Wit & Wisdom - March 24th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

A number of young girls were using lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. (more)

W&W March 24th 2014

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01. According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the nearest toilet, and wiped it directly over where the girls were kissing. A long silence followed.

Since then, there has been no more kissing of the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

02. I'm not a tease ! I'm just a reminder of what you can't have. ― Flirting Girl

03. If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck, it's probably a dog.

04. My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.

05. High school is like a spork: it's a crappy spoon AND a crappy fork, so in the end, its just plain useless. ― John Mayer

06. Love is a hot shower where your skin never prunes.

07. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ― Albert Einstein

08. Having brunch makes me look forward to having my lupper.

09. The only reason I'm in Hollywood is that I don't have the moral courage to refuse the money. ― Marlon Brando

10. A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

11. We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make our quota.

12. Of all the things I've lost in life, I miss my mind the most. ― Mark Twain

13. She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

14. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

15. I don't have a girlfriend, I just know someone who would be really mad if they heard me say that.

16. I'm always making a comeback but nobody ever tells me where I've been. ― Billie Holiday

17. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. ― Charlie Brown

18. "I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown...There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off."

"You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them."

"Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks." ― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

19. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.

20. I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

21. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio ? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles ? Can I put my feet out the window ?"

22. The problem with climbing the corporate ladder is the crappy view. All you see is the a*s above of you, and those behind you only see the a*s above them.

23. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. ― Terry Pratchett

24. When I grow up, I want to be a little boy.

25. Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with afterwards.

26. Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are illusional spin from the liberal media.

Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines its lighting effort.

Why do you hate freedom ?

27. I came here to be probed, electrocuted and drugged, not insulted ! ― Homer Simpson

28. Man's reason for being is to question why that is.

29. I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

30. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

31. We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

32. If we put together a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey ?

33. I don't pray because I don't want to bore God. ― Orson Welles

34. Now, every month a woman has this time when she gets very angry ... at everything, and usually men are the everything. It's like a tire fire; trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta let it burn ... grab a beer and let it burn. ― King Of The Hill

35. Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to eat for lunch.

36. Anger is like a puppy who doesn't know any better. If you don't let it out it will piddle on the carpet of your soul.

37. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

38. I'm against picketing, but I'm just not sure how to show it.

39. If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.

40. Why should I go to his funeral ? He ain't coming to mine !

41. I don't pretend to understand the universe - it's a great deal bigger than I am. People ought to be more modest.

42. Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.

43. We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion.

44. Remember to always be yourself. That is unless you suck.

45. Believing we can improve schooling with more tests is like imagining you can make yourself grow taller by measuring your height every day.

46. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others not to become like you.

47. We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I honestly don't know.

48. In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country ? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts ?

49. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways like a dilapidated rental car - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO ! What a Ride !"

50. The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it ? A Death ! What's that, a bonus ?

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ... and you finish off as an orgasm. ― George Carlin