Just How I Feel...

Sometimes I wish that people were walking in my shoes to truly understand how I think, how I feel, and how much I want to feel better. Honestly, I don’t think that I will ever be happy until someone truly wants to get to know me. Get to know me for the real me that is being hidden inside of me. I know I’m actually trapped in a state of not being able to be myself. I’m hiding behind something that people can never understand. Why can’t people just get it? Why do I always have to be the strong one? Can’t I ever break down? I never do in fear that someone will see through the cracks. I want someone to be able to get in though. Why do I always prevent them from doing so? Is it that I feel so screwed up beyond repair? That might be it, but am I really a screw up?

            Home is the only place that I know I’m accepted. Even at work I don’t feel like I fit in. I don’t feel like I’m accepted though I know I am. Everyone is so different, but we are a family. The thoughts running through my head at work are just how I feel writing on this piece of paper…technically I’m typing, but I think of this as a blank canvas. I can let my mind wander. At this moment…I feel like I’m writing a letter, but I’m truly not. I’m just writing down all I feel. All I think at night…

            I feel like I’m in a bubble; that I’m trying to escape. Behind my mask I have inner turmoil, but doesn’t everyone? Every one of us hides something about ourselves, but it’s hard to help someone else before I can’t even help myself. I know I can give advice or try to make someone feel better, but I truly do feel lonely even when I’m around them. The friends that I trust make me happy. I can be myself around them and they don’t judge me. They are the good people in my life.

            Writing like this makes me feel a little better, but I know that it’s not enough. I should really start talking to someone so they can help. So it can all get better. I’m depressed every day, but no one sees it. Even my best friends I hide everything from. I need to be happy. Writing this release is starting to help. Maybe I should keep a journal…

            I can write how I feel daily and maybe it will help…it just has too. I’ve tried journals before and I stopped writing in them. Maybe this time…it will help.

Author's Note

Just what I want...how I've been feeling...so out of place...so depressed...am I even fixable?

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

You're twenty, of course you're fixable...in fact, nothing is really wrong with you...other than you're twenty and full of female emotions (this coming from a man, I know)...but truly, time, wisdom from experience and (judging by how you sound like there's a moderate emptiness...) possibly a soul mate will end all this...for now, a journal helps.

Thanks for the share