Wit & Wisdom - August 11th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

Everyone was thinking it, I just said it.

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W&W August 11th 2014

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01. Everyone was thinking it, I just said it.

02. The real definition of, "Never Mind." is, "You should've listened the first time."

03. And your cat tells the new arrival, "Don't sit on his lap yet. Wait until he is wearing all white."

04. You treat a disease, you could win or lose. But when you treat a person, I guarantee you win - no matter the outcome.

05. Got stress ? Grab your rounded ears and go to Disney !

06. What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

07. While laying in bed with my husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "identify it," was not the right answer.

08. That's one of the great things about music. You can sing a song to 85,000 people and they'll sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.

09. I am bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no-one I'd rather be than ME.

10. That kill me moment when you think you're done washing the dishes and you turn around to still see pots on the stove.

11. I really need to stop saying, "How stupid can you get ?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge.

12. Today is a good day and I can do this !

13. My job is [_] Rewarding [_] Satisfying [X] Slowly crushing my soul.

14. My husband thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.

15. I study. I take the test. I pass it. I completely forget what I learned.

16. If I could have a super power, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then later absorb their health benefits.

17. What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs ? A condescending con descending.

18.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
Class: Maria.

19. Best no soliciting sign ever. We are too broke to buy anything, we know who we are voting for, and we have found Jesus. Seriously, unless you are selling THIN MINTS go away.

20. I read that book before it was a movie.

21. Sorry I'm late - but I didn't want to come.

22. When the creator puts love and compassion in your heart towards someone, you are offered an opportunity to make a difference in that person's life. You must learn to follow that love. Don't ignore it. Act on it. Somebody needs what you have.

23. I always feel bad when I come home from work late and my cats are just like ... "You were gone forever ! I counted."

24. Voldemort is just like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

25. I might just be the saddest happy person and the meanest nice person to ever exist.

26. DISNEY: I am all of these things - and much more.

27. Pregnant ? Drop something on the floor next to me. Object no longer exists.

28. Sometimes you miss the memories, not the person.

29. When people argue in Reader's Cafe, I have my popcorn and drink ready.

30. Maternity T-Shirt: We're hoping it's a pony !

31. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and get evil.

32. It's a CHISM thing you wouldn't understand.

33. Hell is two girls in public bathroom stalls, each waiting for the other to leave because they want privacy.

34. I would literally dislocate both of my shoulders in an attempt to get all of the groceries in the house in one trip.

35. A real geek can visually see the difference in pixels between Writer Cafe's own default text color of #303030 and true black of #000000.

36.

Spongebob: Patrick you're a genius !
Patrick: Yeah, I get called that a lot.
Spongebob: What ? A genius ?
Patrick: No, Patrick.

37. It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I Googled, "embarrassing."

38. I don't think of myself as having a "gray" thumb, but more of a plant hospice worker. Easing the transition so plants can go to heaven.

39. Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten.

40. Pouring a bag of candy - you call this "fun size ?" Hell it takes 3 or 4 of them just to get me mildly amused.

41. How does NASA organize a party ? They planet.

42. A man may be the head of the house, but a woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.

43. If Mondays were shoes, they'd be crocs.

44. Me ? Raising a kid ? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky, like they've got jam on their hands. I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands !

45. Everyone actually has three voices. The one in your head, the one you hear when you talk, and the one that everyone else hears instead.

46. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning." is the human version of, "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again ?"

47. Newborns are always crying because any discomfort is literally one of the worst things they have ever experienced.

48. Mars is populated entirely by robots.

49. Maybe "Are you smarter than a 5th grader ?" isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.

50. You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose carefully.

Which of these can you relate to ?