03. Computer freezes up. Press ALL the keys !
04. B̶I̶O̶ ̶A̶D̶O̶P̶T̶I̶V̶E̶ ̶F̶O̶S̶T̶E̶R̶ ̶S̶T̶E̶P̶ - It's not the word before parent that defines but rather the love and dedication in the parent's heart.
05. I am multi-talented ! I can talk, annoy, and irritate you all at the same time !
06. You know you're a parent when ... it takes longer to get everyone in the car than to run the actual errand.
07. "Today me will live in the moment - unless it's unpleasant - in which case me will eat a cookie." - Cookie Monster
08. When someone tells you, "You have too many shoes." You give them that LOOK.
09. All the American flags placed on the moon are now white due to radiation from the sun.
10. Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.
11. Of course size matters to me sweetie. I like a BIG cup for my coffee.
12. Thanks for your concern, but no, I'm not sick, or dying, or sad. I just forgot to put eye makeup on this morning.
13. They say laughter is the best medicine. They lie. It's brownies.
14. In 1967 a magazine published a fake story about extracting hallucinogenic chemicals from banana skins to raise moral questions about banning drugs. People didn't realize it was a hoax and tried to smoke banana peels to get high.
15. Happy Father's Day from the kid you inadvertently inherited when you decided to shack up with Mom.
16. I put the PRO in procrastinate.
17. After an argument has ended, I always think of awesome things I could've said but didn't.
18. Sometimes I have to tell myself it's just not worth the jail time.
19. Some people say they could never work with sick kids, but for me it's the opposite ... They have this will to survive that is so strong. They never give up. You can't ask for more than that.
20. Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want ... and just see what happens.
21. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. But the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
22. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't shoot their husbands.
23. Parenting hack: When punishing your kids don't take away their electronics. Just take their charger and watch the fear in their eyes as they use it less and less while the battery slowly dies.
24. I feel a spree coming on. It's either a shopping one or a killing one. The choice is totally up to you.
25. I can't take this long distance relationship with you anymore. I love you so much. Fridge, you're moving into my room.
26. SEXISM
Because boys are bullied for being weak.
Because we think them showing weakness is girly.
Because we think a guy who is a virgin is sad.
Because we think boys with girly interests are shameful.
Because we think men hurt by women are pathetic.
Because even girls insult guys for being "sissy."
Because most insults towards men attack their masculinity.
Because it's shameful for men to be weak.
Because it's shameful for men to be "like women."
Because the same sexism that hurts women ALSO hurts men.
Sexism isn't "us vs them," it's "us vs our lack of mutual understanding."
Because if we work together, we can end sexism that hurts both sides.
27. I just wanna lay my head on somebody's lap and them pet my hair till I fall asleep because that's the sweetest most comforting thing ever.
28. Our family must be God's favorite sitcom.
29. "Come Together" was the last song all four of the Beatles made together - before they broke up.
30. That awkward moment when your family's guest finally says goodbye, but two hours later they are still saying their goodbyes.
31. Teenager looks at their school textbook and thinks, "What a perfectly good waste of a tree."
32. Everyone is having babies and I'm over here like, "Look at these 500 pictures of my dog !"
33. Available balance: $0.86. Didn't go negative. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED !
34. I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.
35. They say ignorance is bliss but I find yours rather disturbing.
36. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
37. Trying to embarrass me is so unnecessary. I do it just fine by myself.
38. When one door closes, sometimes you want get a hammer and nails to make sure that flipping thing stays shut.
39. We take photos as a return ticket to a moment otherwise gone.
40. There's no point in fighting with someone that you don't respect.
41. I don't shave my legs for my boyfriend. I shave my legs for the woman who gives me a pedicure.
42. At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.
43. Maruchan Ramen ... Because you're most likely a poor college student.
44. If I really like you, I'll be sarcastic and tease you relentlessly. If I don't like you, I'll be very polite and pleasant. Now don't mix the two of those up.
45. If looks could really kill, then my profession would be staring.
46. That confusing moment when you wake up from a nap and don't know what day it is.
47. An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back, it means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, aim, and FIRE !
48. I had plain greek yogurt this morning with my friends, then a modest salad for lunch in the cafeteria with my friends. For dinner at home I ate the entire contents of my refrigerator.
49. People think I'm just cute and shy, but in truth I really have no interest in talking to any of you idiots.
50. YOU THERE. The one reading this now. I want you to do something.
SMILE !
Smile because you're beautiful.
Because you're amazing.
Because you're unique.
Because you can.
Because tomorrow is a new day.
Because no matter what you think, someone loves you.
SMILE because you deserve to !
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