01. Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000 ?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce safely in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40 ?"
02. I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.
03. A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says, "I am taking you for tonight's dinner !"
The fish replied, "I already ate, can we go somewhere else instead ?"
04. If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge ?
05. One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.
06. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
07. My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
08. If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
09. The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
10. You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
11. A bikini is like a barbedwire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.
12. Working as a team means spending half your time convincing the others that your idea is better than theirs.
13. I think I've discovered the secret of life, you just hang around until you get used to it.
14. Enjoy your life thoroughly, the same way you wash your clothes.
15. I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
16. The best revenge is massive success.
17. I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
18. I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.
19. I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt, but after going through two bags worth, I gave up.
20. Don't disturb me, I am disturbed enough already.
21. If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
22. Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
23. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
24. The hardest thing to find in life is happiness - money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to find happiness.
25. Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day.
26. The differences between Work and Prison:
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own bathroom.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have Managers.
27. Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find ?
28. You can never run out of things that go wrong on something.
29. The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter of civilization.
30. Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
31. You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
32. Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
33. Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
34. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
35. Agitator: A politician who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors to rid them of worms.
36. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
37. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
38. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
39. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
40. If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
41. That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
42. When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
43. The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.
44. You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
45. Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
46. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
47. Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
48. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
49. The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.
50. Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
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