01. YOUR PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE
Whenever life gets you down,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough !
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour.
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned -
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day.
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the 'milky way.'
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle - sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point
And we go 'round every two hundred million years.
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz.
As fast as it can go, the speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth.
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth !
02. Just how does that salesman get oil from the snake anyways ?
03. I have no clue why I am out of bed.
04. The 52 playing cards in a typical deck represents the 52 weeks in a year and four suits represent the four seasons.
05. That was the longest weekend. I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow. Said NO ONE EVER.
06. Don't let affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.
07. Take me to art museums and make out with me, she said. But they said not to touch the masterpieces, he said. She smiled, I don't deserve you but I'm taking you anyways.
08. I don't always make frozen food. But when I do, I need to take the box out of the trash to read the directions.
09. Whenever there is an awkward silence at the dinner table, I think, what excellent boiled potatoes.
10. Oh no, we're gonna die ! Wait, think positive ! We're gonna die quickly !?
11. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Wait - it's gonna bug me if I don't.
12. The Titanic is a great lesson of why, "just the tip," can get you into a lot of trouble.
13. E.G.=Example given, I.E.=In essence. Now you know. You're welcome.
14. I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.
15. You're like the first slice of bread in the bag. Everyone touches you, but no-one really wants you.
16. The ending school bell has rung but the teacher keeps on talking. You make that special face.
17. Stop focusing on how Stressed you are and remember how Blessed you are.
18. I think it's so neat that everyone develops their own unique handwriting even though we're all taught to write our letters the same way.
19. Dad ! What ? Can you close my closet door. Why ? So monsters won't come out. What makes you think monsters can't open doors ... ??? You're not helping, Dad !
20. Intelligent men and women are easily annoyed by people in general but tend to say nothing in an attempt to avoid meaningless arguments.
21. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands. One is for helping yourself, and the other is for helping others.
22. I don't like you sometimes, but I love you ALWAYS.
23. When a boy calls you cute, he likes your face. When he calls you hot, he likes your body. But when he calls you beautiful, he likes your heart.
24. If you ever have to park in a city at night. Park in front of a bank. They're lit up and have cameras everywhere.
25. Slow runners make the fast ones look good. You're welcome.
26. SOME OF THE LAZIEST PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET:
1. Called the restaurant on cellphone to send the waiter back to my table.
2. Shot 10 Nerf darts at light switch, missed all of them, slept with lights on.
3. Used to have, 'clap on, clap off' lights for room. Clapping was too much work so made audio recording of sound and mapped to programmable key on computer keyboard.
4. Eat food directly from the cooking pot to save washing dishes.
5. Purchased 1000 pack of disposable plates and cutlery.
6. Dishes were piling up and started to smell, sprayed them with Febreze.
27. "Your password is weak." You're the weak one, input field, and you'll never know love or friendship and I feel sorry for you.
28. When a bag of chips is stuck in a vending machine, don't buy the same bag again to unjam it, buy something above, and enjoy both.
29. The iconic Alien is to us what we are to apes. Small, pale, big headed, and with unfathomable technology. We even abduct them for medical experiments.
30. Can't catch a fly ? Spray it with Windex, it won't be able to fly any more !
31. Teenager Post: Yes Mom, I understand !! *5 minutes later* Wait, what did she want me to do again ?
32. You can call 311 for a non-emergency call to the police.
33. If they don't know you personally, don't take it so.
34. Spiders hate peppermint oil. Put some in a squirt bottle with water. Spray your garage and door frames, they will run away.
35. I don't have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel right now.
36. I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see that you are unarmed.
37. The first 50-years of childhood are the toughest.
38. Create a phone contact called, "ignore" and make the ring tone of it silent. Add in the numbers of whomever you don't want to talk to.
39. That awkward moment when you've realized your muffin top has now become a pound cake.
40. The time you realize, your transition is not about becoming someone better, but by finally becoming the person you've always been.
41. If you have to put a loved animal to sleep, find a vet who will make a house call. The animal's last hour won't be spent in a place it hates.
42. At night, I can't sleep. In the morning, I can't wake up.
43. When it's after 2am, just go to sleep. Because the decisions you make after 2am ... are the wrong decisions.
44. We are living in an age where if you attempt to download any media, music, video, picture, or document and it has the extension of ".exe" , it is simply a virus. There is no such thing as a download booster, accelerator, or helper. Delete it and try a different source.
45. Respect your parents, they passed school without GOOGLE !
46. When lending someone your pen, keep the cap. No-one accidentally keeps a pen without it.
47. Sometimes you have to move on without certain people in your life. If they're meant to be there for you, they will catch up.
48. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.
49. Suspect someone's giving you the wrong phone number ? Read it back transposing two digits. If they correct you, it's legit.
50. Love can consign us to heaven or hell, but it always takes us somewhere.
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