01. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but carefully chosen words leave psychological wounds that will never heal.
02. Let's cuddle in the wintertime - so I can steal your body heat.
03. Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on Earth should that mean it is not real ?
04. I tried to be normal once. Worst two-minutes of my life.
05. That fail moment when you attempt to pull your blanket up in the light and wind up punching yourself in the face instead.
06. Hey, I can be social if I want to. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.
07. Please stop mistaking my wonderful sense of humor as flirtation. Just because I make you laugh does not necessarily mean that I want you. I'm just naturally gifted this way.
08. You seem to be very educated on the things you make up. (My sister tells me this a lot)
09. I can look you dead in your face while you're talking, and still not hear a single word you say.
10. Suddenly I'm wishing I knew what that professor has been talking about for the past 17 weeks.
11. Hard times require furious dancing.
12. Once in your life you did try to guess someone's password, but failed.
13. Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.
14. Life's a b***h. And some days, it even has puppies.
15. You have no idea how much I like you, how much you make me smile, how much I love talking to you, or how much I wish you were mine.
16. There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited, and it's usually a prescription.
17. Grumpy Kitty says, "You're donating your brain to science ? As what, a paperweight ?"
18. Walking around the Mall with your friends when you see your Mom. Walk away, act cool !
19. As a shopper you may find this helpful. If the price ends in an 8, it will be marked down again. If it ends in a 4 it's the lowest price it will be before it is removed from the shelf.
20. I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, well, that was me.
21. And when you are pumping gas, you read $19.99. Just - one - more - baby - squeeze. $20.01. D****t !
22. And when I hit the floor, will you lay there with me and remind me how to breathe ?
23. Hey look, this is cool, it's bendable ! *SNAP* Umm, nevermind.
24. I can't get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.
25. Let's have a staff meeting and discuss things that should happen but never actually do.
Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday
treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
27. I'm not where I need to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be.
28. I literally have to remind myself all the time, that being afraid of things going wrong isn't the way to make things go right.
29. You and I are BFF. Always remember that if you fall, I will always be there to pick you up. That is - after I finish laughing.
30. OK, so I typed it wrong. Now if you could tell me whether it's my username OR my password, that would be great !
31. Dear treadmill, I hate you - but I need you. Our relationship is a complicated one.
32. This is your butthole. · This is butthole in prison. O Don't shoplift.
33. Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a w***e for a hug.
34. If no-one comes from the future to stop you from doing something bad - how bad can it be ?
35. I'm afraid if I give up coffee I'll have to replace it with something suitable - like murder.
36. What if women had apostrophes instead of periods ? They'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
37. Your cat says, "I really do want you to pet me. But I also kinda want to bite you."
38. Mom: "Did you get home safe ?" Reply: "No, Mom. I died a few times, but got over it."
39. Have you ever noticed that a woman's, "Be ready in 5-minutes," and a man's, "Be home in 5-minutes" are exactly the same time ?
40. TO DO LIST: n̶o̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶
41.
Her: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for 2 weeks.
Him:That's too bad, what did your dentist say ?
Her: ... !!
42. I'm sarcastic because punching people in the face is frowned upon.
43. That one password you use for everything - and if anyone ever figured it out, they could single-handedly access everything you've protected.
44. Maturing is realizing how many things don't require your comment.
45. Be a FRUIT LOOP in a world full of CHEERIOS.
46. Hey, I don't need to flirt. If I want you, I will seduce you with my awkwardness.
47. Lesson one: Only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.
48. I'm not short. I'm just concentrated awesomeness.
49. You drink too much and you have questionable morals. You are everything I ever wanted in a friend.
50. IF YOU EVER FALL IN LOVE ...
Fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest, just to hear your heart beat.
Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you.
Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE the one they would love to wake up to each and every day.
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