Arkos is stll after Dev as he gets ready for his Birthday party at, of all places, his worst bully's house, Scant. And something is very much amiss with this, although Lilly will be there. (more)
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Time marches on ...
It
is now March of 2017 and it is time to post a new book, the 3rd in the
Future Barrier series. A rather funny, crazy, and sometimes kinky story
that spans 4-books altogether dealing with future technology, unrequited
love, and absolute vengeance.
FOREWARD
FUTURE BARRIER started out to be a silly work I
thought I
would write in
a month or so
but it has
expanded
considerably
into what is
now several years of
writing and
already completes 2 full novels,
or a little
over 2100 full
pages of
writing.
I attribute this in part by reading other
fictional
novels from
brave writers
who share not
only their
excellent
literary
skills but
wove in their
non-fictional
recounts and
ideas from
their own
lives.
So just like them you will see me including
and writing
down real-life
events from my
past as and
the vivid
sometimes
bizarre dreams
I have had and
continue to
have, directly
into this
fantasy story.
Mostly, however, my writing will detail the
many
misadventures
I had with
Tyr, my rather
precocious and
certainly
obnoxious
girlfriend
while we
attended
classes back
in Elementary
and Middle
School.
And some of this writing may reflect the many
dysfunctional
relationships
and brushes
with the same
and opposite
sexes I had
growing up -
still leaving
me utterly
confused and
frustrated
about both to
this day.
How do I feel today ? I am not really sure who
I am or where
I belong in
the world.
Where do I
belong ? I've
asked myself
that question
more years
than I can
remember.
Oddly enough I've had many MANY people tell me
where I do in
fact belong -
and not all of
them were just
teasing me but telling me.
But I do want to point out the main focus of
this writing
is on the
"Wishful
Thinking"
aspect of it,
and what
happens when a
young boy
finds a way to
solve his
bullying
problems which
I never did
growing up.
Yet - he does solve them, utterly and
completely,
with absolute
power from a
device
curiously sent
to him all the
way from one
million years
of his own
future to his
current time
period.
Perhaps we have all wished for this ... ? A
way out of our
past
difficulties
and to be free
from of our
future
problems ?
There are many influences in this story. I
would like to
thank my Mom
and Dad for
raising me as
well as they
could. My
sister for
putting up
with me cause
I could be a
real pip at
times, and the
true and few
friends I have
made in life
throughout the
years.
One such strong influence comes from the
author Max
Rabinowitz and
the journal he
wrote about
his time in
the funny
factory, or what we call - the mental ward.
He showed me it was possible to write about
oneself even
if you are a
little crazy
in the head,
and at a
personal and
intimate level
too without
being afraid
of the
content.
And
this instills that much more courage and
acceptance of
me as a person
with unique
ideas,
aspirations,
and feelings,
especially since I have spent a good portion of my life in a mental ward
- so I can completely relate to what he went through.
Rose, my long-time girlfriend also wanted to
be in this
story too so
she is listed
as Lilly
Veneir,
attending the
same school we
are, and she
truly is a bit
of a twist to
the story.
I modeled her after a girl I met when Dad left
me and my
sister at the
babysitter's,
I was 7-years
old at the
time, obsessed
by colored
pegs.
I only met her once but she made a lasting if
not painful
impression on
me that showed
me there was
more to life
than just
colored pegs.
In any case, a full character synapse is
located at the
end of this
book detailing
all the people
in it, but you
should save
reading that
until only
after you have
read to that
point, cause
it might spoil
the story if
you don't.
There will also be original chapter
illustrations
done for
Barrier by a
talented
free-lance
artist a few
years back.
While he did
several for
the first few opening
chapters, he
didn't cover
all of them I
think
ultimately
being
distracted by
other
projects.
So at this time I am looking for someone who
is an artist
and would be
interested in
drawing
illustrations
for any part
of these
chapters. I will certainly give you full credit and link to your site wherever it may be.
The
style of artwork I would especially like would be 'minimalistic' with
very little effort on the part of the artist and done in a style similar
to courtroom drawings like THIS.
Well, with that I present to you, "Future
Barrier," told
ultimately in
4 novels. Once
I finish up
the 3rd book, I
will start on
the 4th and
conclude this
crazy silly
fantasy
nightmare
magical
romance story.
Written to where I can refer to all of them,
but never have
to relive
these strange
and often
bittersweet
memories and
visions again
- unless I so
choose to ...
I
spoke with my doctor today (03-01-17) and he said, as long as I list
this story as fictional, there shouldn't be anything wrong about
including real portions of my life in it. And - I will, it makes the
writing that much easier.
THIS BOOK:
This is the =3rd= book in the series. You can find the completed first one HERE.
With
the arrival of a mysterious plugin and Tyr gaining telekinetic use
through it's activation, she has been kidnapped by a secret organization
called the Arkos Institute which experiments on gifted children for
their unique abilities.
"Central," an important company, from 1-million years in the future has
issued an emergency meeting and calls Murphy to take control of the
situation to retrieve the plugin from Dev and destroy it.
Meanwhile back on Earth, Arkos is now after Dev as he gets ready for his
Birthday party at, of all places, his worst bully's house, Scant. And
something is very much amiss with this, although Lilly, Dev's friend will be
there, to make sure nothing goes wrong.
Nothing will go wrong, will it ... ?
F
U T U R
E
B A R R I E R
secret technology, unrequited love, and absolute vengeance
(
The 3rd Novel
)
Looking for the Character Synopsis ? That can be found HERE
* *
*
Some terms and names you should be familiar with from the previous books:
PLUGIN: USB, home to sentient being SIM, capable of restructuring reality to any form or manner, usually with permanent results and consequences.
