01. Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea. ― Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
02. It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
03. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every day.
04. When worlds collide. A battle between an Enterprise security team who
always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
Stormtroopers who can't hit the broad side of a planet ?
05.
There's a knob on my TV called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work, my shows are still stupid.
06. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
07. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his
tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
understand this ? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there
is no cat." ― A. Einstein
08. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
09.
Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess told Winston Churchill in a rage, "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." To which he replied, "If I =WERE= your husband, madam, I should drink it."
10. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has typed gibberish all over it and inadvertently put your name at the top. ― English Professor grading a student's report
11. Anarchists of the world, unite !
12. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
13. "I am the terror that flaps in the night !" ― Darkwing Duck
14. Redundant book title, "Windows 8 For Dummies"
15. When I read about the evils of drinking I decided right then and there I would quit - quit reading altogether.
16. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
17. Why is abbreviation such a long word ?
18. Ever stop to think and forget to start up again ?
19. It takes 46 muscles in your face to express disapproval with a frown - but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
20. Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.
21. All my life I really wanted to be someone; umm - I guess I should of been more specific.
22. Ambition is a poor excuse for not being lazy.
23. I won't hate you in the morning - I'll save that for noon.
24. It's you and me against the world, kid. So what time do we attack ?
25. Your family's future lies in your hands ! ― Restroom graffiti
26. Philosophy throughout the ages:
"To be is to do." ― I. Kant
"To do is to be." ― A. Sartre
"Do-be-do-be-do." ― F. Sinatra
"Yabba-dabba-doo !" ― F. Flintstone
27. "There is no justice, there's only me !" ― J. Dredd
28. "If you only knew the power of the dark side !" ― D. Vader
29. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." ― Western Union memo (1876)
30. "Computers in the future may weigh less than 1.5 tons." ― Popular Mechanics (1949)
31. "All imaginable inventions have already been invented." ― C. Duell, manager, American Patent Agency (1899)
32. A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and then later sends you a bill for his services.
33. 1928, Charles King was re-elected President of Liberia. His opponent claimed the vote was rigged as he was beat him by 60,000 votes - yet only 15,000 people were eligible to vote at the time.
34. The great and original film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin
look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.
35. The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the
interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia,
and centrifugal that result in a perfect balance.
Nevertheless to be on the safe, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible.
36. Lady Astor once announced to Winston Churchill, "You sir, are drunk !" to which he replied, "Yes, and you madame, are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober."
37. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I - think I've forgotten this before.
38. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Yet Ever so often I would still flick it on and off just to make sure it keeps working.
39. While on the other hand, you have an entirely different set of fingers.
40. There are no stupid questions. Put your hand down.
41. Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600s by a mistranslation.
42. Sherlock Holmes never did say, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
43. Lower the age of puberty !
44. Support wildlife, promote orgies !
45. For those of you who seem to think life is a joke, just wait till you get to the punchline.
46. For centuries to come, many years will pass.
47. It's a very fine line that separates first class from half-assed.
48. Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.
49. "You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and
danced naked upon a harpsichord singing, 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again.' " ― Edmund Blackadder
50. Anagrams reveal secret messages ! Here is the proof:
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lots in 'em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarm = Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
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