hears, feels, or thinks. Another example:

His wife was dead and John couldn’t believe it.

There's a small chance I could be wrong on this one, but this would also be considered to be switching point of view because we're entering John's mind when you say that he "couldn't believe it." Arguably, I suppose one could say that Aidan might be able to make that deduction, but then again, we're dealing with a six-year-old, so I'm not sure if he would be able to do so (because I don't think kids have quite gained theory of mind at that age). Besides, we already learn that John is in bewilderment in the line before this one, so we already get some sense that he's unable to believe what he's seeing.

To go along with point of view, word choice is definitely something to keep in mind. You want to try to keep from saying what your character wouldn't say because, generally, you want the narration to match with the character. Mainly what I am getting at here is to make sure there aren't any words that may be too advanced for a sixth-year-old's vocabulary. For the most part, I do think you did a good job on this. A lot of the word choices seem appropriate for a young child. The only one that definitely seemed too advanced would be "forensic team." Maybe "murder," too. And then there's "bewilderment." Oh, and instead of John and Ashley, use "Daddy" and "Mommy" since Aidan calls them by that rather than their first names.

And as for the scene where Aidan happens upon his mom's body, it seems a little dry to me. There's a little too much observing and not enough feeling. I want to feel the shock and horror that Aidan feels, because it'll make me have to sympathize with him more. I mean, you hint at this horror by him screaming, but try to go further than that. What are his thoughts? Physically speaking, how else is he reacting? Is he trembling? Are tears pouring from his eyes? These kind of descriptions can make that scene much more powerful.

Like what Maksim said, don't take any of this the wrong way. I'm definitely not trying to be mean, just trying to give honest, constructive criticism. :)

But yeah, this is a good start to the novel. Will read more.

[Some Random Person.]

A strong beginning to a story. I wonder who killed his mother.... Great beginning. Will read on.