Wit & Wisdom - January 27th 2014

A Chapter by dw817

Kisses blown are kisses wasted, A kiss isn't a kiss unless it's tasted. Kisses spread germs and germs are hated, so kiss me baby, I'm vaccinated !

W&W January 27th 2014

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Note, there may be some repeats. It's getting a little tricky for me to remember which ones I posted and haven't.

01. Kisses blown are kisses wasted, A kiss isn't a kiss unless it's tasted. Kisses spread germs and germs are hated, so kiss me baby, I'm vaccinated !

02. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

03. There are 24 cans of beer in a beer case, and 24 hours in a day. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

04. A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

05. Life is one of those things that most of us find very difficult to avoid.

06. I'm only crazy when other people can't stand that I'm right.

07. It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.

08. Chances are, if you're a person who talks to yourself, you do that because no one else will.

09. Never, under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

10. The reason why grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they share a common enemy.

11. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

12. It takes money to look this cheap.

13. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

14. Beer is solid proof that God really does love us and wants us to be happy.

15. If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy.

16. In the sixties, normal people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

17. It's not easy being green. ― Kermit The Frog

18. The only real proof that there is intelligent life in outer space is that they have never tried to contact us.

19. I am not retreating, I am advancing in a different direction.

20. Be nice to NERDS. There's a good chance you'll wind up working for one.

21.

(a) Carpe Diem: Seize the day
(b) Carp e denim: Theres a fish in my pants.

22. A television is considered medium. Because it is neither rare nor well-done.

23. Man invented language only to satisfy his deep need to complain about things.

24. The odds of the planet Earth being in decent, liveable shape in the year 3000 are inversely related to the odds that humanity will survive that long.

25. I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity.

26. History is the sum total of all things that could be avoided.

27. History: An account mostly false, of events, unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

28. The only way I'm meeting the girl of my dreams tonight is if I get a good night's sleep.

29. He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts " for support rather than illumination.

30. We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

31. Flowers, balloons, lights and electronic carol cards adorned all the gravesites at our local Latin cemetery during the holidays. One balloon even read, "Get Well Soon."

32. People who can smile when things go wrong have obviously thought of someone else to blame it on.

33. I'm in excellent shape. A circle is a good shape, isn't it ?

34. Human cloning experiments seems a far way off. We seem to be doing just fine in making babies every day ourselves to compensate.

35. No-one will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is clearly too much fraternizing with the enemy.

36. Girls are like slugs. They serve some purpose but it's hard to imagine what. ― Calvin & Hobbes

37. I'm an angel honest ! Those horns are just there to keep up the halo.

38. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if he is cute, the hell with the fruit !

39. You're not doing anything wrong until you get caught.

40. I'm going to stop procrastinating one of these days.

41. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

42.

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and a true one
A cold beer - and another one.

― Cheers

43. I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my way in the end.

44. May the loving Lord in heaven reach out to you with his guiding hand and smack you upside the head with it.

45. Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetime.

46. Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Do you get my explanation ?

47. You can trust the government. Just ask the Indians.

48. Don't ever tease if you're not up to please.

49. The only inalienable right of human beings is to receive unwanted mail and advertising flyers in their mailbox.

50. When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt !

Which of these can you relate to ?