03. If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
04. She was unstoppable. Not because she didn't have failures or doubts. No, but because she continued on despite them.
05. My favorite place is inside your hug.
06. Runny nose ? Push your tongue against the top of your mouth and push a finger between your eyebrows. Hold for 20-seconds.
07. When English teachers put more thought into a novel than the actual author did.
08. Sex involves the body. Great sex involves the mind.
09. That moment when the quietest person in your class answers a question and says something incredibly hilarious and unexpected.
10. I set my clock ahead to prevent me from being late ... all it really does is sharpen my subtraction skills.
11. If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.
12. That awkward moment when you're not sure if you actually have free time - or if you're just forgetting everything.
13. And a sign on the ATM reads, Pen is broken-please use finger. Yes, I see it too.
14. Classy, sassy, and a bit smart-assy.
15. Sunglasses are always more expensive if there is writing in the corner of the left lens.
16. MATH. Mental Abuse To Humans.
17. And a sign in Geometry class reads, "Are you cold ? Come sit in the corner. It's 90 degrees."
18. I like messy people; people who don't fit in a box or stay between the lines, but whose integrity is greater than any rule book and whose loyalty is stronger than blood.
19. Don't yell at your kids. Lean in and whisper. It's much scarier for them.
20. I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and even my mind.
21. COFFEE solves everything.
22. If you want something you never had - you have to do something you've never done.
23. Sometimes bacteria is the only culture people have.
24. CHOCOLATE doesn't ask silly questions. CHOCOLATE understands.
25. I am in a dead silent classroom of about 30 people taking tests. Your stomach says, "I will now demonstrate a whale's mating call."
26. In the 1960s, the CIA tried to spy on the Kremlin and Russian embassies by turning cats into listening devices. The program was called Acoustic Kitty and involved surgically implanting batteries, microphones, and antennae inside living cats..
27. You can't leave me. I need you. What, you do ? Yes, you are so very important in my life - to give me a ride home.
28. If you're waiting for me to care, you might want to pack a lunch. It could be a-while.
29. I found a new project to crochet. None of my 5,000 skeins of yarn are right for it.
30. The human mind is naturally happier when it has something to look forward to and is less likely to experience depression when kept busy.
31. Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a gang sign, a heiroglyph, and the fresh blood of a virgin.
32. Coach: "This practice is going to be challenging for all of you !" Team: "Oh good lord, we're gonna die !"
33. It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.
34. If a shirt shrinks, put it in a bowl with iced water and 1 cup of hair conditioner. It will restore to normal size.
35. Love hurts. Boys lie. Friends cry. People die. Parents yell. You try. You're never good enough, and you don't know why.
36. It's kinda fun to do the impossible daily.
37. I never said I hated you. I just said that if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows. See the difference ?
38. Women are permitted to use PMS as an alibi to defend themselves in court.
39. Michael Jackson attempted to buy up Marvel Comics Inc in the 1990s simply because he wanted to play Spider-Man.
40. Little old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs aren't fooling me. They are really retired mermaids.
41. The fight scene on top of a train in SKYFALL was actually filmed on top of a real moving train, and Daniel Craig did not use a stunt double for the performance.
42. Deductions from a lock on a door. Scratches in it mean that the person was shaking when using the key. Fear or cold would cause lots of small nicks, while long deep scratches around the keyhole indicate drunkenness.
43. No, I don't sugar coat my stuff. I'm not Willy Wonka.
44. Whiskey toothpaste ! Contains 6 proof, now in Scotch or Bourbon. Here's a real he-man toothpaste, best argument yet for brushing 3-times a day. Purchase from Greenland Studios.
45. Keep calm and watch DISNEY MOVIES.
46. Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish. The time will pass anyways. Might as well use it productively.
47. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I will accept.
48. Where are you going ? To go out for ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
49. Your teenager thinks. Why do some couples make their status "single" every time they fight ? I don't put "orphan" on mine when I get into a fight with my parents.
50. Life is still full of questions. Idiots are still full of answers.
I've been working on this series for very close to 3-years now !
Next week, April 27th 2015 will herald the completion of these Wit & Wisdom entries.
To see =ALL= the posts I have made so far for Wit & Wisdom, go HERE.
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