01. A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it is just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
02. Don't press your luck, you just might pop it.
03. How can you make sure you never miss your target ? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
04. One day my wife's credit card got stolen ... what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than she does !
05. I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow. ― Frank Zappa
06. It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.
07. Why do gorillas have big nostrils ? Because they have thick fingers.
08. You can't make a circle of friends with a compass.
09. The secret of success is to go from mistake to mistake without losing your enthusiasm.
10. Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.
11. Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.
12. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
13. Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you.
14. Think about it for a second: You are what you eat, so do you really want to eat junk food ?
15. I can't wait for that to never happen.
16. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't like the thought of being gone so long !
17. I know the voices in my head aren't real ... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome !
18. Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.
19. Do you want to feel the breath of one near you ? Do you want to feel them touching you and petting you ? Take the public transit.
20. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.
21. fLife is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.
22. The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
23. When one door closes another should open, but if it doesn't then just go in through the window.
24. What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies ? The ATM machine.
25. My husband is like Math, he can't be contradicted.
26. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
27. The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes.
28. The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
29. Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class ... none of which have anything to do with Math.
30. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
31. A few days ago I lost my weapon of Math instruction... my trusty pocket calculator.
32. If you're a fish constantly swimming against the current, you will soon receive a nasty shock.
33. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and believe I am winning.
34. Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion.
Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion.
Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion.
Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
35. A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.
36. When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.
37. Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and looking through. If it gets any worse, I might let him in.
38. You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong.
39. When you want something really bad, crying for it isn't going to work nearly as good as complaining !
40. Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X.
41. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.
42. You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
43. Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
44. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm really not so sure about the the universe.
45. What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.
46. After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF !
47. Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's only a poster on a wall.
48. A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
49. Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.
50. My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
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