SIM: the sentient being in the plugin. Capable of speaking and understanding human speech.
GATES:
fantastic constructed rings that are two-way doors allowing one to
travel through time or position to any location or destination.
Including Astral and Spectral universes.
PRIME UNIVERSE: The universe in which normal breathing man lives.
ASTRAL UNIVERSE: Sometimes called alternate Heaven. Beings of light, compassion, and humility can be found here. It is especially difficult to establish a 2-way connection with the Gates to this universe.
SPECTRAL UNIVERSE: Sometimes called alternate Hell. Beings of dark, wicked, and ulterior motives and scheming can be found here. It is remarkably easy to establish a 2-way connection with the gates to this universe.
DARCEON:
a being from the Spectral universe. Wholly evil, cunning, and planning.
He appears from the usage of first stage construction of the Gates. He is responsible for sending the SIM plugin to the past and eventually Dev's hands.
1-MILLION YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Where the plugin device originally came from, seeded by Darceon. In the 2nd book, Darceon does meets Dev and makes a blood pact with him regarding the SIM device.
LEARBY: head of Central Intelligence. Leader of the planet Amaranth. Is for the usage of the unstable Gates as he is greatly concerned for the welfare and future of civilization.
MURPHY: head scientist to Central. Against the technology called the Gates. Believes the Gates to be a direct doorway to hell. Says their use is unethical and immoral.
CHEANI: An intrepid adventurer who agreed to enter the Gate, travel back in time and try to find her way where the SIM device was - and destroy it, ensuring the survival of the future of Earth.
ARKOS: Secret underground organization that experiments on gifted children and
tries to find ways of using their special abilities to further Arkos'
ends. It is also the name of the founder, whom the end of the 2nd book has revealed he is not human.
TYR: Girlfriend to Dev.
Mischievous at best, criminal at worst. Always teasing Dev, sometimes
in a provocative or unlady-like manner. SIM gave her telekinetic
ability. Arkos is aware of this.
DEV: Protagonist, founder of SIM. Sim is now part of Dev. He is also naive in
matters of maturity and a great many other things in life much to Tyr's
and Lilly's delight and ability to both manipulate him.
LILLY: Friend to Tyr. Obsessed with murder and blood. She has a pet squirrel
named Choo-Choo. SIM gave her pet squirrel ability to speak with humans.
She is close friends with Tyr and they often scheme things to do to Dev.
SWIRLIES: A despicable form of bully abuse where someone's head is swirled in a toilet and flushed, usually a public bathroom.
SCANT: real name Theodore Merriwether. Complete bully to Dev in all books. Hangs out with five other troublemakers, always involved in giving swirlies to Dev at a moment's notice. Dev vows terrible vengeance on Scant - some day.
STEFANI:
The most evil and wicked woman in the entire story. She has a very
abusive history and as a child murdered her parents. She will eventually
meet her end and most befitting of assassinations she has done to others in
the past.
DEMPSEY: right-hand strongman to Arkos. Very fond of Stefani. Will basically do anything for her, if just to be beside her. He is not very bright.
CAPTAIN CIRCUMFERENCE: A silly cartoon of a superhero that teaches mathematics and problem solving.
POLLY ROCKET: Silly cartoon of a super-heroine for girls. Teaches very little of anything useful, is especially cringeworthy. Very popular with Tyr and Lilly.
This chapter
is Rated: EVERYONE
We see the stillness of the stars.
Constantly
moving, and yet to the naked eye appearing completely immobile. Perhaps
a similar view of mankind to our own Creator ?
Great
anguish and turmoil occurring were you present and witness to our
Sapphire Earth and yet from millions of miles away, our galaxy only
appeared as soft and shimmering stars. Beautiful and tranquil, without a
care in the world.
PLANET AMARANTH BETA 3: Year 1-Q-042, LOCATION: Central Main, Conference Room # 2
Outside of this philosophical view, we continue to travel through the
universe to a great council called before the almighty Central to
determine the fate of Cheani who was sent into the Gate to retrieve the
mysterious plugin seeded by Darceon from one million years in the past.
As of yet, her fate is still unknown to the council.
There was diffuse lighting in the meeting room, shining an eerie violet
down from the ceiling and over 20 important people are seated around a
long egg-shaped table.
They
appeared to be much younger than they were as this genetically augmented race of people aged
half the speed of normal humans due to longevity programs of the era,
although they were all clearly human. In front of them a smooth-cornered
rectangular screen floated relaying private information to each of them
about the proceedings.
One person appearing in his 20s making him an easy 40-years old wore a
mantle of authority about him. A blue sash was draped over his right shoulder when he
suddenly stood up to address everyone.
"My name is Learby. I have called you here today
gentleman and gentle lady to determine what action we should take in
light of Cheani's absence."
The group murmured amongst themselves and he continued louder, "It has been several days now and I fear the worst ! Murphy, can you fill us in please ?"
Murphy who was earlier removed from office by his earlier outburst had
apparently been returned due to the severity of the situation and absense of their best agent, Cheani.
"Thank
you, superior Learby. Gentlemen and ma'am, I warned you and all of
Central that this would happen. The 'Gates' technology pose a serious threat to us
and their dismantling is of utmost importance to us all."
Someone coughed uncomfortably in the group, reminding Murphy that his say on this matter was only one of personal concern and few, if any, people believed as he did.
Murphy continued, "Yes, I understand. We must deal with the situation at
hand first. Okay, what we know is," and as he spoke he tapped the tip
of his finger with his other and a holographic thin blue-white light
shone out of the tapped finger to project onto a holographic sphere that was hanging motionless in
the center of the conference table.
