Wit & Wisdom - November 4th 2013

W&W November 4th 2013     Want to read this in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country and click the TRANSLATE button after going HERE [ CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SET ] 01. You know you are getting old when you are afraid to light the candles for fear of scorching the ceiling. 02. Clapping the longest during a school assembly to show what a brave girl you are. 03. If your whole life is about getting screwed and getting hammered, well, guess what, you’re a tool. 04. There aren’t enough days in the weekend. 05. Whatever it is that’s eating you must be suffering horribly. 06. It’s annoying when the popular girls at school turn gym class into a beauty pageant. 07. What does a nosy pepper do ? It’s gets ‘jalapeno’ business ! 08. Nothing is better than a reality show where everyone speaks English but you still need subtitles to understand what they are saying. 09. “Life is what happens to you as you’re busy making other plans …” ― John Lennon 10. You’re a habit I’d like to kick. With boots on both feet. 11. I really wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but man, those cops came out of nowhere ! 12. You’d be amazed the amount of scientific research you can cover when you have no life whatsoever. 13. It’s 2013 and there is STILL no FOLD button for my electric clothes dryer ! 14. We interrupt this loving relationship to bring you the Football Season ! 15. Everything in this world is changing. People are starting to take the comediennes seriously and the politicians as jokes. 16. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I can hear my heavy breathing again. 17. Don’t ever get lost in thought. When you get my age it’s difficult to find your way back. 18. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, perhaps it should be that drunk women should not have sex ? 19. Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy for the next 50-minutes this exquisite clarinet solo. 20. Life is so much better with whipped cream on top of it. 21. I sold my house this weekend. Turned a tidy profit on it, too. Unfortunately, my landlord is still trying to find me. 22. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question, please ? 23. If I have served one useful purpose in the world it is to show others not to become like me. 24. Love may be blind but marriage can be a real eye opener. 25. The only difference between hell and where I work is the fluorescent lighting. 26. Marriage is a curious relationship where only one person is right all the time ― oh, and the other one is the husband. 27. Lazy is such a discriminatory word. I prefer the term, “Selective participation.” 28. I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile ― unfortunately they want my cash. 29. I want the job where you get to push scared sky-divers out of the plane. 30. My boyfriend wants to know if you think I’m hot. 31. What I don’t like about wild office Christmas Parties is looking for a new job the next day. 32. There are more men than women in mental hospitals ― that just goes to show who is actually driving whom crazy. 33. No matter what anyone says, I know my cooking is great. Even my smoke alarm is cheering me on ! 34. Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who is free on the weekend. 35. I smile cause I know you’re my little sister. I laugh cause I know there’s nothing you can do about it. 36. Most of these days people laugh at me ― when I’m trying to be especially serious about something. 37. Don’t bother me while I’m at work ― unless cake is involved. 38. Men marry women hoping they will never change. Women in turn marry men hoping they will. Both invariably wind up disappointed with the other. 39. If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching TV in the dark. 40. If there were no schools to take away the children from the Mother 8-hours a day, I suspect more Mothers would be in the mental asylum. 41. The best way to spend a weekend with your boyfriend is watching watching horror films and cuddling ― and screaming louder than the characters in the movie. 42. Only in America will you find drivers circling the parking lot to find the closest parking space next to their favorite workout gym. 43. Just realized that the Tooth Fairy teaches us to sell body parts for money ! 44. Diaper spelled backwards is, “repaid.” Now you think about that for a minute … 45. I don’t like to commit myself to notions of heaven or hell. For you see, I have friends in both places. 46. It’s only when you observe ants with a magnifying glass do you realize that hard work just seems to go up in flames. 47. Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you’ve sown. 48. I’m not saying I want to kill you, but I may frame your obituary. 49. The trouble with some people today is while they may lack the power of conversation, they don’t lack the power of speech. 50. They’ve finally made the perfect office computer. When it makes a mistake, it says another computer was responsible. Which of these can you relate to ? See you next week with 50 more ... Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[Pryde Foltz]

Lots of funny ones …
Here's my top three.

What does a nosy pepper do ? It’s gets ‘jalapeno’ business !
-reminds me of the nacho cheese joke, a favourite of my four-year-old.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy for the next 50-minutes this exquisite clarinet solo.
-been there

It’s only when you observe ants with a magnifying glass do you realize that hard work just seems to go up in flames.
-love black wit

[dw817]

I'm not sure what kind of jokes they are when they use one word to mean another, like Jalapeno and Nacho Cheese. But yes, that nosy pepper is likely a good 2nd grade or 3rd grade candidate joke. :)

As far as 'please wait' music goes. I am really surprised at how BAD some of the tunes are. You remember some of the early ones actually were just a single 8khz audio 16-note ditty that repeated itself.

Today, while they are using pre-recorded music, it's still not much better. Very fuzzy, gets loud then soft, and NOW they interrupt the music LOUDLY by saying, "Did you know ?" and proceed to tell you more facts about the company than you ever cared.

As for the last one, I can honestly say I never used a magnifying glass on ants, but I did on dead leaves and Dad explained to me the process of how the magnifier focuses the beam. Since then I remember seeing Lemony Snicket's Series Of Unfortunate Events which used a similar principle for Count Olaf.
http://bit.ly/17DtUkK

[Mark]

Number 5... can't wait to run into a grumpy person so i can say that ROFL

[dw817]

Might be a good way to get an elbow in the rib, Mark, if they're really mad at the world. :) But yes, that one is pretty amusing. Not sure where the original term comes from to represent a foul mood.