Wit & Wisdom - May 12th 2014

W&W May 12th 2014       Want to read this in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country after going HERE [ CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SET ] 01. It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. 02. Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object. 03. If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. 04. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. 05. If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. 06. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. 07. Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. 08. When the sun comes up, I have morals again. 09. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ― Tracey Ullman 10. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. 11. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ― Jimmy Durante 12. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. 13. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. 14. I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. 15. I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. ― Roy Orbison 16. When you're eight years old nothing is your business. 17. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. 18. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 19. If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. 20. Never put a sock in a toaster. ― Eddie Izzard 21. Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini ? 22. Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. 23. Reality continues to ruin my life. ― Bill Watterson 24. He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. 25. The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. ― Jimmy Fallon 26. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. 27. I cannot sing, dance, or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. ― David Letterman 28. We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. 29. People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. 30. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. ― Paul Lynde 31. One man is as good as another until he has written a book. 32. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. 33. All my children inherited perfect pitch. ― Chevy Chase 34. I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. 35. When I was born I owed twelve dollars. ― George S. Kaufman 36. Only the mediocre are always at their best. 37. We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. 38. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern. ― Mickey Rooney 39. I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. 40. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. 41. There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. ― Bill Cosby 42. Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. ― Stephen Hawking 43. Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. 44. There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. 45. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. 46. Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. 47. A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. ― Ernest Hemingway 48. I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place. 49. It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. ― Mae West 50. I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet. ― Angelina Jolie Which of these can you relate to ? See you next time with 50 more ... Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[Mark]

The world sees her as one of the most beautiful alive but she thinks she looks odd. Wow

[dw817]

We all hold distorted views of ourselves. The mirror is oft cracked and twisted when our minds are at unease.

[Avinash]

45. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

[dw817]

I was hesitant to include this one as - truly - it didn't make too much sense to me. But I have to look at the big picture and realize some other people may understand it. Glad you like it. :)