"We know Cheani entered the Gate through - here." and he dipped his
finger slightly to show a red glow inside the sphere. The sphere itself
had snaked coils, apparently complex corridors showing in all directions
both location and times it was theorized you would wind up in
traversing these locations.
He added in a tone of concern, "What we DON'T know is why she suddenly
broke off contact HERE. We also have this - " and he took his hand and waved
it across the sphere replacing it with a chart that had a series of
vectored lines in it.
"Here - " and he stabbed his finger showing a pinpoint location in a
gridded line chart, "We can see that Cheani was changed by the gate. Apparently at a molecular level."
There was a murmur of concern from the group. Murphy let it continue a
moment, relishing in the fact he was finally driving home the dangers of
the usage of the Gate. Learby tapped his two fingers loudly and
impatiently on the solid surface of the table issuing a silence again,
as this was breaking off-topic.
Murphy continued, "Yes. You can see clearly from her biometric reading,
it shows distortion, especially affecting her pituitary gland, and
obviously more than this. We don't have all the details."
"We
can only hope it hasn't effected her thinking or memory as well so she
can carry out her earlier mission. To retrieve or destroy the plugin and end the
possible threat to planet Earth from it's current user."
To clear up any misconceptions he added, "And it IS being used !" And
then he waved his hand across the field and a pretty violet line swept across the sphere, clearing it, and new chart appeared showing a
line graph with a flat horizontal line but held a few ascending arcs
showing usage of the plugin.
Murphy closed his hand ending both the chart and the pinpoint laser tip
from his index finger. He raised his voice, "At times time, we must assume
Cheani has failed in her mission since the plugin is still in use. We cannot rely on blind luck at this
critical time."
He tapped his two fingers in the air together again and the light probe emitting from his fingers ceased. He continued, "Therefore I propose we send a new small team to carry out her
mission using the new Statix suits I have developed for hazardous terrain."
There was an uncomfortable murmur which Murphy would not allow to
continue. "People, I realize these are not cleared with Central because
of their dangerous nature. But can we be certain that it was the lack of
preparation and going 'by the book' is what caused Cheani's mission to
fail and possibly cost her life ?"
He allowed himself a smile for a moment. The unrest was growing in the groups and confusion and concern at this rare time would actually benefit him. There was a
few nods of heads, agreeing, perhaps they were a bit hasty in their
efforts to retrieve the plugin without using all the resources at their
disposal.
Learby tapped his own two fingers on the table to emphasize his next
point and stood up to take the floor. "Then it is settled gentlemen. We
will send a team of 3 people into the Gate using Murphy's delicate
Statix suits. I will clear the paperwork for it, and I will need 3
volunteers for this."
Learby looked down as if disappointed and the tone of his voice changed
as he added, "Obviously they can't do any worse than Cheani has. Are
there any disagreements to this ?"
* * *
The table got silent. Murphy sat down and smiled slightly. He was
pleased. If this went well and successfully, then his next proposal to
dismantle the Gate would be well and better received.
He
would certainly do all he could to help this mission, if only to
further his cause of being a 'helpful' citizen and earn his place back
in Central. It would be points in his favor and he knew it.
Learby gave a wary look over to Murphy. He was obviously not an idiot
and knew that Murphy was helping out for his own personal reasons. He
never did want him here in Central and preferred he be cooling his heels
in prison for slurring Central earlier rather than being confined to
his home as he was.
Murphy was a dangerous man in his book to Central Command and he definitely did not trust him.
Learby continued to stare angrily at Murphy knowing entirely his
ulterior motives. "Then we have an agreement. Let us get underway with
this new project and we'll pick volunteers for the mission at that time
as time is of the essence ! Dismissed !" and he clicked his feet
together in a kind of salute.
Everyone stood up suddenly, including Murphy and observed the same rite.
Learby left the room and Murphy made certain he was far behind him. Murphy
wanted to lead up this 'rescue' mission and didn't want any
uncomfortable questions by Learby to muck it up. He also had a dirty
trick up his sleeve that Central was most definitely not expecting.
PLANET EARTH: Year 0-0-2010, LOCATION: Secret Underground Organization of the Arkos Institute
Meanwhile back on Earth and miles underground at the Arkos Institute.
Arkos himself, twisted being that he was, was talking to the unconscious form of Stefani that he was a
Cylurean from the Spectral Dimension had released his grip on her
unconscious form and a 2nd wheelchair made for his design awaited him in
the next room.
He slithered over to it on his snake-like tail with considerable prowess
and climbed inside. Then he tapped a few controls and 4 large
mechanical arms descended from the ceiling to lift Stefani gently by her
shoulders and knees from the ground onto an operating table awaiting
her.
Arkos glided his chair forward to look at her. In his haste he bumped
his chair directly into the table so he could stretch a withered hand
across her forehead, almost in a loving reaction.
He then closed his hand tight forming a shadow over her and spoke to
himself in a tone full of venomous contempt, "This is the last time I
will have any problems with you dear Stefani. You can be certain of
that." he opened his hand and pointed a bony finger at her threateningly
and tapped another control with his other hand.
A darkness suddenly shrouded the entire room and pinpoint red laser dots
shone down from the ceiling to light up portions of her pretty hair to
assist with what would happen next.
LOCATION: Surface, city of Wanabee, Dev's hometown
Back at Waialaia Middle school, both me, and my name is Dev, and Lilly,
Tyr's bestest friend had finished up our classes for the day and were
walking home now. Today is my Birthday making me 18-years old and I
should be excited but I'm not.
I was still expressing concerns of my Birthday party being held at
Scant's, who was on obvious and somehow 'repentant' bully at school, but
Lilly, who was a few years younger than me but wiser in the ways of the
world was consoling me about it.
