01. Topics to bring up for ROOMMATE CONTRACTS:
+ Guests & Visitations
+ Cleanliness
+ Possession
+ Food
+ Study/Sleep Habits
+ Communications
+ Room Security
02. Want your house to smell great ? Put two caps of vanilla extract in a cup, place it in the over at 300 degrees for an hour and your house will smell like heaven.
03. How to enjoy Mondays. Step 1: You don't.
04. I'm afraid of people who aren't afraid of commitment.
05. Based on how I react when toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
06. Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, "You can see me ?"
07. I'm not anti-social. I'm selectively social. It's just that my standards are very high and most people just don't make the cut.
08. Ever hit some strange keys on your keyboard and all your typing starts to appear in a foreign language ? Press LEFT SHIFT and LEFT ALT simultaneously to get it back to normal.
09. Modern greeting card reads: "You are my favorite pain in the a*s."
10. A smart person knows what to say. A WISE person knows whether or not to say it.
11. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
12. Failed pick up. Him: "Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out." Her: "Okay, leave."
13. I hope you step on a LEGO. (Nothing personal) :)
14. When I am sad I shall eat Chocolate and sing Happy Songs.
15. One demon to another. Claudius: Humans are lame, why don't they have wings or horns like us ? Fernicci: It wouldn't work, humans can't even handle having different skin colors. How well do you really think that would go ?
16. Parenthood is like being in jail with tiny terrorists and food thieves who are constantly breaking your stuff.
17. You know you're in love love when you can't fall asleep. Because reality is finally better than your dreams.
18. I don't trust people who smile before 9am.
19. Even after all this time, the Sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.
20. I don't always walk around my house in socks. But when I do, I find the only wet spot on the kitchen floor.
21. I am =SO= over the cold already, it's not even that cold yet.
22. Dear Santa: This year, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And PLEASE don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
23. I admire people who barely have anything of their own but share it nonetheless.
24. Do you know what really makes me smile ? Facial muscles.
25. When they finally discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed that they are not it.
26. WHO MADE THIS STUPID THING ANYWAYS !?
27. You are about to exceed the limitations of my medications.
28. I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work.
29. Asking how my day at work went. Well, it's just like asking how a drive-by shooting went. I'm lucky I got out alive !
30. We all think it's time you put Sensitive Susie back in the box and learn to laugh at yourself like the rest of us do.
31. Instead of 140 characters, tweets should be limited to your IQ number.
32. When people talk about my driving, I ask them, "But did you die ?"
33. Reading won't solve your problems. But then again, neither will housework.
34. We should have Morgan Freeman speak every word in the English language before he dies. So we can continued to make documentaries once he's gone.
35. Drink Coffee. Read Vogue. Wear Pink. Live Happy.
36. On the Indonesian Island Tana Toraja, if a baby dies before he starts teething, the family cuts a hole in a tree and places the dead child inside. The tree then regrows around the baby and absorbs it.
37. In the future, it would be great to have a device that lets you erase part of your memory so you can experience your favorite books for the first time again.
38. There is a file called the, "Zip Bomb." It is 42kb when zipped, but 4.5 petabytes when uncompressed.
39. My Mother always told me to put things back where I found them. So I'm about to put my husband back in his place.
40. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
41. Nothing sucks more than that crucial moment during a heated argument when you realize - you're wrong.
42. I'm always the friend that walks behind the group when the sidewalk doesn't fit three.
43. My friend and I decided to prank everyone and make them believe we were going together. Now I've fallen in love with him ...
44. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
45. Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube, are all blocked in China. Wow.
46. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
47. I pretend to cough when someone is smoking to encourage them to stop.
48. There should be a gym where you pay $1 each day - that you don't go.
49. There should be a movie filmed in 2-versions. One version from the good guy's side and one from the bad guy's side so you can choose which side you want to watch when going to the movie theater. And it encourages you to watch the other side as well.
50. Bad decisions in life make good written stories.
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