01. ECONOMIC & POLITICAL THEORY
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them
in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for both missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN: ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
CLINTONISM
You have two cows. We're going to put 100,000 cows on the streets. It's the same two cows, moved around from town to town.
MAOISM: CHINESE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives them to ex-calculus professors. You teach calculus at the local university. You get half the amount of milk the regulations say you should need.
02. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
03. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
04. Who says nothing is impossible ? I've been it for years.
05. Fall is the spring of winter.
06. What animal can jump higher than a house ? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
07. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
08. God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
09. After many years of studying my Geography book, I finally know by heart that Australia is on page 23.
10. I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE.
11. In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.
12. The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, and doesn't exist.
13. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
14. Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
15. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
16. The hardest part of trying to steal one sheep is stopping the rest of them from following.
17. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
18. Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
19. It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
20. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
21. I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
22. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
23. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
24. That's the secret to life ... replace one worry with another ...
25. Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing, right up in your ear.
26. So you want the day off do you ? Well let's just take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving only 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off !!
27. Never moon a werewolf.
28. Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
29. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
30. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
31. Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it from there.
32. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
33. Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.
34. Newspaper Ad: Parachute for sale, used once, never opened !
35. Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
36. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
37. I'm the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries.
38. Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
39. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac ?
40. If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
41. Failure is not an option ― it comes bundled with Windows.
42. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
43. The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.
44. I watched a black and white TV for so long, so when I got a color TV I picked the red one.
45. Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
46. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
47. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
48. I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way !
49. The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
50. All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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