01. Tell someone there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and
they'll believe you. Tell them a bench has wet paint on it and they will
have to touch it to be sure.
02. If I ever get really rich, I hope I'm not also not really mean to the poor people, like I am now.
03. He who knows nothing and thinks he knows everything; that is a clear path to a career in politics for him.
04. Seven out of ten people suffer from hemorrhoids. Does this mean that the other three people are enjoying them ?
05. I'm not spoiled, just well taken care of.
06. Did you know that life comes with a sexually transmitted disease that has a 100% fatality rate to it ?
07. Power corrupts. Absolute power is really kinna neat when you think about it really.
08. Opera is a weird little show where a guy gets stabbed in his back instead of falling over dead, he breaks into a terrible song about the lamentations of his life.
09. I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress.
10. When
I was a boy of 14-years old, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have him around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was
astonished by how much he'd learned in those short seven years !
11. As
an unmarried woman I've sometimes attended parties where no one spoke
to me for a whole evening. The men refused to talk to me because they
were frightened by what their wives would think. While the married women
would gang up in a corner and discuss my dangerous character.
12. As a child, if there is one thing that I have learned is to never tell your Mom that her diet is not working.
13. When the President does it, it must mean that it is legal.
14. If
I play a stupid girl, and ask stupid questions, I've got to follow it
through with this. Where on Earth did you get the idea that I have be
intelligent in there ?
15. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
16. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you get around to offing them all.
17. Sometimes
I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you
don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door, that'll make what you said that
much more important !
18. I
was so ugly that when I was born the doctor took one look at my face, he was confused, turned me upside-down and around and said. Look ... twins !
19. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands fully explained.
20. Life is just a phase you're going through ... you'll get over it.
21. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
22. The
basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and
subservient people quickly -- because if they don't speak fast nobody
will listen to them.
23. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others to not become like you.
24. It's hard to pretend everything's fine. but I'll smile just to make you feel happy ...
25. After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
26. You
know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in
America are named 'Bush,' 'Dick,' and 'Colon.'
27. If all the world's a stage than most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
28. There must be more to life than having everything.
29. Life is a horizontal fall.
30. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one ?
31. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
32. I am an only child. I have one sister.
33. I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and aced it.
34. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
35. If you want to make God laugh, tell him of your serious future plans.
36. Eighty percent of success is actually showing up.
37. I've always placed my wife under a pedestal.
38. If only God would give me some clear sign of his existence ! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
39. Why does man kill ? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage involved.
40. To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
41. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into immediate action. They rented out my room.
42. The
lion and the calf may be able to lie down beside each other in a
pasture in the glory of God. But I'll bet you nickles to cricket that calf doesn't get much sleep that night.
43. Basically
my girlfriend from youth was very mean to me. I'd be sitting in my bath and she'd come in and sink my toy boats by standing over and peeing
on them.
44. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
45. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
46. I've always been very intellectual but I was born with this look about my face ...
47. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body. Only the body seems to have more fun.
48. You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.
49. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be unreadable.
50. If you are given an open-book exam, you will clearly forget your book.
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