"I don't get it." I said confused as we started walking home, "Why is
Scant being so polite to me now ? I mean with all the swirlies, why the
sudden niceness ?"
Lilly smiled in a way that led me to believe that she was definitely a
bully herself earlier as she had told me. And while she only admitted
only to holding a camera so the video could be uploaded to MeScreen on
the internet for her classmates to watch in amusement.
I still wasn't
happy that she was any part of the abusive bullying behavior or of the
fact of it's long-term psychological damage.
I gave her a sour look. And that was all it took.
A soft giggle escaped her which she bit back suddenly. I looked to her
with a pained expression, "Lilly, I'm serious, it smells terr - " I
paused, exasperated that I should have to explain anything to her, "Look, it's
not funny, OKAY ?"
Lilly was gone in giggles now seeing how distressed I was over it, "Oh
yes it is ! When you - " and she held her hand out flat and thrust
it down suddenly giving a low whistle to show what happened when she did
it to other classmates. Then she grasped the air and moved it around
like was scrubbing someone's head in the bowl.
I looked to Lilly with new eyes as she suddenly held her nose with both
hands to show how nasty it was with an evil smile on her face. How could
I possibly trust her now if she did this horrible action to
other students ? I felt tears well up in my eyes. Was there no-one I
could turn to in the world now ?
"Geez, Dev, I'm sorry." she said, changing her tone noticing that I was seeing a
side of her I hadn't seen before. "It's really got you bummed out, huh ?
You know it's all in fun, Scant swirling your head in the commode at
school ? You know it's just a silly macho thing, doncha ?"
I squinted my eyes closed angrily to prevent any tears from flowing but
my voice was tight and angry, "Not when it happens every damned week,
Lilly ! Then it's notta game anymore ! It changes you, Lilly. Can't you
see that ? It takes away you being a human."
Lilly shook her head not understanding but I was in a definite rage now
and continued, "You start to lose track of time and who you are as a
person, you lose your identity and don't know WHERE you belong in the
world anymore because THEY say THAT - "
And I pointed my thumb down shakily to emphasize what I was saying,
"THAT is where I belong !" I cried and wiped my eyes which refused to
stop the tears from coming out now that I tried to look at her to see if
she had any shred of guilt on her face now.
Lilly suddenly rubbed my back comfortingly. "Well GEEZ ! You're not
supposed to let it happen for THAT long to ya ! Man, just say NO to them
or something, okay ? They're sick b******s if they carry it on that long. And
don't listen to them, 'kay ?"
I nodded but couldn't answer back. I know it all started with Sharon
holding my hand back in 3rd grade. If she wasn't there, I would've run
away the first time it happened to me. How could I relate the feelings I
felt when this one amazing held my hand through it all ?
I would do anything for that feeling again. To have my hand held. Anything. Even today.
You’ve put a lot of work into these stories. Why not put some time aside to work on the craft of the writer? At the moment, you’re still using the nonfiction writing skills we all learn in our school years. They’re meant to inform, not entertain, so they’re fact based, and author-centric. And because you’re using them for fiction, your story reads too much like a chronicle of events—a history, presented, as all histories are, by a dispassionate external observer, talking primarily in overview. The form is: “here’s the setting…here’s what ‘s happening…you need to know this…now, this happens…then someone says that…and that matters, because…”
Who buys history books as light reading, especially the history of fictional characters? I mean no disrespect, but as someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service, I can tell you that were this a submission it would be rejected quickly, because of the outside in approach.
The problem you face is that the primary purpose of fiction is to entertain. Your reader is looking for an emotional experience, not informational. And to move the reader emotionally the writing must be emotion, not fact-based, and character, not author-centric.
Never lose sight of the fact that your reader can neither see your performance nor hear the emotion in your voice. You can as you read, of course, so the voice in your head is alive with emotion. But your reader has only the emotion inherent to the wording, as modified by the punctuation. Have your computer read it aloud and you’ll hear what a reader gets, and I think you’ll find it’s nothing like what you hear as you read…or intend the reader to get.
It’s not a matter of talent or story. It’s that because our school-given writing skills touch not at all on the constraints and mandates our medium places on us, or the solutions developed over the years, we all leave our school years believing that we know how to write as a professional fiction writer defines that act.
If only. And reading fiction helps little, because as in any other profession, there are many tricks of the trade that are invisible till pointed out. In reading, we see the finished product, with all the imperfections polished away. To create that product, we need the process. So, hours spent acquiring that knowledge—a writer’s education—will be time well spent. And a great resource is the local library system’s, fiction writing section. My personal suggestion is to seek the names, Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover.
Not good news, I know, but I thought you would want to know.
Hang in there, and keep on writing.
Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Wow ... umm ... Gimme a sec, here. Reading ...
Ok, I see where this is going.
.. read moreWow ... umm ... Gimme a sec, here. Reading ...
Ok, I see where this is going.
Jay, years ago, I wrote video games. But I never learned to program.
Years ago, I played the piano. I wrote many compositions years ago. Won a silver award in talent competition at college. I never learned to play the piano though.
Years ago, I sang. I won a gold award for singing perfect soprano in a play then. I never had any voice lessons.
Years ago I was hired for typing. Today I can type about 135wpm with about 99% accuracy. I have never learned to type.
I learned a great deal of mathematics and concepts of handling data structures through my Guardian. A woman who visits me in my dreams. The math and calculations involved in S2 were for the most part what she taught me.
Understand I have learned to do many things without instruction. And maybe I'm just stubborn or something that prevents me from ever doing anything the right way.
Today I write silly little teen reader stories. Recent Star Wars, Lost In Space, and Lost Saucer fan-fiction included.
