01. Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to !
02. Buy land now ! I have heard they have quit making it.
03. How many drunks does it take to change a light-bulb ? Several. One to hold the light-bulb in place and the others to drink and make the room spin around it.
04. There actually is a number higher than infinity. Infinity + shipping & handling.
05. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
06. I don't want the whole world - just your half of it.
07. The greatest definition of success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.
08. It may be Winter outside, but it's always Summer in your armpit.
09. Even a blind pig can find an acorn every now and again.
10. A word to the wise is not necessary. It's the stupid ones that need all the help they can get.
11. Eat healthy, exercise more, somehow still die.
12. I honestly hope life is not a joke cause I just don't get it.
13. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself "mankind." Basically it is made up of two separate words - "Mank" and "ind" What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
14. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and then they go and marry him.
15. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
16. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
17. Go hang a salami ! I'm a lasagna hog. ― Palindrome.
18. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
19. Women who seek to be equal with men clearly lack ambition.
20. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of 'smart' ?
21. Out of my mind. Back in 5-minutes.
22. I bought a package of batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
23. Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to my grandpa breathe through his nose while he is eating a sandwich.
24. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
25. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in ? I think that's how dogs spend most of their lives.
26. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking my locks, they are always gonna lock three of them.
27. ♪ ♫ Beans, beans, the magical fruit ! The more you eat, the more you toot ! The more you toot, the better you feel ! So eat your beans at every meal ! ♫ ♪
28. If life is not a game, then how come there are so many players in the world ?
29. I used to be with it, then they changed what it was. Now what was it
isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me now. It'll happen to you
too.
30. Opinions are like a******s ... Everyone has one and they stink.
31. Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me.
32. If marriage is ever outlawed, then only outlaws will have in-laws.
33. When all else fails, let her be on top.
34. If you're not the lead dog, you may be disappointed by the discouraging view.
35. Just because you're stupid doesn't mean I'm lying.
36. Always check for ferrets before sitting.
37. A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyways.
38. Your life is a test. It is only a test. Had you an actual life you
would have received further instructions on where to go and what to
do.
39. Kids in back seats can be rambunctious. However being rambunctious in back seats can cause kids.
40. Smile, it's the 2nd best thing to do with your lips.
41. PROCRASTINATION: Hard work often pays off in the future, but laziness always pays off now.
42. These are my principles and if you don't like them, I have more !
43. There is nothing wrong with you that the trifling matter of a lobotomy can't cure.
44. Confucious say, "People who are always looking over their shoulder, will most likely get crick in their neck."
45. The only way I'll ever get laid is to climb up a chicken's butt and wait.
46. Don't sweat the petty things, and for that matter don't pet the sweaty things either.
47. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make your enemy die for his.
48. 99% of the people in this world wear blinders all their life. The remaining 1% walk around the world in complete amazement.
49. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
50. Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships.
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