01. If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you.
02. I like to con and insult people. That's why I became a consultant.
03. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks ?
04. If the police arrest a Mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent ?
05. That which does not kill only makes us ― stranger.
06. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of
the experiment ? I'm like that all the time.
07. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
08. We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.
09. Sex on TV is bad. You may fall and hurt yourself.
10. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
11. The higher in life that you get, the greater the fall when you do.
12. The difference between involved and committed can best be explained
using a bacon and egg breakfast as an example: The chicken is involved
but the pig is committed.
13. If you can't face it, moon it.
14. Some say the beer glass is half full, some say that same glass is half empty. I say, "Are you gonna drink that ?"
15. I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it !
16.
(a). he way into a woman's soul is through her eyes and the way into her heart is through her mind.
(b). Conversely the way into a man's soul is through his mouth, and the way into his heart is through his pants.
17. You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same !
18. It's not really cheating unless you get caught.
19. If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
20. Show me a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.
21. I've certainly had a wonderful evening. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times.
22. A clean dwelling is the sign of a disturbed mind.
23. I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
24. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. ― Woody Allen
25. This isn't school ! This is Hell with florescent lighting !
26. What would you say to a nice beer, Normie ? "Going down ?"
27. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures in them.
28. I used to be disgusted with what I saw as a youth. As I got older, now I'm just amused by it.
29. Next week, there can't be any crises. My schedule is full already.
30.
Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help. ― Calvin & Hobbes
31. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why we call it the present.
32. People who can smile when things go wrong have obviously thought of someone else to blame it on.
33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?
34. Why are Wise Guy and Wise Man two different things ?
35. Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E" for me.
36. If I were a dog, and you were a flower,
I'd lift up my leg and give you a shower. ― bathroom graffiti
37. It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
38. Granted that is a nice perfume but must you marinate in it ?
39. I have never fully understood the female capacity to completely avoid a simple answer to a direct question. ― First Officer Spock
40. Never go to see a doctor whose office plants are dead.
41. An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his handiwork.
42.
If I had a ticket to heaven,
but you didn't have one too,
I'd tear my ticket to pieces,
and go to hell with you !
43. I don't really hate you. I just need someone I can take my anger out on.
44. We may act, look, and feel like idiots, but at least we're having fun in the process.
45.
A miniskirt: Short enough to keep you interested, long enough to cover the topic.
46. A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
47. I believe that Marx was only off by a suffix, it's not communism that can save us, but communication.
48. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved in this life without a suitable application of high explosives.
49. Take my advice, I'm not using it anyways.
50. Everyone has issues in their life. Me ? I have a damned subscription !
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