Sometimes the plot is tragic, sometimes silly, sometimes kinky, sometimes with pretty neat Sci-Fi stuff - or at least I think it's cool. :)
I have never taken any classes on writing.
What I'm getting at is, I do what I can do because I have patience. Once I learn the minimal amount of whatever it takes to do something, I fly with it. I find things out on my own, and maybe they are already written out. But I find great joy in discovering things for myself.
I never learned typing. Today I type using about 5-6 fingers only, including both thumbs. The keyboard is at a 45 degree angle (counter-clockwise) which forces accuracy out of me. And yet, I can still type with high speed.
When I did take a music class, I brought my own little electronic keyboard. The teacher singled me out and pointed out a single key and asked me what it was. I said that was a 2nd of the 3rd black. The teacher smiled, not nicely, and said, "I see you have made your own notation. If you plan to pass this class, you will need to unlearn all you have."
I quit the class right then much to the amusement of the other students. But it was college and I could do that, to replace it with a different class. Physics. And then I went on to write many pieces of music, mostly from my detailed dreams.
Now let's get to writing. Some of my favorite authors are Beverly Cleary, Judy Blume, and more recently Barbara Park for her Junie B. Jones series.
You can find a list of Junie B. Jones characters HERE:
http://juniebjones.com/characters
The Future Barrier books have well-known and recurring characters in them as well each with their own idiosyncrasies, history, and drives.
You can find a list of those characters HERE:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/dw817/1331675/
I have never thought my writing was ever professional, adult, or mature (by excellence and quality I mean). No, they are just teen reader stories with a lot of angst.
My friend, Chris monitors what I write and jokes with me that there are a bunch of teenage girls in Japan who must really like what I write because that's the style I've adopted. I'm not sure where he's seeing that.
But that's the way I write. With deep descriptions. To paint pictures in the mind. It is not so much focusing on the internal thoughts and turmoil of each actor as it is to put the reader directly in that environment and setting. Like describing a movie. That's how I write.
Understand also I am a strong believer of "Sybok" from Star Trek. He is Spock's half-brother. He believes that pain, anyone's pain, is something to be shared with others.
And that there is strength in the sharing. You don't keep your feelings all bottled up. You work it out.
The doctor I see every week for instance is very glad I am writing out in stories some the bullying and abuse that happened to me in the past instead of what some patients do who take it out physically on others, hunt down past transgressors, and wind up in very serious trouble trying to exact some form of revenge.
I was once offered to write up these silly little stories into books you can find on a bookshelf. But I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for the big time nor would I want it.
I'm quite content where I'm at, to write up these little chapters. A type of catharsis if you will, and even if there are no comments, I'm fine with that. Max Rabinowitz is a great influence for me in his book, "The Day They Scrambled My Brains In The Funny Factory."
My writing is sort of like a public diary. Many many stories are written from beyond vivid dreams.
These chapters have also gone over many many rewrites as well. To my longtime readers, they already know that I have deliberately left out and changed hundreds of pages of content for each of the Future Barrier books written so far. What I have left out is very painful indeed from the past and turns my stories more into accounts of pure abuse rather than a silly science fiction story about a magical and futuristic USB plugin.
Years ago before I thought of my readers, however, I wrote out quite thoroughly each chapter to the story from my extended dream and did not "hedge" around any controversial subject matter at all. I wrote it out in black and white, and Tom, one of my proofreaders and friends was the first to point out how "dark" the stories were.
Today I try to take consideration of my readers and, if there is abuse in the story, I include it only if it is absolutely integral to the flow of the story and even so I do not go into great detail anymore.
I also take Seroquel every night. If I don't, I hallucinate - and badly. A side effect of Anageria. You can see this in some of the rather scary and insane stories when my meds were unbalanced. Some chapters in Future Barrier may appear nightmarish indeed because of this.
I appreciate what you wrote, Jay. But under no circumstances will I ever be ready for the "big time." My stories are not that good.
I'm fine where I'm at. Trying to not get too graphic or violent in abuse, and at the same token have familiar faces from past stories that can be related with, embraced, perhaps some fondly, perhaps some infamously, and recognized for their position in the books. Focusing on the good and the amazing.
It's difficult for a movie to try and be a book with complete understanding through all stages. Take Frank Herbert's DUNE for instance. The 1984 video to me is a rock-solid 5-star production but critics say it generalized too much about the world of Dune and left out too much detail - despite being very close to 3-hours.
My writing style is specifically a book trying to be a movie. Including enough detail so the reader is actually there. They actually experience what the protagonist feels, what they see, what they say, and what they hear. I think this is an important attribute in writing and painfully missing except in so many teen reader books today.
Friends in the past have often called me a 7-pointed divot slammed firmly into a 6-pointed hole. Maslow's Law Of The Hammer, if you will. I know today I'm damaged goods, permanently, and perhaps that is reflected in the way I write.
But I know of no other writing style nor do I think I can change to a "better" one today.
Nor read any good books on writing fic.. read more• I have never taken any classes on writing.
Nor read any good books on writing fiction. Hardly a virtue. And given the lack of comments on chapter one, as a new posting, a demonstration of that fact.
Assuming you were a success in those other fields you mention, your belief that you can do anything you care to without bothering to learn the basics is short-sighted. Obviously, based on your approaqch to presenting the story, you're still thinking in terms of plot events as being what makes a story interesting—facts—when the reader came to be entertained by being made to live, not know the story. In other words, using the nonfiction skills we all learn in our school days, and use daily in our profession, in presenting fiction.
• Today I write silly little teen reader stories. Recent Star Wars, Lost In Space, and Lost Saucer fan-fiction included.
