Wit & Wisdom - June 16th 2014

Press CTRL = (equals) to increase the page size and CTRL - (minus) to decrease the page size   W&W June 16th 2014       Want to read this in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country after going HERE [ CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SET ] 01. Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas ? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25. 02. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists ? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 03. If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. 04. You're born free, then you're taxed to death. 05. To be a good hunter you need good eyes, a steady hand, and a loud voice so you can yell for help when you're stuck in a tree top. 06. When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday ! 07. When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. 08. When is the longer way always better than the shorter one ? When you're a taxi driver. 09. Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon. 10. Growing up is amazing, until you get old ! 11. When I saw the monkeys at the zoo it reminded me of watching political debates on TV. 12. The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive. 13. Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work. 14. Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. 15. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 16. Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it. 17. There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. 18. Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. 19. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 20. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 21. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 22. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 23. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 24. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 25. The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you. 26. Car Service: if it ain't broke, we'll break it ! 27. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. 28. So if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet ! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. 29. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. 30. I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. 31. Employees are like mules. Some you can stand in front of them and coax them along with a carrot. Some of you have to stand behind and kick the others in the a*s. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which. 32. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular ? 33. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyways. 34. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends ? 35. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge. 36. Wear short sleeves ! Support your right to bare arms ! 37. How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost ? 38. In God we trust; all others must pay cash. 39. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired ? 40. This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast. 41. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are fantastic pictures in them. 42. There are three sides to an argument - your side, my side and the right side. 43. Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have film in their camera. 44. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. 45. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button. 46. If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. 47. It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 48. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman ? 49. He who laughs last just didn't get it. 50. It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird. Which of these can you relate to ? See you next time with 50 more ... Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[Cactus Jed]

09. Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.

This reminds me of the philosophy that I like to tease people with, namely, that the future happens before the present, which, in turn, occurs before the past.
It really messes with people's concept of time.

[Noizchild]

I'm sorry, but I do not get number one.

[dw817]

It's mathematical and really a joke just for computer nerds. Octal 31 = Decimal 25.
http://bit.ly/Tjk5BC

[Noizchild]

Ahhhhhhhh!

[Lily]

51: Go to heven for the weather, hell for the company.

[dw817]

That's a good one, Jewel ! :D

[Lily]

thanks, it's one that a lot of my friends and I keep saying.

[dw817]

Well, with those 2 options, what are we here on Earth for ? That's something I keep asking myself. :)

[Lily]

That is the problem with intelligence, we need something to keep us occupied, or else we drive each other insane and destroy our selves.

[dw817]

I guess I stay fairly occupied. It surprises me that I recently found out every friend I know in person is a substance abuser in one way or another. I think I'm missing something ...