02. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
03. I'm just gonna file that one under, "Who gives a crap ?"
04. Don't judge me ... If you're reading this, then you're not working either.
05. People today are like, "Only God can judge my actions." and I'm like, "Wait - shouldn't that scare you ?"
06. You make that special face when you witness Karma in it's full and glorious splendor.
07. How to tell the difference between a bee or a wasp:
BEE
1. Pollinates flowers.
2. Makes honey
3. Improves the environment
WASP
1. Just an a*****e.
08. If I had a dollar for every fictional character I had feelings for, I could actually afford the therapy that I need.
09. When people get mad and speed past you. And you both end up at the same red light together. That's the time to make your special face at them.
10. I think I got it ... but just in case, tell me the whole thing again. I wasn't listening.
11. Success doesn't happen overnight. Keep your eyes on the prize and don't look back.
12. Your cat gives you that cute look and says, "Something happened in the bathroom ... and I love you =SO= much !"
13. I don't think there will be enough coffee or middle fingers for this Monday.
14. Forget the glass slipper - THIS princess wears soccer cleats.
15. I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.
16. You give them THAT LOOK when you get home and find someone ate all the food you were thinking about all day.
17. I don't always get a sore throat. But when I do, I swallow every five seconds to see if it still hurts.
18. It may be that not everyone likes me. But then again, not everyone matters.
19. I drink water constantly. Flavored water. Made from all natural ingred- Fine. It's coffee. Happy ?
20. Next time you accuse a teenage girl of overreacting, just remember that a whole bunch of elderly white men shut down the government because they weren't getting their way.
21. Get lost in nature and you will f̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶s̶e̶l̶f̶. quite possibly die.
22. I'm running out of reasons not to stab you.
23. I'm not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I'm addicted to escaping reality.
24. Poli means many and Tics means bloodsucking creatures in Latin - so if we combine them together, we have Politics, which means many bloodsucking creatures.
25. I'm sorry you're still having problems. However, it usually helps to get your medications filled and to take them regularly.
To the person who keeps stealing my sandwiches (Turkey and Swiss with mayo on rye), This is ridiculous. We are all full-grown adults, not children. Please take responsibility for your actions and stop stealing other people's property !
A short time later a new printed note appears:
Dear Turkey and Swiss on Rye, I have your precious sandwich, it's safe. For now. Put 10-dollars on the plate in the fridge or you'll never see it undigested again.
To which she replied:
Dear Sandwich Thief, Please grow up and just return my sandwich ! This is very unprofessional ! If I ever find out who's doing this I won't hesitate to CONTACT HR !
To which the thief replied:
For every hour you continue to refuse my demands, I'll remove another bite of this sandwich. Please take this seriously. We are professionals, after all.
She wrote,
Why are you doing this ?
The thief wrote,
Tick tock, T-Swiss, Tick. Tock.
She wrote,
Dear Sandwich Thief, Hi. This is Tina from HR. Please return the sandwich and we won't investigate the matter any further.
The thief wrote,
Buy me a pizza.
She wrote,
No.
The thief wrote back,
By the way ... I'm not even going to eat it. Just gonna chew it up and spit it out. How does that make you feel ?
She wrote,
You're the worst !!
The thief wrote,
Oh my dear T-Swizzle. I'm so very far from being the worst. Mankind's flaws can't be judged on such a simple spectrum as that. Open your eyes. You lash out at such pettiness, but ignore the hideous nature of the world at large.
There is a hunger, my dear Turkey and Swiss on Rye, a hunger that is spreading from the deepest, darkest pits of this hellish corporate chasm. This sandwich is the birthcry of a new era, and when the revolution finally comes, pitiful vagrants like yourself will be the first to be devoured.
The deed is done. Weep for the world you once knew. For it is but crumbs upon the sill of despair. Soon to be swept away by the righteous gusts of Change.
To which Tina replied:
Hi, Tina from HR again. Francis, we checked the office's printer queue and traced the requests back to your desk. Could you please come to see me at your earliest convenience.
To which he meekly replied below her note,
I'm sorry please don't fire me.
27. I'll have you know that my girlfriend and me spent 6-hours assembling Ikea Furniture - and we only threatened to break up twice.
28. As a kid, my little sister was a pain in the a*s. Now she's the one I call to help me plan your disappearance. That's what I call sisterly love.
29. I love routine - until I'm bored. Then I love excitement - until I'm overwhelmed. Then I love routine.
30. If you're funny, you're automatically 79% more attractive. Beauty fades but sarcasm is forever.
31. I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them ? Do I stare at his face ? Do I look at the ceiling ? I mean, what's the proper etiquette here ?
32. If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there's a 33% chance you are being used as a napkin.
33. There's no such thing as a dirty mind. It's just a sense of humor with adult content.
34. Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve ? For thou art a d****e.
35. My kids call it "yelling" when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for the selective listener.
36. There is no "we" in FOOD.
37. My Father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later. But once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So - be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.
38. I can't help thinking that this would be a better world if everyone would just listen to me.
39.
Me: Let me sleep.
Brain: No, let's stay awake and remember every stupid decision you made in your life.
Me: Okay.
40. I'm not wearing a dress to look pretty. I'm wearing a dress because it's hot as hell out here and I don't feel like wearing pants.
41. And as your cat is sharpening her claws on your couch she is thinking, "Ugly couch. Must die."
42. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.
43. I've been single for a-while, and I have to say, it's going very well. Like ... it's working out. I think I'm the one.
44. At least once a day, allow yourself the freedom to think and dream.
45. I have to be successful because I like expensive things.
46. Well, SOMEBODY put their maxi pad on tape side up today !
47. Girl, please. I am in the mood to beat someone's a*s today and you've been at the top of my life for very long, long time !
48. A person can hate you for 1 of 3 reasons.
1) They want to be you. (jealousy)
2) They hate themselves. (low self esteem)
3) They see you as a threat (paranoia)
49. If she loves horror movies, never let her go.
50. Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a-while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family.
They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better more in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.
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