What you write is irrelevant. That you're writing a chronicle of events, from the outside in, instead from within the viewpoint of the players, matters.
It's not a matter of talent or potential, it's that you're still using the nonfiction skills we learned in grade-school. Everyone comes to writing fiction in that position because our teachers don't tell us we're learning only nonfiction writing skills.
• My writing style is specifically a book trying to be a movie.
No, it's pretty typical of what I see in hopeful writers, a transcription of themselves telling what's happening in the mental film they're watching. So everything a reader gets is in the voice of the narrator—a voice that only you can hear, making what the reader gets devoid of any trace of emotion.
You forget that your intent dribbles from the words at the keyboard. For the reader, the meaning is what the words and their placement suggests to THEM, based on THEIR background. They can't mentally see the expressions and body-language of your actors. They can't hear the emotion you hear in the telling. For you it's a living story. For them it's someone they can neither see nor hear explaining events they've not been made to care about.
And as such you use only sight and sound of the five senses. No one observes and analyzes before acting. Instead of making the reader react to the situation emotionally, you report emotion dispassionately, with something like " I felt tears well up in my eyes." But tears aren't something you discover. They're the result of emotional reaction. So reporting them, as against wiping them away, or trying to suppress them, is as dispassionate as saying the character noticed that their bladder was full. It makes the reader know, when they really want you to make THEM cry.
You intend to reinvent the wheel where writing is concerned? You figure that the reading you did taught you what you need to know, and that your muse will guide you? Okay, here's one for you, to test that idea:
Of the books in your personal library, more than half of them have something different about the first paragraph of each chapter. Given that you've seen this difference since you learned to read, you should instantly know what it is, and not have to look.
But ask any ten people and you'll find that almost all of them are unable to do so without looking. And if we miss something so damn obvious, what are the chances that you missed things far more critical that were right in front of you because, as they say, "art conceals art."
Did you get that scenes need to end in disaster for the protagonist, and why? How about why a scene goal is necessary and how to make it work for you? Do you know why, "Susan smiled when Jack came through the door," is a problem? Do you know why the structure of a scene on the screen is not like one on the page, and why that must be?
Those are pretty basic items, so you should—and would were you to have read a book on the basics, like Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer.
You like to write. That's great. You have the necessary perseverance. Another box ticked off.
But what's missing is the the necessary writing skills because we were given none of them in our school days. There, we were trained in the skills employers need, and we practiced them till they felt intuitive. Breaking those habits are a b***h. But without knowing WHAT needs to change, and why? Impossible.
But, you don't want to hear this, so I'll just bow out, with the suggestion that if you're going to spend so much time typing your stories, a few hours spent learning how writing to entertain differs from the nonfiction skills you own would be time wisely spent.
7 Years Ago
I think, if you'll pardon the expression, you are reading too much into this, Jay. :) Personally I l.. read moreI think, if you'll pardon the expression, you are reading too much into this, Jay. :) Personally I like what I wrote and do come back to read and often improvise what I've done by changing, adding, or removing content.
Every chapter I've ever written, well, really for anything, is invariably a cliff-hanger, or written in such a way that someone is encouraged to read the next chapter.
Comments back in Xanga were quite positive on this particular saga (Barrier 1 & 2) when I initially posted it. Then again, they weren't professional writers, likely not professional readers for that matter - and just enjoyed a good and sometimes strange fantasy story that like the 1960s Batman w Adam West promised a new episode once if not twice a week.
I'm pleased I have such a critic who is investigating all of my writings, not just this 3-book saga. :)
I will consider your words and look to the link you posted for adjusting my methods of writing. This is the best I can offer you, or turn that around, the best I can offer myself.
7 Years Ago
... Chris came by. He said I was not being nice at all in my replies here. Okay, well, I apologize f.. read more... Chris came by. He said I was not being nice at all in my replies here. Okay, well, I apologize for that. I'm kinna sorta sensitive about my work here.
He said he can see your viewpoint that I am mentioning characters as if everyone already knows them and that is not very easy to follow for new readers.
And, I am. So - I added at the top what and where each character fit in the previous stories. I will do this for all opening books.
And, I'll go to read what you wrote regarding improving my craft as a writer. Who knows ? The worst that could happen is I understand and agree with it. :)
You’ve put a lot of work into these stories. Why not put some time aside to work on the craft of the writer? At the moment, you’re still using the nonfiction writing skills we all learn in our school years. They’re meant to inform, not entertain, so they’re fact based, and author-centric. And because you’re using them for fiction, your story reads too much like a chronicle of events—a history, presented, as all histories are, by a dispassionate external observer, talking primarily in overview. The form is: “here’s the setting…here’s what ‘s happening…you need to know this…now, this happens…then someone says that…and that matters, because…”
Who buys history books as light reading, especially the history of fictional characters? I mean no disrespect, but as someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service, I can tell you that were this a submission it would be rejected quickly, because of the outside in approach.
The problem you face is that the primary purpose of fiction is to entertain. Your reader is looking for an emotional experience, not informational. And to move the reader emotionally the writing must be emotion, not fact-based, and character, not author-centric.
Never lose sight of the fact that your reader can neither see your performance nor hear the emotion in your voice. You can as you read, of course, so the voice in your head is alive with emotion. But your reader has only the emotion inherent to the wording, as modified by the punctuation. Have your computer read it aloud and you’ll hear what a reader gets, and I think you’ll find it’s nothing like what you hear as you read…or intend the reader to get.
It’s not a matter of talent or story. It’s that because our school-given writing skills touch not at all on the constraints and mandates our medium places on us, or the solutions developed over the years, we all leave our school years believing that we know how to write as a professional fiction writer defines that act.
