At Least Give Me the Finger

can anyone relate?

I haven't been here in over 5 years. I've outgrown so many things but not my thoughts.

I was reading back some of my entries. All of my entries have a common theme. I am always questioning and wondering. That hasn't stopped. So many things have changed, but that hasn't. I still don't quite get this life. Maybe there is nothing for me to get. But even if that is the conclusion, I think it's my job to get there on my own and not to just accept it blindly. It's like the Konisberg Bridge Problem. In that problem there are 7 bridges over rivers that connect two islands and there was a question of whether all 7 bridges could be crossed without doubling back over a single one. This is one of the most famous math problems that yield the answer "no" or "impossible" but any true math mathematician won't just accept it. They will test it. They will try it. They will see what makes it impossible and only then will they accept that answer. I guess this is the same way I see life.

I am still very much in awe of this life. Sometimes I am even haunted by it. This month in particular has been quite conflicting for lots of people. Is it possible to have Christmas cheer and empathy for Gaza? Some folks marched at Rockefeller Center to cancel Christmas. I wonder what the objective was. I am being a bit facetious. I know how important it is to shed light on what's happening in Gaza. Our aid is needed. A ceasefire is needed. But I also wonder how many people were there for Gaza and how many were there for their conscience's sake. People have to continue to believe that they are good people, so they must show up and do good people things. I am not making light of this, I promise. But I really do wish to explore this notion. Are we as concerned with Gaza as we think we are? Are we as concerned with all the "isms" in the world as we think we are? Are we really sensitive to those in need? NYC has the 2nd largest population of homeless people. I once got off the subway and saw a man smiling and holding a sign that said "At Least Give Me The Finger". Imagine how invisible he must have felt that he was no longer begging for a meal or some pocket change but, instead, wants your insults and disrespect just as a sign that he is alive and we see him. We look him over and then re-share the latest world catastrophe on social media. Homelessness must not be the latest trend. I am speaking to myself too. This is the haunting part.

We are so concerned about being good people. But do we really know what it means to be a full person? How can we be full people if we are so desensitized to the violence within ourselves, let alone the world. Can we end a war in another country without ending the war within ourselves? Do we not see our own violence? Have we've been able to sit and look closely to how we are rude, manipulative, jealous, possessive, competitive etc. We are so busy living in a world of what should be but we don't have the ability to sit with what is. There's no way to deal with it unless we come to terms with it. It feels like we have chosen violence from the beginning. Much of this world is built on it. It is woven into the fabric. Why are we outraged at wars? Do we think the armed forces are there for fun? Have we convinced ourselves that we are just the good guys with guns? It's all senseless violence. Can we rid the world of violence? I think we can only rid the violence within ourselves. The real question is how?

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[Davidgeo]

You should get into Oscar Wilde and read his book The Picture of Dorian Gray.