01. If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex ?
02. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
03. Born Free. Taxed to Death.
04. Thank God I'm an atheist.
05. How many men does it take to open a beer ? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
06. We all can't be princesses. Somebody has to clap when I walk by.
07. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
08. People who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones who dropped it.
09. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
10. When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers afterwards.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
12. Committee: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
13. While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several currently.
14. A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
15. Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day.
16. Men
are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to
stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to
have dinner with.
17. I may not be able to beat you yet, but I'm going to make it very difficult for you.
18. 
The tide runs further than the horizon.
19. Even those who never frown, can sometimes break down.
20. The person who is spoon-fed all their life, will only learn the shape of the spoon.
21. Friends are like stars. You may not always be able to see them, but you always know they are there.
22. 
You cannot enslave a mind that knows itself. That values itself. That understands itself.
23. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
24. A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.
25. There's something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate life now.
26. Banging your head on a wall burns 150 calories per hour.
27. The only thing that ever sat on it's butt to succeed in life was a hen.
28. I have enjoyed life a lot more by saying yes than by saying no.
29. Love is grand; divorce is about a hundred grand.
30. Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
31. When doctors and undertakers meet at parties, they wink at each other.
32. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
33. The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.
34. Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license.
35. Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
36. If men knew everything that women think, they would be twenty times more daring in life.
37. If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out.
38. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
39. Anyone who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, is aiming ten inches too high.
40. A woman is like a teabag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
41. Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
42. A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick.
43. Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.
44. Only
two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her
think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
45. We always hold hands. If I let go, she starts to shop.
46. Giving up smoking is easy ... I've done it hundreds of times now.
47. Nobody
can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I
keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion to protect myself.
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
49. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
50. Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
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