If only. And reading fiction helps little, because as in any other profession, there are many tricks of the trade that are invisible till pointed out. In reading, we see the finished product, with all the imperfections polished away. To create that product, we need the process. So, hours spent acquiring that knowledge—a writer’s education—will be time well spent. And a great resource is the local library system’s, fiction writing section. My personal suggestion is to seek the names, Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover.
Not good news, I know, but I thought you would want to know.
Hang in there, and keep on writing.
Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Wow ... umm ... Gimme a sec, here. Reading ...
Ok, I see where this is going.
.. read moreWow ... umm ... Gimme a sec, here. Reading ...
Ok, I see where this is going.
Jay, years ago, I wrote video games. But I never learned to program.
Years ago, I played the piano. I wrote many compositions years ago. Won a silver award in talent competition at college. I never learned to play the piano though.
Years ago, I sang. I won a gold award for singing perfect soprano in a play then. I never had any voice lessons.
Years ago I was hired for typing. Today I can type about 135wpm with about 99% accuracy. I have never learned to type.
I learned a great deal of mathematics and concepts of handling data structures through my Guardian. A woman who visits me in my dreams. The math and calculations involved in S2 were for the most part what she taught me.
Understand I have learned to do many things without instruction. And maybe I'm just stubborn or something that prevents me from ever doing anything the right way.
Today I write silly little teen reader stories. Recent Star Wars, Lost In Space, and Lost Saucer fan-fiction included.
Sometimes the plot is tragic, sometimes silly, sometimes kinky, sometimes with pretty neat Sci-Fi stuff - or at least I think it's cool. :)
I have never taken any classes on writing.
What I'm getting at is, I do what I can do because I have patience. Once I learn the minimal amount of whatever it takes to do something, I fly with it. I find things out on my own, and maybe they are already written out. But I find great joy in discovering things for myself.
I never learned typing. Today I type using about 5-6 fingers only, including both thumbs. The keyboard is at a 45 degree angle (counter-clockwise) which forces accuracy out of me. And yet, I can still type with high speed.
When I did take a music class, I brought my own little electronic keyboard. The teacher singled me out and pointed out a single key and asked me what it was. I said that was a 2nd of the 3rd black. The teacher smiled, not nicely, and said, "I see you have made your own notation. If you plan to pass this class, you will need to unlearn all you have."
I quit the class right then much to the amusement of the other students. But it was college and I could do that, to replace it with a different class. Physics. And then I went on to write many pieces of music, mostly from my detailed dreams.
Now let's get to writing. Some of my favorite authors are Beverly Cleary, Judy Blume, and more recently Barbara Park for her Junie B. Jones series.
You can find a list of Junie B. Jones characters HERE:
http://juniebjones.com/characters
The Future Barrier books have well-known and recurring characters in them as well each with their own idiosyncrasies, history, and drives.
You can find a list of those characters HERE:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/dw817/1331675/
I have never thought my writing was ever professional, adult, or mature (by excellence and quality I mean). No, they are just teen reader stories with a lot of angst.
My friend, Chris monitors what I write and jokes with me that there are a bunch of teenage girls in Japan who must really like what I write because that's the style I've adopted. I'm not sure where he's seeing that.
But that's the way I write. With deep descriptions. To paint pictures in the mind. It is not so much focusing on the internal thoughts and turmoil of each actor as it is to put the reader directly in that environment and setting. Like describing a movie. That's how I write.
Understand also I am a strong believer of "Sybok" from Star Trek. He is Spock's half-brother. He believes that pain, anyone's pain, is something to be shared with others.
And that there is strength in the sharing. You don't keep your feelings all bottled up. You work it out.
The doctor I see every week for instance is very glad I am writing out in stories some the bullying and abuse that happened to me in the past instead of what some patients do who take it out physically on others, hunt down past transgressors, and wind up in very serious trouble trying to exact some form of revenge.
I was once offered to write up these silly little stories into books you can find on a bookshelf. But I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for the big time nor would I want it.
I'm quite content where I'm at, to write up these little chapters. A type of catharsis if you will, and even if there are no comments, I'm fine with that. Max Rabinowitz is a great influence for me in his book, "The Day They Scrambled My Brains In The Funny Factory."
My writing is sort of like a public diary. Many many stories are written from beyond vivid dreams.
These chapters have also gone over many many rewrites as well. To my longtime readers, they already know that I have deliberately left out and changed hundreds of pages of content for each of the Future Barrier books written so far. What I have left out is very painful indeed from the past and turns my stories more into accounts of pure abuse rather than a silly science fiction story about a magical and futuristic USB plugin.
Years ago before I thought of my readers, however, I wrote out quite thoroughly each chapter to the story from my extended dream and did not "hedge" around any controversial subject matter at all. I wrote it out in black and white, and Tom, one of my proofreaders and friends was the first to point out how "dark" the stories were.
Today I try to take consideration of my readers and, if there is abuse in the story, I include it only if it is absolutely integral to the flow of the story and even so I do not go into great detail anymore.
I also take Seroquel every night. If I don't, I hallucinate - and badly. A side effect of Anageria. You can see this in some of the rather scary and insane stories when my meds were unbalanced. Some chapters in Future Barrier may appear nightmarish indeed because of this.
I appreciate what you wrote, Jay. But under no circumstances will I ever be ready for the "big time." My stories are not that good.
I'm fine where I'm at. Trying to not get too graphic or violent in abuse, and at the same token have familiar faces from past stories that can be related with, embraced, perhaps some fondly, perhaps some infamously, and recognized for their position in the books. Focusing on the good and the amazing.
