Wit & Wisdom - June 30th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

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W&W June 30th 2014

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01. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

02. The best relationship advice I can give you is to make sure you are the crazy one.

03. There are enough restaurants in New York City for one person to eat out every night for 54 years and never visit the same place twice.

04. I wish I had a window seat with lots of pillows that I could sit in and drink tea, read books, and watch the rain in.

05. I'm not shy. I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

06. Can we all take a moment to appreciate my Mother using a Kindle as a bookmark.

07. The inventor of Vaseline used to eat a spoonful of it every day.

08. Admit it. At some point in your life you've tried to see if you had super powers.

09. I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

10. No-one knows who invented the Fire Hydrant since it's patent was burned in a fire.

11. A 10-year-old accidentally created a new molecule in Science Class back in 2012. Tetranitratoxycarbon.

12. Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, and Steve Jobs: All of them had NO college degree.

13. That awkward amount of time when people are singing, "Happy Birthday," to you and you don't know what to do.

14. The more I read, the more I realize ... Men are WAY better in books than they are in real life.

15. Cheese is an amazing product. You can age it for years but it molds only after a week in your fridge.

16. HOPE you like me new recipie. They're called SHUT THE fucupcakes.

17. If your pinkie finger is constantly smudged with ink, you must be creative.

18. Roses are red, violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, for I'm there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at you.

19. I just replaces the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait ...

20. I don't always find a TV series I like on Netflix. But when I do, I watch all 6-seasons in 6-days.

21. You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't ? Yeah, well I don't have one of those.

22. I am almost never sure about what I want, but I am always sure about what I =DON'T= want.

23. Kids need time to be bored; that is how creativity is born.

24. That awkward moment when you're telling a story and realize no-one is listening, so you slowly fade out and pretent you never said anything.

25. I didn't mean to push all of your buttons. I was just looking for the MUTE.

26. I'll go inside someday ...

27. I can't walk to the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink that drink, I am the person for you.

28. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

29. Some patients just need a little TLC. Thorazine, Lorezepam, and Compazine.

30. The best way to die ever ... Clint Eastwood shooting while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

31. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Cadillac by now.

32. You just realized ... If you can't win the argument, correct their grammar instead.

33. My baby - no-one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

34. When someone says, "I like your shirt," I look down to see what I am wearing ... and then get my nose flicked every time.

35. Thanks for letting me drink more when everyone else thought I needed to be cut off.

36. Don't grow up, it's a trap !

37. Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.

38. Women tend to be more influenced by how a man smells rather than the way he looks.

39. Remember, you don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

40. Women own only 1% of the world's land.

41. If I ever go missing, I would like my photo to be put on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. Thissaways my friends will know to look for me.

42. That awkward moment when you take a shower in the middle of the day and you're not sure whether to put on regular clothes or pajama's.

43. Coffee keeps me busy until it's acceptable to drink wine.

44. Just when I start to feel confident about my appearance, someone tags me in a facebook photo.

45. If someone breaks your heart, punch them in the FACE. Seriously, punch them in the FACE and go and get some ICE CREAM.

46. God made us best friends because he knew our parents couldn't handle us as sisters.

47. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

48. The awkward moment when you think you can touch the bottom of the pool, then try to and almost drown in the process.

49. You're the best person to hang out with because if I ask a silly question like, "A hippo is changing you, what do you ?" You'll say something like, "How big is the hippo ?" And that shows me that you're taking the question seriously and I appreciate that.

50. When I get old, I don't want people thinking what a sweet little old lady I am. I want them thinking, "Oh crap ! What is she up to now ?"

Which of these can you relate to ?