Okay, this concludes the private stash of my Wit & Wisdom quotes. I now go to my new sources.
01. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
02. It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about
satisfying women.
03. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
04. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's" Fighting, fleeing, feeding and... uh - mating.
05. What is a committee ? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
06. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
07. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
08. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
09. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? [1] Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. [2] Advising the President on matters of international affairs. [3] Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
10. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains ?
11. X-Rated movies are all alike. They leave nothing to the imagination - except the plot.
12. This calls for a particular blend of subtle psychology and extreme violence.
13. A penny saved is a penny earned umm - actually not worth very much these days.
14. It is not possible to ski through a revolving door.
15. Assassins do it from behind.
16. Booze is the answer. Honestly, I don't remember the question.
17. Confucious says: It is a fool who will climb a tree to get his cherries, whereas a wise man will spread it's limbs.
18. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.
19. God bless Atheism !
20. He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart a*s.
21. I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was. An arctic wilderness.
22. I don't drink because I'm interested in it. I drink to make other people interesting.
23. If God had meant for us to run around naked, he would have made us born that way ... Uh oh.
24. It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could sure confuse a lot of
people.
25. Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
26. The breakdown of a woman's inhibitions:
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's !
Oh John !
Oh !
27. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
28. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight are unimportant.
29. My life is like a bad porno movie - without any sex in it.
30. I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
31. If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit. -- Carlos told me this
32. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
33. The Lord's Prayer is exactly 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. Something is wrong somewhere.
34. Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail. One or the other.
35. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing
that cannot possibly go wrong is that when the thing that cannot possibly
go wrong does - go wrong, it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or
repair.
36. Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians.
37. If you can not answer a man's intellectual arguments, all is not lost. For you can still call him a doo-doo headed know-it-all.
38. As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept
saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his
patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a
veterinarian."
39. A Stanford research was once looking for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The response was overwhelming; they got 3,000 responses only the first few days after the ad came out. Unfortunately it was all one person.
40. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast.
41. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli smiled and replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
42. Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit The Frog
43. Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
44. You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you ! - Monty Python regarding King Arthur and the sword, Excalibur.
45. Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
46. The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a
surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of
paper. I kept the fork, however.
47. All the parts falling off of this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
48. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job !"
49. A child bright in mathematics once wrote on a history exam:
1. Alexander the Great was a great general.
2. Great generals are forewarned.
3. Forewarned is forearmed.
4. Four is an even number.
5. Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
6. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
50. Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking.
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