A child asked Father, "How are people born ?"
The Father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to Mother and asked the same question.
She replied, "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to Father and said, "You lied to me !"
The father was quick to reply, "No, your Mom was talking about her side of the family."
02. Run like Gαѕтση just proposed to you !
03. Toss High, Catch Hard, Dance Big, and SMILE your heart out.
04. Don't judge me. You can't handle half of what I've dealt with. There's a reason I do the things I do, there's a reason I am who I am.
05. It works like this. Drink coffee - get stuff done.
06.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Promise a man someone else's fish each day and you create a lifelong Democratic voter.
07. Real men can play football in the rain or in the snow.
But - not in the dark, cause that's kinna scary.
08. If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo - never let them go.
09. Justin Bieber wrote recently, "I hate anime." Just one more reason to hate him.
10. I'm glad everyone is having such a delightful day walking slow as hell in front of me in the shopping mall.
11. ♪ Ain't no sandwich when she's gone ... ♫
12. I have approximate knowledge of many random things. No worries.
13. Today I don't feel like doing anything - except you.
14. Why is Peter Pan always flying ? Cause he Neverlands.
15. Pavlov ? That name rings a bell.
16. Grumpy Cat says, "Your gift - is in the litter box."
17. You're not really drinking alone if - the dog is home.
18. People with Samsung Galaxies: "Go away, I love my brick !"
19. Wine Taster - will work for free !
20. Watching Hoarders is the only thing that inspires me to do housework.
21. Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
22. I know what I bring to the table. So trust me when I say - I'm not afraid to eat alone.
23. Awkward moments for women: Sneezing is more about crossing your legs tight than covering your mouth.
24. Teenage moment: I can literally tell which one of my family members is coming up the stairs or walking around the house just from their footsteps.
25. I can't keep calm cause - I miss my bestfriend.
26. A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do.
I don't want a doll, no dinky tinker toys
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you ?
He won't have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door -
That's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs.
Oh what a joy, Oh what a BIG surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there !
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceros,
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me, too !
27. I think I've always been half out of my shell and half in. Sometimes I can be extremely wild and sometimes I can be extremely shy. It just depends on the day.
Okay, so I was out doing Christmas stuff most of the day, I'm back, it's 7pm, and I'm gonna try to finish this W&W tonite !
28. That terrifying moment when your cat enters your room, stares at something you can't see, and then runs away in panic.
29. Napolean Bonaparte kept his hand in his vest and on his stomach due to his abdominal pains, not any kind of fashion custom. He died of stomach cancer.
30. Instead of buying each other gifts we don't want this year, let's all buy ourselves something we really want and bring it in for a Show And Tell.
31. I'm trying to be awesome today, but I'm exhausted from being so freakin' awesome yesterday.
32. Falling air pressure causes pain in bird's ears. So if birds are flying low to the ground, it almost always means a thunderstorm is coming.
33. No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping-paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone on the head with.
34. If you're going to be weird, be confident about it.
35. 2nd Grade Failings: Did I really just call my teacher Mom ?
36. Teenage Post: Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I've talked to - like I'm really sorry.
37. Too many people are walking around me that are undermedicated and unsupervised.
38. No-one is afraid of heights. They are afraid of the fall. no-one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it.
39. When Mommy jumps up to spank your butt - that's when you know - IT JUST GOT REAL.
40. The first alarm clock was a candle with nails in it. You pushed the nail in at the desired length and when the candle melted to that point, the nail would fall and clank on to the metal holder alerting you - the time is up.
41. I clean when I'm frustrated. So if you show up unannounced and my house is spotless - you just might want to reconsider your visit.
42. Being told you're appreciated is one of the most simple and yet incredibly uplifting things you can ever hear.
43. Don't wait until you've reached your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you took towards reaching that goal.
44. Only an act of TRUE LOVE can thaw a FROZEN HEART.
45. My dog winks at me sometimes ... and I always wink back - just in case it's some kind of secret code.
46. ♫ When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hips, thighs, and rear ! ♪
47. Willy Wonka says, "Come with me - and you will be - in a world of pure imagination ..."
48. Warning ! This house is protected by a burglar alarm. It tells me when you are in my house. My gun, however, tells me - not for long !
49. I have to be successful because I like expensive things in life.
50. FOR MY BEST FRIEND
I take you to be my best friend, my faithful partner, and my one True Love. I promise to encourage you and inspire you and to love you truly through good times and bad.
I will FOREVER be there to laugh with you, to lift you up when you are down and to love you unconditionally through all our adventures in life together.
Because you are my very best friend ...
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