It's difficult for a movie to try and be a book with complete understanding through all stages. Take Frank Herbert's DUNE for instance. The 1984 video to me is a rock-solid 5-star production but critics say it generalized too much about the world of Dune and left out too much detail - despite being very close to 3-hours.
My writing style is specifically a book trying to be a movie. Including enough detail so the reader is actually there. They actually experience what the protagonist feels, what they see, what they say, and what they hear. I think this is an important attribute in writing and painfully missing except in so many teen reader books today.
Friends in the past have often called me a 7-pointed divot slammed firmly into a 6-pointed hole. Maslow's Law Of The Hammer, if you will. I know today I'm damaged goods, permanently, and perhaps that is reflected in the way I write.
But I know of no other writing style nor do I think I can change to a "better" one today.
Nor read any good books on writing fic.. read more• I have never taken any classes on writing.
Nor read any good books on writing fiction. Hardly a virtue. And given the lack of comments on chapter one, as a new posting, a demonstration of that fact.
Assuming you were a success in those other fields you mention, your belief that you can do anything you care to without bothering to learn the basics is short-sighted. Obviously, based on your approaqch to presenting the story, you're still thinking in terms of plot events as being what makes a story interesting—facts—when the reader came to be entertained by being made to live, not know the story. In other words, using the nonfiction skills we all learn in our school days, and use daily in our profession, in presenting fiction.
• Today I write silly little teen reader stories. Recent Star Wars, Lost In Space, and Lost Saucer fan-fiction included.
What you write is irrelevant. That you're writing a chronicle of events, from the outside in, instead from within the viewpoint of the players, matters.
It's not a matter of talent or potential, it's that you're still using the nonfiction skills we learned in grade-school. Everyone comes to writing fiction in that position because our teachers don't tell us we're learning only nonfiction writing skills.
• My writing style is specifically a book trying to be a movie.
No, it's pretty typical of what I see in hopeful writers, a transcription of themselves telling what's happening in the mental film they're watching. So everything a reader gets is in the voice of the narrator—a voice that only you can hear, making what the reader gets devoid of any trace of emotion.
You forget that your intent dribbles from the words at the keyboard. For the reader, the meaning is what the words and their placement suggests to THEM, based on THEIR background. They can't mentally see the expressions and body-language of your actors. They can't hear the emotion you hear in the telling. For you it's a living story. For them it's someone they can neither see nor hear explaining events they've not been made to care about.
And as such you use only sight and sound of the five senses. No one observes and analyzes before acting. Instead of making the reader react to the situation emotionally, you report emotion dispassionately, with something like " I felt tears well up in my eyes." But tears aren't something you discover. They're the result of emotional reaction. So reporting them, as against wiping them away, or trying to suppress them, is as dispassionate as saying the character noticed that their bladder was full. It makes the reader know, when they really want you to make THEM cry.
You intend to reinvent the wheel where writing is concerned? You figure that the reading you did taught you what you need to know, and that your muse will guide you? Okay, here's one for you, to test that idea:
Of the books in your personal library, more than half of them have something different about the first paragraph of each chapter. Given that you've seen this difference since you learned to read, you should instantly know what it is, and not have to look.
But ask any ten people and you'll find that almost all of them are unable to do so without looking. And if we miss something so damn obvious, what are the chances that you missed things far more critical that were right in front of you because, as they say, "art conceals art."
Did you get that scenes need to end in disaster for the protagonist, and why? How about why a scene goal is necessary and how to make it work for you? Do you know why, "Susan smiled when Jack came through the door," is a problem? Do you know why the structure of a scene on the screen is not like one on the page, and why that must be?
Those are pretty basic items, so you should—and would were you to have read a book on the basics, like Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer.
You like to write. That's great. You have the necessary perseverance. Another box ticked off.
But what's missing is the the necessary writing skills because we were given none of them in our school days. There, we were trained in the skills employers need, and we practiced them till they felt intuitive. Breaking those habits are a b***h. But without knowing WHAT needs to change, and why? Impossible.
But, you don't want to hear this, so I'll just bow out, with the suggestion that if you're going to spend so much time typing your stories, a few hours spent learning how writing to entertain differs from the nonfiction skills you own would be time wisely spent.
7 Years Ago
I think, if you'll pardon the expression, you are reading too much into this, Jay. :) Personally I l.. read moreI think, if you'll pardon the expression, you are reading too much into this, Jay. :) Personally I like what I wrote and do come back to read and often improvise what I've done by changing, adding, or removing content.
Every chapter I've ever written, well, really for anything, is invariably a cliff-hanger, or written in such a way that someone is encouraged to read the next chapter.
Comments back in Xanga were quite positive on this particular saga (Barrier 1 & 2) when I initially posted it. Then again, they weren't professional writers, likely not professional readers for that matter - and just enjoyed a good and sometimes strange fantasy story that like the 1960s Batman w Adam West promised a new episode once if not twice a week.
I'm pleased I have such a critic who is investigating all of my writings, not just this 3-book saga. :)
I will consider your words and look to the link you posted for adjusting my methods of writing. This is the best I can offer you, or turn that around, the best I can offer myself.
7 Years Ago
... Chris came by. He said I was not being nice at all in my replies here. Okay, well, I apologize f.. read more... Chris came by. He said I was not being nice at all in my replies here. Okay, well, I apologize for that. I'm kinna sorta sensitive about my work here.
He said he can see your viewpoint that I am mentioning characters as if everyone already knows them and that is not very easy to follow for new readers.
And, I am. So - I added at the top what and where each character fit in the previous stories. I will do this for all opening books.
And, I'll go to read what you wrote regarding improving my craft as a writer. Who knows ? The worst that could happen is I understand and agree with it. :)