Wit & Wisdom - August 26th 2013

W&W August 26th 2013     Want to read this in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country and click the TRANSLATE button after going HERE [ CHOOSE A DIFFERENT SET ] 01. Hire an idiot to get the job done. Hire someone else to build it the right way the first time. 02. Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a Happy Meal. Sincerely, Don't Forget My Toy. 03. The problem is not that obesity runs in your family. It's that no-one runs at all in your family. 04. The closest that I've gotten to murder is: holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop ... 05. That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and the cashier adds it all up and tells you the amount and they're not even back yet. 06. Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status ! To see your prize please press Control "W" on your keyboard now. 07. I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like a loud gunshot. 08. When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is. 09. Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy. 10. These animal crackers are a total gyp ! This elephant tastes exactly like the giraffe did ! 11. I just saved myself a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching ... my car into reverse and quickly driving away from the accident ! 12. I read something the other day during an emergency that got me pissed. It was a sign that said: 'Bathroom closed.' 13. There's a fine line between tan and looking liked you've been rolling around in Dorito's. 14. I wonder how Buzz and Woody would react if they ever met Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names as them but with different meanings ... 15. Men were born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. There's no place like home. 16. Me ? Behave ? Seriously !? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe & had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance & Shaggy and Scooby-Doo were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine ! 17. Calories are those evil little gremlins that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter each night. 18. Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas next year is ... your list with the names and addresses of all the naughty girls. 19. Hurricanes are like women: when they come they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car. 20. Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla. 21. Laughter is always the best medicine ... unless you have a toothache. 22. If you watch Jaws backwards; it's actually a film about a magical fish that throws up so many people that they have to open a beach for it. 23. Whatever you do in life, always give it your 110%. That is unless you're giving blood. 24. When I kill an insect in my house, I usually leave the body around for a-while as an example for the other bugs to not mess with me. 25. This is gonna be one of those mornings where I just wanna eat the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms cereal. 26. You have at least two addresses memorized; Your own address and P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. 27. T*****s. Actual proof that men can in fact pay attention to two things at one time. 28. If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong. 29. Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me ! 30. No, I don't have a dirty mind, just a very kinky imagination. 31. Always remember that you are special and unique - just like everyone else. 32. Everyone always talks about the Early Bird. How about the Early Worm ? Tel me - how well did that work out for him ? 33. Now that I'm old enough, I feel I'm mature enough to interpret what, "beep beep" actually means when the roadrunner says it to the coyote. 34. Before someone gets their driver's license, they should be able to beat Rainbow Road in Mario Kart without falling off the track. 35. I'll go to great lengths to scavenge batteries from my other toys before I go out and buy new ones for what I need. 36. When you are getting out of the aisle at the movies and have to pass by people still watching the show, which do you give them, the nut or the butt ? 37. Lying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if its worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning. 38. I have a memory foam mattress - and I really hope that it doesn't remember everything that went on. 39. Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried to staple water to a tree. 40. Sleep is such a cute state of mind when it tries to compete with midnight Internet. 41. How do homeless people manage to get all the good shopping carts when I can't find any at the store for a single shopping trip ? 42. Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I can sleep while others are talking. 43. I feel like getting some work done right now, so to be fair I'm gonna sit here until that strange feeling passes. 44. You may think I'm a total loser, but to my pet Goldfish I am the god of the Golden Flakes ! 45. Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police. 46. I don't need to lie, but sometimes I give truth a Beauty Makeover. 47. FINALS - Friggin' Idiots Never Actually Learning Stuff. 48. Friends are like bras, they are close to your heart and there for your support. 49. The only thing that keeps me from snapping you like a twig is I don't want two of you around. 50. Look officer, all I'm saying is if you caught me, then you were speeding too ya know ! Which of these can you relate to ? See you next week with 50 more ! Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[Cody Williams]

An other great write! I enjoed the intersting layout of it! Thanks for sharing!

-CW

[dw817]

Layout ? Hmm ... I just always want to include some degree of imagery with my writing. While I'm not like Rose who insists there be a picture on every page, I still do like the occasional illustration, one per chapter if at all possible. :7

[Frieda P]

Hysterical, I recognized a few, most of them were original and funny as hell. # 16 I actually spit my coffee out...too true, great read, needed a laff & a smile today, thanks!

[dw817]

Curiously as I watch each Disney film, I never really think about the negative traits of the hero or antivillians, just the positive message they have to say and - for most of them that is, "Be true to yourself." :)

[kublakhan27]

Haha this is great stuff...I'm in dire need of a laugh and this at least a snicker, which is good enough :P

[kublakhan27]

*at least got

[dw817]

That's fine. Glad you liked 'em. I'll definitely post a new set of 50 next Monday. :7

[Pryde Foltz]

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried to staple water to a tree.

Know thy limitations and work wonders within them.

[dw817]

Actually when I read that first one, stapling water to a tree it reminded me of an absolutely horrid video I bought out of mind-numbing stupidity years ago called, "Moron Movies." I especially remember the entry, "Jello makes a lousy doorstop," where he places a jello behind a door and then proceeds the smash the door into it showing it's ineffectiveness. Hmm ... Maybe my brain was tapioca at that point. :)

As for the other quote, yes, there are quite a few things I cannot do, so - I definitely try to work within my means and improve the skills for that which I can accomplish.

Thanks for commenting !

[redflutterby]

Bahahaha...all of them!!! Thanks for the laughter...;-))

[dw817]

Welp, glad you liked 'em. :7 Send some RR's my way and I'll certainly be glad to read and comment on your work additionally.